Venting Can't do anything

[enduringwinter]

I no longer want to die but I am not making any effort to live. I keep bedrotting and by that getting myself into troubles and ruining my own efforts, especially whenever I'm close to my goal. It's like there's a great invisible force that prevents me from even moving. I feel like the only time I have any energy is when I am back at home but my parents won't take me back, I just feel so dead in this city. 9 years of limbo and semi-isolation have broken my head. I'm not sure why I am making a thread here but I guess I want any word of advice and consolation.

Unfortunately therapy is not an option at the moment. I can only start after I get my visa but if I had it I would no longer be facing these troubles.

 

[Phosphorous 4]

I think that urge to "get back home" or that feeling of "home being the place I am normal" is something I am familiar with. I really believe its our brains seeking out assistance from the people who are supposed to be "our team," sorry for all the quotes. My parents wouldn't take me back either though, my father was simply too poor and sick himself to help and my mother wasn't trying to help. I'm speaking about feelings I had ten years ago now, but I still remember them clearly. I don't know that I've ever found that energy that I lost. I sleep so much. If I'm not working, I'm sleeping. I just feel so mentally exhausted all the time, I can't find the drive to even do fun things like watching tv or playing videogames etc. I recently moved from NYC to Connecticut and it hasn't helped things. Homesickness just gets thrown on top of everything else.

I've gotten so used to ruining my own stuff juuuust as I'm close to obtaining it, that it is my expectation for everything at this point. I don't expect anything to succeed. When something does, it is a pleasant and temporary surprise. Also, It's just my opinion but I'm not even sure how much help therapy is in most situations. I can barely engage with doctors of any kind when I am in bed-rot mode. I miss appointments and stuff because I'm too tired to focus on the stuff I need to get done in life.

I can definitely relate to what you posted. I wish I couldn't, but I can :/ Hopefully God takes mercy on us and we win the life lottery the next time we get reincarnated. We could be turbo-trillionaires in our next lives, you never know.

 

[enduringwinter]

I think that urge to "get back home" or that feeling of "home being the place I am normal" is something I am familiar with. I really believe its our brains seeking out assistance from the people who are supposed to be "our team," sorry for all the quotes. My parents wouldn't take me back either though, my father was simply too poor and sick himself to help and my mother wasn't trying to help. I'm speaking about feelings I had ten years ago now, but I still remember them clearly. I don't know that I've ever found that energy that I lost. I sleep so much. If I'm not working, I'm sleeping. I just feel so mentally exhausted all the time, I can't find the drive to even do fun things like watching tv or playing videogames etc. I recently moved from NYC to Connecticut and it hasn't helped things. Homesickness just gets thrown on top of everything else.

I've gotten so used to ruining my own stuff juuuust as I'm close to obtaining it, that it is my expectation for everything at this point. I don't expect anything to succeed. When something does, it is a pleasant and temporary surprise. Also, It's just my opinion but I'm not even sure how much help therapy is in most situations. I can barely engage with doctors of any kind when I am in bed-rot mode. I miss appointments and stuff because I'm too tired to focus on the stuff I need to get done in life.

I can definitely relate to what you posted. I wish I couldn't, but I can :/ Hopefully God takes mercy on us and we win the life lottery the next time we get reincarnated. We could be turbo-trillionaires in our next lives, you never know.

Thank you for your reply, it just feels good to read the words of someone so understanding. Everything you said resonates with me and I am sorry that you also suffer from this inexplicable exhaustion, this enormous inertia that oblige to falter before the finish line. It's exactly as you said, I can't picture myself reaching anything, I'm just so used to living like this. Sometimes I feel like the only person with so much inertia. I also found out I am unable to feel any joy or relief when something turns out well even if I was fervently wishing for it.

Nothing a billion dollars right now wouldnt fix, lol.