Can't believe im on here tbh!

[Wayfaerer]

Anyone find it very surreal to be on here?-like they cant believe its come to this-like they could have had a chance of a good life-but a few too many woes and regrets and being let down by people and have lost all hope and how sad and tragic it is to now be spending time on a suicide forum when you aImost had an ok life-but too much shit went down and you finally cracked- feel like im in an alternate reality- a living nightmare. I keep hoping I will wake up and be in a different life! Wish I could just start over again-but ya can't can you? It's so sad.

I know how that feels. I went through three stages from the beginning of last year til May of 2019, and each stage transition occurred at break-neck speed.

(March-2018-June-2018): "Things are the best that they have ever been! I'm finally over my past and can finally live the life that I want! My prospects are looking great and I have so much to look forward to." [optimism]/[excitement]
(June-2018-May-2019): "Why now?! Things are the worst that they have ever been but I need to hang in there! I struggled through so much, it can't go down like this! It just can't! I don't know how it's going to be possible to live the rest of my life with all of this but I can't quit now." [denial]/[depression]
(May-2019-Now): "It's really over... My life is over and my future prospects are going up like a dumpster fire. I'm utterly ruined and there is no salvaging this train-wreck. I have been finally defeated and to resist fate is futile. It was over before it had even began." [dread]/[despair]/[acceptance]

I felt relief when I snapped and decided to ctb but at the same time this horrific feeling of dread knowing that to do so is actually more challenging than I had ever thought (preps, family, etc) and there is a ton that I never got to experience in life so it seems having been born was absolutely pointless. I'm still struggling with the acceptance part as it is the most difficult stage. I had lost so much so fast that it doesn't even feel real to me, but at the same time it feels more real than ever.

 

[MeltingHeart]

@MeltingHeart Welcome to this forum. Do you mind sharing what it is that has brought you to this forum, and ultimately to this point in life?

I am not on here to find a community to talk to as such, rather I am seeking authentic, useable advice on methods and pain reduction and over coming SI. What has bought me to the point in concluding i want to ctb it a very long and complex set of circumstanes, occurences and things that have happened to me over the course of my life. Largely people that have either hurt me, let me down or broken my spirit. Where do I find the complete list of abbreviations for topics discussed on hear?

I know how that feels. I went through three stages from the beginning of last year til May of 2019, and each stage transition occurred at break-neck speed.

(March-2018-June-2018): "Things are the best that they have ever been! I'm finally over my past and can finally live the life that I want! My prospects are looking great and I have so much to look forward to." [optimism]/[excitement]
(June-2018-May-2019): "Why now?! Things are the worst that they have ever been but I need to hang in there! I struggled through so much, it can't go down like this! It just can't! I don't know how it's going to be possible to live the rest of my life with all of this but I can't quit now." [denial]/[depression]
(May-2019-Now): "It's really over... My life is over and my future prospects are going up like a dumpster fire. I'm utterly ruined and there is no salvaging this train-wreck. I have been finally defeated and to resist fate is futile. It was over before it had even began." [dread]/[despair]/[acceptance]

I felt relief when I snapped and decided to ctb but at the same time this horrific feeling of dread knowing that to do so is actually more challenging than I had ever thought (preps, family, etc) and there is a ton that I never got to experience in life so it seems having been born was absolutely pointless. I'm still struggling with the acceptance part as it is the most difficult stage. I had lost so much so fast that it doesn't even feel real to me, but at the same time it feels more real than ever.

you mentioned family, so you have family that love you then? Well that is good, and are you young still? you prob still have time to turn things around you know. My tragedy is to know that when I ctb I have no family that will remotely care, they will just be quite glad I am sure, some friends will care but no blood people will.

 

[Wayfaerer]

you mentioned family, so you have family that love you then? Well that is good, and are you young still? you prob still have time to turn things around you know. My tragedy is to know that when I ctb I have no family that will remotely care, they will just be quite glad I am sure, some friends will care but no blood people will.

