Sounds like you're just not quite there, yet, as far as being ready to "cash out" of this world. Probably still just have a little hope remaining that things can get better. Who knows, maybe things can get better for you? You really need to get to the point where all hope is gone, where the pain of living any longer overpowers any fear of death and the unknown. Basically, it's a rock bottom kind of thing. I guess you'll just have to continue on and see where life takes you. You may get there, I don't know. You may never get there. The other thing is you don't get to decide when all hope is gone. Hope is a fickle, stubborn bitch and she leaves when she's damn good and ready. As hard as it is, you just need to roll with it as best you can. Good luck on your journey.