Story Can't get over middle school bonds?

[Insomniac]

I experienced what felt like sincere friendship with two people when I was in middle school.

Of course, it was mostly one sided. These two people had a lot lot lot of close friends. But I had only them. And those people were closer to each other than they were close to me. When we changed school, they just moved on and ignored me.

I'm 24 yo today and it seems that I haven't moved on yet. Many times, I thought that I didn't give a damn about them, but every night, I'm haunted by the them (in my dreams). And when I think on him, in particular, there is a deep longing that surges within me.

Honestly, I feel disgusted with myself that I'm still not over them, not over him particularly. I wasn't in love with him, idk I just felt a deep connection with him and I hated that because I knew that to him it was nothing because he had everyone. Although he used to tell me that I was one of his closest friends, I knew it was BS.

anyway, why is it that there are some people that we just can't help but love even though they give little to no fuck about us?

On some level, I really despise these two. I resent them for not reciprocating my affection.
I mean, they do reciprocate it but only partly.

I guess it's just one of those things in life to endure. I certainly didn't chose to feel so attached to them. I don't understand why seeing and talking to them make me so happy. This is so stupid. I wish they'd die honestly, just so I can be free of their curse.

Fortunately, I have the option if killing myself instead.

 

[ascetic_]

Maybe it's because you look upon this period of time fondly because you felt you had connections. If you're missing out on those connections now, it's only reasonable that you would feel nostalgic for what you once had, even if it was revealed to be artificial.

I remember when I got out of the army, I was obsessed with this sergeant for years, because she showed me such kindness and care. She was one of the only people in my life to ever do so, who wasn't immediate family. But looking back on it now, I was craving what I now lacked.

 

[Insomniac]

I was obsessed with this sergeant for years, because she showed me such kindness and care

This is how I felt about them. For the first time in my life, I felt a deep sense of belonging. I could be vulnerable and I felt understood on so many levels. To be completely honest, I think I was the one who started severing our ties first. I was possessive and couldn't stand the fact that I had only them and they had everyone. I was the one who started being resentful and bitter. Just the other day, that old friend tried to invite me somewhere (in a different country) to hang out. I coldly replied "no thanks". And ended our conversation and considered blocking him on Instagram.

The reason is, I hate the way he acts like I'm special to him but I know I'm not. I feel toyed with. He has a way of making me feel like I'm so important to him. But it's just how he is with everyone else, I'm sure. and I want not part of this.

You said that you were obsessed with that person because they showed kindness to you. I actually hate that type of person. They make you desperate for them and make you hopeful but it's all just an illusion. It never leads anywhere. You're just tormented by your attachment to them. They're the worst kind of people (they are not pervert narcissists in the sense that they aren't toxic or anything, they're just naturally warm and bring people together).

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be hard to let go and move on as even as time passes, we are left with the memories. Memories can be painful and they last a lifetime. They can be a curse. I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[ascetic_]

The reason is, I hate the way he acts like I'm special to him but I know I'm not. I feel toyed with. He has a way of making me feel like I'm so important to him. But it's just how he is with everyone else, I'm sure. and I want not part of this.

How do you know you're not important to them? Maybe you are. Perhaps you're not the center of their life, yes, but maybe they do actually care.

People don't usually take the effort to reach out to someone for no reason. Just a thought.

I don't think it makes someone a bad person because they are kind and warm. It's natural to be attracted and drawn to those kinds of people. It's just our perception that is warped because we aren't used to receiving love and don't know how to handle it when we do get it (at least in my case, I don't know if that's the case for you).

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I can really relate to being attached to people from school, but instead of friends it was a girl. I can bet my life on it that I will never ever get over her, and what's more, I never even spoke to her, but I'm pretty sure she thought I was a loser. I was too shy to make a move, and here I am today, still desperately in love with her. It can be very hard to let go if that is what you want to do, but desiring to do so still puts you in a better position than stubbornly clinging to the past. This doesn't need to be complicated though- If I didn't have the life I wanted, then at least I can have death, and know that I'm doing it for her.

 

[eryu]

We cling to whatever wretched, insubstantial, screwy relationships we're able to get.

I saw an interview once with a man on death row who said the happiest time in his entire life were the years that

Spoiler: trigger warning, abuse

he and another boy lived at the house of a man who'd taken them in and was molesting them.

It was the closest thing to parental love and family he ever experienced.

That's a very extreme example but I've heard many others say that they look back on very unhealthy, often one-sided relationships with longing and nostalgia. Or speak in glowing terms of such relationships when they're ongoing. People who don't care as much for them, maybe don't care for them at all, and who even abuse them.