I have family that I will deeply hurt and I'm young in the sense that I am just a little under 30. It's nothing that I can reasonably recover from. I'd be better off dead than live the rest of my life like this. It took a lot to break me after many years of struggle.

 

[LastFlowers]

Anyone find it very surreal to be on here?-like they cant believe its come to this-like they could have had a chance of a good life-but a few too many woes and regrets and being let down by people and have lost all hope and how sad and tragic it is to now be spending time on a suicide forum when you aImost had an ok life-but too much shit went down and you finally cracked- feel like im in an alternate reality- a living nightmare. I keep hoping I will wake up and be in a different life! Wish I could just start over again-but ya can't can you? It's so sad.

I've had a shit "life" that's only gotten remarkably worse with time and while I am not shocked I ended up on a site like this, I STILL cant believe the circumstances that led me to feel the need to be here.
I wake up every morning, blown away at the disgusting reflection in the mirror and at the complete lack of meaning, squandered potential, and utter loss of time and relationships (family, friends) my existence has managed to procure.

It doesn't matter how many years have passed with the same type of suffering, accepting the fact that this is it, that this is all there is for me, still knocks me off my feet.
It's not the continued surprise, but the sheer bulk of force that comes with the bleak and hopeless territory of suicide showing up as the last viable option.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I have family that I will deeply hurt and I'm young in the sense that I am just a little under 30. It's nothing that I can reasonably recover from. I'd be better off dead than live the rest of my life like this. It took a lot to break me after many years of struggle.

what did break you then? if you have a family that love you. If you dont mind sharing to maybe its too complicated/ private

I've had a shit "life" that's only gotten remarkably worse with time and while I am not shocked I ended up on a site like this, I STILL cant believe the circumstances that lead me to feel the need to be here.
I wake up every morning, blown away at the disgusting reflection in the mirror and at the complete lack of meaning, squandered potential, and utter loss of time and relationships my existence has managed to procure.

what of all the aspects of life has been the main source of your despair do you think?

 

[Wayfaerer]

If you dont mind sharing to maybe its too complicated/ private

Unfortunately it's not something that I can share for those reasons which only adds to the sting. Family isn't the reason except my mother's actions throughout my life which indirectly culminated in this disaster. I'm not terribly concerned with how she'll feel afterwards but I know my siblings will be devastated which makes me very sad.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Yeah, that. Family isn't the reason except my mother's actions throughout my life. I'm not terribly concerned how she'll feel afterwards.

Yeah, mine ruined by childhood and my dad did too. They regretted having me-which I had to deal with-weird how one-short lived act-an result in an innocent having to endure so much pain and suffering in existense-I was just interested as you seemed to have hope/positivity last year-and then it all dropped off-which is similar to me, accept yr a little younger-I feel like you have that time still to turn things around-under 30 is good for hope and second chances!

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yeah, mine ruined by childhood and my dad did too. They regretted having me-which I had to deal with-weird how one-short lived act-an result in an innocent having to endure so much pain and suffering in existense-I was just interested as you seemed to have hope/positivity last year-and then it all dropped off-which is similar to me, accept yr a little younger-I feel like you have that time still to turn things around-under 30 is good for hope and second chances!

What I had intended to convey is that my problems don't really have any good solutions and are permanent. When I was optimistic, I was oblivious to where I really was.

 

[MeltingHeart]

What I had intended to convey is that my problems don't really have any good solutions and are permanent.

are they physical or situational? and you dont think you could feel optimistic/ excitement again as you had last yr? -no worries if you dont want to explain further- I just have a strange thing I want to help someone on hear as I cant help myself anymore, and I have a very caring nature that has been exploited and ruined me IRL-even though all I ever wanted to do was comfort, help or make other people happy

 

[Wayfaerer]

are they physical or situational?

Both.

I just have a strange thing I want to help someone on hear as I cant help myself anymore

I understand, I feel the same way for some reason. It's almost like living vicariously through them as a form of escapism, as odd as that sounds. On the other side of the coin, I mostly feel nothing but bitterness towards some people who are suicidal over the dumbest, most common and transient of reasons. It really depends on a case-by-case basis.

