Help Can you give me tips on how to ease my pain until I can ctb?

[HopefulSleep]

I can't ctb right now cause of issues with money and planning and I just can't take it anymore, I am feeling so much pain.
I have no friends, EVERYONE hurts me, they have all hurt me, they don't care about my feelings, they have joy in hurting me.
Why did they insult my dead family members? Why did they beat me up? Why did they make fun of me for acting weirdly cause I am autistic? Why did they do sexual things with me that I didn't want? Why does no one care about how I feel?
They still try to contact me just to make fun of me, I remember going out some weeks ago to buy food and one of them saw me and laughed their ass off and said to their friend something like "look how ugly this fat idiot looks", another person made a new account online just to pretend to be another person and to get information from me to hurt me mentally and cause I am autistic I believed them.
I feel alone but when I have a new friend they will hurt me anyway.
My family doesn't care, they lie to me and call me crazy.
I have no joy anymore when I sit in front of my pc, my life is meaningless.
In the past it made fun to visit my grandma but she is dead, cause of dementia she forgot who I was before she died, it hurts so much.
I have a panic attack everyday and I always have to try my best not to make a shitty ctb attempt emotionally cause I don't want to be forced in a psych ward.
I don't know how I did it until this point but I just need help to make the pain less.
What I also don't know is what I should do when I think about how I got sexually assaulted, I feel physical arousal and then I masturbate cause I think it makes this feeling go away but it doesn't, I nearly castrated myself cause of that but I didn't cause I was afraid of the physical pain.
I am feeling so weird mentally and physically all the time, I don't know what I should do.
Please give me some tips what I can do to numb the feelings.
I thought about self harm but other people told me it only feels good for a short period of time.
Doing drugs would be stupid, I need the money to ctb.
I will try my best to properly plan it as fast as I can and find a good way to make money, I just want the pain to stop.
What I also don't know is what I should do when the person who sexually assaulted me tries to find me again, I get so angry when he does that I am afraid that I will kill him out of anger what he tries to do sexually with me every time and then my ctb plan would be fucked.
I hate him, I wish his family would knew what he does, I want him to be abandoned, I want him to get locked up and tortured and killed, I even tried to forgive him when he acted like he was sorry but guess what he touched me again in places I told him it hurts, I wish I could break him, I want to punch his face until it is a puddle of blood, if a person brings me to the point in which I try to castrate myself cause of them I have no regret, but it doesn't matter cause in this shitty world no one cares if someone molests others they only care that I don't ctb after someone does that to me.
Sorry if I got emotional.
Can someone who feels similar please help me somehow?

 

[todienomore]

Can you go to the police about your abuser?

 

[HopefulSleep]

Can you go to the police about your abuser?

I don't want to talk about what he did to the police just for it to nothing happen in the end.
I can also let him get beaten up but this could get me in trouble, I just want that he stops contacting me until I ctb.
But even then my life is still shit and it doesn't make the past better tho.

 

[todienomore]

I think you should still talk to them, its an important step to take the power back, take back your voice, however you can. Also its likely he is abusing other people, imagine if you could help save others from abuse. Isnt that worth the risk? Wouldn't that feel good?

Abuse makes you believe lies, you have to reject those narratives.

My friend was abused as a teen by a church leader and he buried it in his mind somehow, didnt report it until he was in his 30s, partly because he realized it was probably still going on. He was able to help put the guy in jail, save more kids from abuse.