Can you ever be totally sure?

[bigfishlittlefish]

I don't really have anything left to live for now. I'm disabled and live alone. I have just lost the love of my life. I've been in an abusive marriage, survived countless abusive relationships as well as an abusive childhood. I am stuck in my home around 99% of the time now. I'm in physical pain (to varying amounts) every day, as well as emotional pain. I feel that in my 40 years on this planet, I've done more living than I ever would have expected to do in that time. I don't think I could achieve even half as much if I had another 40 years.

I am maybe 90-95% sure I'm ready to go, but I'm wondering if anyone is ever really 100% sure? If it's even possible to be that sure? Is it normal to have any degree of doubt, or does having *any* doubt mean I'm not actually ready?

It's not like I can go see a therapist about this because if I tell them I'm intending to ctb, they will have a legal obligation to inform welfare services and then I will be forcibly hospitalised, which is the absolute last thing I want or need.

 

[LastFlowers]

I haven't done any living at all and I'm still certain this is what needs to happen, despite being extremely upset that I'm cornered into the decision and that my only other option is to prolong pointless suffering.

So while I'm "totally sure" logically speaking, the regret over a life unable to be lived-an existence that only amounted to agony and humiliation-is insurmountable, even death itself will not overcome or erase that, I will simply cease to be conscious of my fate.
So I'm not sure if what you're feeling is true doubt or some type of lost hope that's searching for the impossible to still be done and fulfilled.
If it's true uncertainty about whether or not this is the right time, then perhaps you should postpone your plans. With that said, no matter how miserable you are, no matter how hopeless, unless you act on impulse, it's never going to be easy to take your own life, even when it's the most reasonable course of action (like in my case).
Something may still feel "off" regardless, and maybe it is just more difficult to discern what exactly that is in your specific situation.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

We all have a survival instinct which will prevent us from being 100% sure. It is absolutely normal.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like only you know when it is the right time to leave this world, it is your life and your decision. I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. I can imagine it must be unbearable to be in so much pain. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Al Cappella]

100% sure? Probably not, but the high 90s are good enough for me…

 

[bigfishlittlefish]

So I'm not sure if what you're feeling is true doubt or some type of lost hope that's searching for the impossible to still be done and fulfilled.

Yeah, I tihnk you may be right about that. Pragmatically, I know that any more time on this Earth will be in isolation and pain, but I guess I'm still sad to lose that time because there's still that little voice in the back of my head that says "what if?", and "you never know what might happen" and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, there's always the outside chance that things might turn around, but the odds aren't great.

I've lived alone before, but when I did then, I had so many more friends that I saw regularly. I was able to go out semi-regularly. Now, I can't even go to the supermarket without a friend driving me there, and sometimes even struggle even to climb the two flights of stairs back up to my home when I get back.

Although the condition I have doesn't have a definite trajectory, ultimately things (medically) will only get worse - I just don't knnow to what degree, or how fast. So I guess maybe because of that uncertainty, I feel some doubt, or whatever's best to call it..

We all have a survival instinct which will prevent us from being 100% sure. It is absolutely normal.

That makes sense and is reassuring. Thank you. I guess part of me is whistful or sad to lose the possible life I might have had - even though I have high certainty that it wouldn't have been a good one - if that makes sense?