II've been suicidal for almost three years now. You may know my story from other posts, but during the first two years as my whole world collapsed the ONLY thing that stayed my hand was concern for what my suicide would do to my young daughter. Since I moved to Thailand the feelings of remorse, regret and shame for what I did have been made worse by the addition of incredible isolation. But again for the first 4 months, it was still my little girl that has kept me going, though I've taken a few steps toward CTB anyway: started a journal that will go to my daughter that will hopefully make it clear to her how much I loved her and how much joy she brought me, cleaning up my digital devices, etc. But even as I've been journaling, I still entertained doubts about whether I can do this to her -- even if I can find a way to make it look like an accident, which I hope would be somewhat easier to cope with.
But i have to say that the person who has kept me alive these last three years seems to be slipping away from me. When I first got here, we skyped 2-3 times a week. Now I'm lucky if I can reach her once every week or more. It's been since Christmas eve since we've skyped. I've sent her at least 2-3 message a day, sent her videos and pictures of us from before, but she just doesn't seem interested in staying in contact with me anymore. The bond with the child that kept me alive appears to be weakening and with that so does my grip on life. So I really don't know what my answer is to your question. I once thought I could live through the pain to prevent causing her catastrophic pain. I lost my wife, my career, my position in society, a number of friends and colleagues, and my self respect. But through all that lost, my girl was there. But if I've lost her too, there's really nothing left to stay my hand.
For the first time, I'm experiencing a real fear that I might be actually approaching the end that until now has always been somewhat of an abstract possibility.
