Help Can't get myself to register for a dentist appointment

[orpheus_]

I never had problems with my teeth until now - I had one tooth treated a few months ago and apparently it was really bad, because I didn't realize it had an cavity for a long time. Found out I had more decaying teeth, so I
registered for another procedure in March but I had to cancel because I couldn't afford it and I have been putting it off since then. Now I have the money but every time I try to actually sit down to do it I end up deciding it's too much and "why bother, I can just die anyway". I know I will not because people need me, I need to actually *consider that I might be alive in the future*. Time is passing and I know that the longer I wait, the worse the decay will be and the more money I will have to spend. I also may have some complications after the previous procedure and I need to at least do a checkup but even that scares me.

It's mostly the shame, honestly. I do not find dental procedures *pleasant*, obviously, but I'm not scared of the pain. I'm scared I will be asked why I had to cancel the previous appointment, why I waited so long, why I did not take care of it...
I know that going to a dentist *is* normal, on a rational level. But during recent months I skipped washing teeth a lot because I had no motivation to do it and felt like it was pointless. I am just really ashamed of the fact that I abandoned hygiene, considering the fact that I was generally functioning normally, honestly. I was always scared about people potentially thinking of me as gross. Yes, I am worried about what a random doctor will think. I am, indeed, fucked up and I know people have much worse problems.

Another thing, which is stopping me much more honestly, is the fact that I'm trans (female to male, for context) and I hate it. I started medical transition and I'm in this awkward phase when I do not *really* look like a man my age, but not a woman either. I still haven't changed my legal name or sex marker (it's not as easy in my country) so I will need to sign up with a woman's name. It has already lead to a few... Awkward situations, and telling people I'm trans feels shameful and humilating. Not to mention that a doctor calling me "miss" or my deadname repeatedly made her drilling in my teeth even less *pleasant*.

It's also the matter of choosing the right doctor, I have lots of options and I'm scared I will accidentally go to someone who will mess up my teeth instead of fixing them, or who will demand some enormous sum of money. I don't even know if I will be able to afford the procedure because the cost will only be known once I know how bad the decay actually is, the previous cavity was basically on the verge of root canal treatment and hell knows how the other one(s) progressed this time.

I know I'm overreacting, likely, hell I'm just looking for arguments to keep avoiding it but I know that I need to make a decision which doctor to choose and it will decide whether my fears come true. I also know that people have much worse problems, come on, bro is whining about one procedure while people wait for years with much more serious issues... I also know I'm incredibly lucky to be able to afford it, anyway, and I shouldn't be complaining.

I don't know, does anyone have any ideas how to get myself to actually do it? "Just do it without thinking" doesn't work for me, I tried forcing myself through it, the kind of "I will sit down with my laptop, open a random clinic website and not start doing anything else until I register for that appointment", things like these just leave me feeling like nothing matters anyway and unable to do anything.

 

[crabclaw]

I get you about the misgendering thing, I'm ftm myself and am also in this weird phase of my transition where people are starting to treat me differently than they used to and that has honestly caused a lot of stress. There's a lot of times when I'd rather people in public just refer to me as a woman because that feels so much less... weird... idk. Generally though, being misgendered in public doesn't bother me much anymore, because I think of it as - people see and think whatever they see and think, and often don't mean any harm. I know who I am, and in the same way that strangers don't know my goals, hobbies, favourite things, they don't need to know my gender. It is still upsetting and uncomfortable, but sometimes helps me take it less seriously.

I was bulimic for a while, and it led to some pretty bad tooth decay. Alongside my depression, I wasn't taking care of myself very well, and my teeth are now not in the best condition. But dentists see a lot worse all the time, and their job is to help us be healthier, and that *should* be their concern, not whatever got you to that point. Either way, you go to the dentist for YOU, not anybody else, and it's great that you are pushing yourself to get this done.

In terms of getting the appointment, man, tasks are so shit. Some random ideas that may or may not be helpful. I know you can do it!

- get a paper or digital calendar. set a date that are going to book the appointment.
- have someone sit with you while you do it, or remind you/ask you if you've done it
- go somewhere unusual and make the appointment there (doesn't have to be crazy, but sit somewhere you normally wouldn't, like on the floor, in the bathroom, or a library, park, something like that)
- get yourself a treat after you arrange the appointment
- try booking the appointment either first thing when you wake up or right before you go to bed.

good luck :3