 

[Worndown]

Anyone find it very surreal to be on here?-like they cant believe its come to this-like they could have had a chance of a good life-but a few too many woes and regrets and being let down by people and have lost all hope and how sad and tragic it is to now be spending time on a suicide forum when you aImost had an ok life-but too much shit went down and you finally cracked- feel like im in an alternate reality- a living nightmare. I keep hoping I will wake up and be in a different life! Wish I could just start over again-but ya can't can you? It's so sad.

There should not be any stigma associated with being here. I have seen many more back away from the bus than get on.
This is a needed part on the process and we are glad you are here.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Anyone find it very surreal to be on here?-like they cant believe its come to this-like they could have had a chance of a good life-but a few too many woes and regrets and being let down by people and have lost all hope and how sad and tragic it is to now be spending time on a suicide forum when you aImost had an ok life-but too much shit went down and you finally cracked- feel like im in an alternate reality- a living nightmare. I keep hoping I will wake up and be in a different life! Wish I could just start over again-but ya can't can you? It's so sad.

I suffer from the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. Mine isn't really that much if a mental problem. I just want the suffering to end. But yes this is very surreal. I never heard of the condition I got when I was 20 years old called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I'm 34 now and I've lived too many years like this. This disease is so painful people have their limbs amputated. Mine has gotten so awful I've been isolated for at least 12 years from everyone and everything. No one ever think they're going to wind up suicidal. It indeed is very sad and scary.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I suffer from the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. Mine isn't really that much if a mental problem. I just want the suffering to end. But yes this is very
I'm 34 now and I've lived too many years like this. This disease is so painful people have their limbs amputated. Mine has gotten so awful I've been isolated for at least 12 years from everyone and everything. No one ever think they're going to wind up suicidal. It indeed is very sad and scary.

Thats awful-sorry to hear, and I guess to pain medications helps then? crazy nothing can help. real sad

 

[Wayfaerer]

I suffer from the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. Mine isn't really that much if a mental problem. I just want the suffering to end. But yes this is very surreal. I never heard of the condition I got when I was 20 years old called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I'm 34 now and I've lived too many years like this. This disease is so painful people have their limbs amputated. Mine has gotten so awful I've been isolated for at least 12 years from everyone and everything. No one ever think they're going to wind up suicidal. It indeed is very sad and scary.

That sounds brutal. I'm impressed that you've made it through 12 years of that. Does it come and go or is it more persistent?

 

[Sweet emotion]

That sounds brutal. I'm impressed that you've made it through 12 years of that. Does it come and go or is it more persistent?

I've actually made it through 14 but I was still partially able to live. Then I just existed. No it's no stop.

Thats awful-sorry to hear, and I guess to pain medications helps then? crazy nothing can help. real sad

This condition is resistant against pain meds. They may help some but barely.

 

[MeltingHeart]

There should not be any stigma associated with being here. I have seen many more back away from the bus than get on.
This is a needed part on the process and we are glad you are here.

for me personally I cant take it as good that I am on here at all. I am seeking very real tips and tricks, and this is just the nail in the coffin and the tragedy of what my life has become, since ive had a severe breakdown. If it helps some people to turn their thoughts/ lives around then I am glad for them- though I dont fully understand it. As we can never fully understand other people I guess

 

[Worndown]

This may sound terrible, but this place is where people can do research, exchange thoughts and vent their souls.
Many find a way to continue a little longer. They find kindred spirits thar are sympathetic and supportive.
Those that proceed with their plans do it better informed than those that never visit.

 

[c824767]

I am accepting it for what it is. How I rationally think about my situation: I am uncomfortable with my future which will be dire and dark, and want to make an exit.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I suffer from the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. Mine isn't really that much if a mental problem. I just want the suffering to end. But yes this is very surreal. I never heard of the condition I got when I was 20 years old called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I'm 34 now and I've lived too many years like this. This disease is so painful people have their limbs amputated. Mine has gotten so awful I've been isolated for at least 12 years from everyone and everything. No one ever think they're going to wind up suicidal. It indeed is very sad and scary.

