sanctionedusage
sanctioned sausage
- Sep 17, 2025
- 628
Coming out of the craze of an acute plan I would've expected to 'come home' to something, and there was nothing/no one. I think fiction does a better job at keeping me around than people ever did. I'm so at peace watching pirated shows from before I was born at 2 in the morning alone.
It's jarring to see everything I did to get to this point, totally intentionally. I got rid of each and every person around me since I was 17. The attitude was there since before I ever even knew I was serious about killing myself. I had no reason to deny myself a boyfriend, a best friend, college, access to drugs/alcohol, clothes, help and support, some fucking furniture. Anything I could've looked forward to felt ridiculous to have and I couldn't explain why. That feeling only got stronger over the years as the urge articulated itself properly, that superior 'other thing' I really wanted to pursue, above all those trivial experiences I'd rejected.
It feels like I'm constantly experiencing the call of the void, even when I think I'm nowhere near it. I genuinely feel completely fine, and I almost always do. I can't notice anything wrong but I know I'm always potentially 10 minutes from hanging myself in the closet. I think I've committed to this end so much more than I think I have, because I usually only count buying the rope & learning the knot.
I've never wrecked things as thoroughly as I have now. I'm looking at 10, 15, up to 20 personal relationships I've killed in the last few years for this, at least 10 of those explicitly with ctb in mind. I'm beyond late in life, in all things education and independence. One more year and I'll officially have stagnated over 20% of my life. I can't bring myself to open my fucking email and make the one click to move things along in either of those departments. The only texts/calls I ever get are from my laser tech, to whom I admitted today that I've completely lost the last 4 years of my life. I have the saddest life I could ever dream of. But I barely even care. I'm in no hurry to help it along, either for improvement or merciful euthanasia. I have never been more alone. There IS no turning back at this point. Im so apathetic and weak spirited at this point, I don't know if I'll even do it before natural causes do first.
And even though I've reduced myself to this speck of dust, somehow, people are still threatened by me. Still got it.
It's jarring to see everything I did to get to this point, totally intentionally. I got rid of each and every person around me since I was 17. The attitude was there since before I ever even knew I was serious about killing myself. I had no reason to deny myself a boyfriend, a best friend, college, access to drugs/alcohol, clothes, help and support, some fucking furniture. Anything I could've looked forward to felt ridiculous to have and I couldn't explain why. That feeling only got stronger over the years as the urge articulated itself properly, that superior 'other thing' I really wanted to pursue, above all those trivial experiences I'd rejected.
It feels like I'm constantly experiencing the call of the void, even when I think I'm nowhere near it. I genuinely feel completely fine, and I almost always do. I can't notice anything wrong but I know I'm always potentially 10 minutes from hanging myself in the closet. I think I've committed to this end so much more than I think I have, because I usually only count buying the rope & learning the knot.
I've never wrecked things as thoroughly as I have now. I'm looking at 10, 15, up to 20 personal relationships I've killed in the last few years for this, at least 10 of those explicitly with ctb in mind. I'm beyond late in life, in all things education and independence. One more year and I'll officially have stagnated over 20% of my life. I can't bring myself to open my fucking email and make the one click to move things along in either of those departments. The only texts/calls I ever get are from my laser tech, to whom I admitted today that I've completely lost the last 4 years of my life. I have the saddest life I could ever dream of. But I barely even care. I'm in no hurry to help it along, either for improvement or merciful euthanasia. I have never been more alone. There IS no turning back at this point. Im so apathetic and weak spirited at this point, I don't know if I'll even do it before natural causes do first.
And even though I've reduced myself to this speck of dust, somehow, people are still threatened by me. Still got it.
