Can’t be alone

[valentine]

I can't handle being alone. I find myself very rarely happy when I'm by myself, especially recently.
I've been very serious about my plans to ctb recently. But when I'm with someone else those thoughts go away almost completely. Today I drove around with my friends for a bit and I was genuinely laughing and smiling. And as soon as I'm back home it comes back full force.

the last person I dated, I spent all my time at their house. It probably wasn't healthy but it made me feel okay. And since they broke up with me I just feel completely alone. I don't know how to handle it. I know it's unrealistic to expect someone to want to spend that much time with me.

I know like treatment wise I should learn to just be content with myself but I can't. I don't want to put in the effort. I hate myself and I hate being alone with myself. I don't want to do years of therapy to feel okay being alone.

I think this is why I want to ctb the most. Sometimes it almost feels worth it to stay alive when I'm with the people I love but it's also crushing knowing it won't last. I'm tired of living like this.

 

[almost_dead]

I think its kinda hard for us to be on our own . We always try to forget ourselves by Netflix, Bf/Gf, Food, Books, Internet,Drugs etc.

 

[valentine]

I think its kinda hard for us to be on our own . We always try to forget ourselves by Netflix, Bf/Gf, Food, Books, Internet,Drugs etc.

Yeah, drugs/alcohol make being alone much easier for me. Lately my depression and ADHD combo have made netflix or reading impossible. I miss being able to lose myself in a book or a tv show. I guess escapism in general helps.

 

[almost_dead]

Yeah, drugs/alcohol make being alone much easier for me. Lately my depression and ADHD combo have made netflix or reading impossible. I miss being able to lose myself in a book or a tv show. I guess escapism in general helps.

But you know we get accustomed/bored with very kind of escapism , so its not good in long run . It will be very painful when we will run out of every escape. Thats why i dont do drugs and stuff bcz people say highs are too good and lows are too bad .

 

[valentine]

Yeah I've already dealt with that quite a bit unfortunately. I just don't know how to feel okay when I'm alone. I think I've mostly made peace with ctbing by the end of the year so I guess in the long run it won't matter.

 

[woxihuanni]

Unless you expect active engagement and attention all the time, it is actually the most normal thing ever to want to have family in the same house, birth family when you are a chile and a partner when you are an adult. People are able to handle being alone in between, provided that they have a reliable social life. But that cannot last forever.

Most people lucky enough to have got married young think they would also be fine alone. Either they would turn out not to be fine if put to test, or they would be fine because they have a lot of years under their belt as part of a couple that this provides fuel for afterwards.

My words wil get lost, everything gets lost, but somebody must stand up and say the truth when a lie humiliates so many innocent people. Lastly, there is a hunter gatherer tribe where absolutely no one, ever sleeps alone by a fire. This tells you something about what we really are, as opposed to what we are forced to be in modern society.

 

[valentine]

Unless you expect active engagement and attention all the time, it is actually the most normal thing ever to want to have family in the same house, birth family when you are a chile and a partner when you are an adult. People are able to handle being alone in between, provided that they have a reliable social life. But that cannot last forever.

Most people lucky enough to have got married young think they would also be fine alone. Either they would turn out not to be fine if put to test, or they would be fine because they have a lot of years under their belt as part of a couple that this provides fuel for afterwards.

My words wil get lost, everything gets lost, but somebody must stand up and say the truth when a lie humiliates so many innocent people. Lastly, there is a hunter gatherer tribe where absolutely no one, ever sleeps alone by a fire. This tells you something about what we really are, as opposed to what we are forced to be in modern society.

Thank you for saying this, really. I'm drunk and very emotional but this made me cry. This really spoke to me. Thank you.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I took care of a dying parent for many years. When she finally went, someone told me he'd been to a psychic who told him I was like a terrified child waiting for its mother to return home late at night... I never believed in psychics... but being from a very poor family, I remember being left alone in the apartment at nights as early as five while my mom worked at a hospital. I was besides myself with fear. I'd stay up all night with all the lights on before leaving for school, exhausted, just as my mom got back home.

Then when my mom died, everything fell apart. I sat up indulging my addiction all night in the room where she died. There was nothing and no one. I know some of you can relate. I'd get painful panic attacks from being lonely and alone--my heart felt like it was bursting through my chest... And that goes on for DECADES 'til even someone as stupid as me realizes there are unstated castes in society. And if you're one of the untouchables, well... So you accept the hell of constant isolation as the better evil relative to the hell of being constantly ridiculed-rejected-and-exploited.

I'm sure the "professionals" would classify people like me/us as having some kind of disorder, but more of them also recognize companionship as, not a luxury, but a basic human need. So we shouldn't be surprised at the negative effects of lifelong alienation. But how do you nearly guarantee a cure for loneliness when we're all free to decide what people to lavish our time and attention on? I don't think we can. Some people are just sh*t outta luck.

Too much info? Without these boards to post on, I'd never, ever, ever be able to share anything. I haven't had an in-person non-work-related conversation in nearly 20 years. And not for lack of trying. :/