Sorry to hear your story. I feel for you. I can't believe I'm here either.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I am accepting it for what it is. How I rationally think about my situation: I am uncomfortable with my future which will be dire and dark, and want to make an exit.

Same here.....

 

[azucaramargo]

I guess what I mean it, unless you really want to do it why bother coming on here, just go get on with your life, it seems a strange perversity to come on to a suicide forum to stop yourself from suiciding-if you want to stop your self from having suicidal ideation then logically one can conclude you are not actually suicidal-does that make sense? not wanting to sound facetious, but I guess it something I dont understand. Like I cant comprehend coming on here- to stop myself feeling suicidal- but if this does work for some people-especially younger folk that are confused and temporarily down-then I am very glad that its gives then the time, respite and communtity to talk and think it over before they themselves do something they dont really want to do.

Someone accused me of being perverse by coming to this site because I am not actively suicidal. I want to get better. And, I like the people here. Except for one.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Someone accused me of being perverse by coming to this site because I am not actively suicidal. I want to get better. And, I like the people here. Except for one.

I understand- Im sorry- I was being VERY one dimensional about it - im my narrow view- I thought- if you want to get better-being on here will make you feel much worse-I have now learnt that I am wrong-and that for many this place is able to provide solace, shared experiences & encouragement if you do want to get better not only support and info in ctb! I was projecting my own feelings on to others- I feel bad for doing so.

 

[azucaramargo]

I understand- Im sorry- I was being VERY one dimensional about it - im my narrow view- I thought- if you want to get better-being on here will make you feel much worse-I have now learnt that I am wrong-and that for many this place is able to provide solace, shared experiences & encouragement if you do want to get better not only support and info in ctb! I was projecting my own feelings on to others- I feel bad for doing so.

No, you were absolutely right. This guy asked me the same questions. And, other SS'ers have asked the same questions. I do feel kind of giddy when I'm on the site: so many nice people, and everyone's being so open and vulnerable. My contributions are not always appropriate/befitting of the mood.

 

[Misanthrope]

It does feel surreal. Came here impulsively, found being here softened the intensity as did the comfort of knowing I could now leave relatively painlessly. It took the edge off and I have been able to cope better and for longer than I thought possible because of it. I locked up a lot inside for many years and venting it here helps as I don't have to censor anything. I am very grateful to some of the people I chat with on here. It is still strange being here though.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Im
Just holding back at the moment from the biggest vent of all time - including lots of swearing - of the people that are literally blocking me from achieveing my goal, NOT out of love for me NOT because they care - pure self interest/ preservation!! They say they are being humane when it's the exact opposite!! It's verging on sadistic at this time. I'm very very f**kin angry right now

 

[angele]

I found this site about 16 hours ago and haven't been able to take my eyes off it since. I feel the same with others about feeling like you found home. Lots of great information and helpful people. It's given me a sense of relief that I haven't felt in a very long time

 

[Final Escape]

No I'm not surprised I ended up here. My life started off bad and in our current society u can easily slip through the cracks.

 

[Bluefish]

I feel you OP, everything just went straight to toilet so to speak and now im fucked up for good. There's no going back, no matter how much i cry or wish. Its devastating and surreal. I'm so sorry for everyone here.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel, word-for-word.

EDIT: Well shit, I forgot I had posted in this thread already. This post alone would've sufficed.

 

[Sideswipe]

I have been searching for a place like this for ages.
I feel right at home already! Alot of abbreviations to learn and many threads to read. Just want to say hi to you all no matter your reason for being here.
I look forward to finding more out about variables in ctb. I'm not sure where I am right now.. it's do or don't this weekend... also with or without an accomplice (not from here)

I feel heightened and elated yet scared and empty at the same time.

I will check in later on and start really having a good read through.