GirlNoor
بنت النور
- Jul 18, 2023
- 6
First of all, I'd like to say this community has helped me a lot through these passed three months. I've finally made an account so I can comment back and post. I've been through this loop of depression and reading about other people with the same issues has helped me tremendously.
These past four months I've been on a spiral on my life. I'm a young adult and had the best job ever (to me at least). I did nails and I m super good at art. It's all I've ever wanted to do. I was making at least $100k a year. My boss was trying to have children with her husband that works with us as well. With me being sick with chronic Lymes disease, along with a trail of medical problems from 153 tick bites from 4 years prior. (It's terrible I know) Her husband would always be nice to me and I thought that was just him being sympathetic. His wife was always so jealous of our "work friendship" it was hard to even work comfortably. He would always tell me good morning and teach me his native language. Honestly from me not having a dad, I found a figure in him. Nothing EVER sexual. Need I remind you I have a boyfriend of 3 years. I was heading in for work and got a text from my boss lying asking "I want to see how good my husbands English is, can you send me all your text messages", with me that has absolutely nothing to hide, I sent them. She told me not to come in that day and had my coworker bring in my last check. What she did to me was evil. I was poor and sick before she found me, gave me a life of luxury and took it away from me. I can't find another job, I've ran out of my savings a month ago. I've resulted into sex work for paying for monthly bills. That's all I can afford .
I'm back living with my mom, that I swore I'd never go back to after what she's done to me. (A short run down, her boyfriend raped me at 14, once I told my sister and my sister told her the day after she told me I was a liar. When I went to court she lied to the police to save her ass, said she had no clue about it and knew for 3 years. She also taunts me about it sometimes, that's why I hate her almost more than her ex bf.) every time I see her all I can think about is when I was 14. I'm living in her room because my brother got into trouble with the police and got kicked out of his house and is now living in my old room. (the room I hoped I'd get back bc it has hundreds of dollars of stuff I planned on taking the my new apt. desk, bed, gaming chairs, etc…) he made himself right at home. Almost in his thirties and I had to drive him to work everyday. I had to get in a fight with him to get his license. As you can tell it's exhausting catering to your old ass brother while he gets everything you have left. I have all my things in bags, only a few pairs of clothes out. While he uses my dresser and my closet. Finally he got his license but then it was only a matter of time before I can't use my car anymore. He started using it 5 hours a day DAILY. going to the gym or his friends or his dads, or whatever. I had nothing to do and would stay in my moms room all day just sleeping, I have no job and the depression has made me isolate myself. My boyfriend got a job a state away and that's when it got really bad. I no longer had a friend to cry to. I began to gather pills, oxy, hydro, benz literally anything. This life is miserable and my mom loves to make it so. I told her o wanted to kill myself a couple weeks ago and she laughed. I'm not even joking. "You're so young…." I've gotten so desperate for help I told my bf thats a state away I want to Kms. To my avail, "what do you want me to do, I'm a state away, idk why you tell me this". I'm just so hopeless. My chest feels so caved in with an empty heart. I cry everyday if not twice or three times. I realized I was hyper emotional after someone told me I should've enjoyed being raped (as a joke? Not sure how it could be a joke bc it really upset me, then told me I was the problem bc they shouldn't have to word their way around things to not make people triggered. I told them it's not censorship just be decent maybe?? And then they just kept going on about how my step dad raped me. As if I didn't know) I've came to the conclusion that maybe I'm just not built for this mean cruel world. I've been beat down to nothing and it's hard to get up to even brush my teeth or hair or take a shower or even eat. I've given myself till Tuesday for some kind of change. (Maybe the apartments I've applied for would approve me) getting out of my moms house away from all this hate and labor would be the answer. But I'm not sure I can wait anymore while this world beats me up. I have too high of expectations in life to live like this. I don't have money for food, or to clean my clothes. The bugs in this house are AWFUL I have scabs all over my body. My body itches terribly, there are animals everywhere, they just keep breading. Smells like cat shit and piss EVERYWHERE hence why I keep things in bags. This is such. Drastic change bc this is exactly the reason my I left my mom when I was 17. And Im back here. All alone. And it's 10x worse than before. Im just not sure what life has in store for me anymore and i just don't have the energy to keep going. Im trying to play this smart so I don't od and turn into a vegetable. I've tried oding with just oxy and hydro and it didn't work (I took a handful at 15 and ended up in the ward) from my experiences counselors don't help, they are just waiting for the moment you relatively talk about anything about cbt, they got the asap worker on speed dial and a bus ready to take you to the hospital. It's not helpful if I cant truly talk about how I feel. That's why these forums help so much. My town is a known crack head town filled with fake drugs. I've thought about getting heroin or something absolutely boofed (I've never down drugs other than weed, the pills are only to Kms) I don't see a future anymore, it's crazy how I used to and now all I see is nothing. I don't see myself ever getting out of this never ending cycle of pain. I've bugged all my friends to the point where they probably think I'm just saying these things for attention. I've told my boyfriend I'm going to ctb and to break up with me, stop messing with mentally insane girls and move on. Go find a nice girl in your state and leave me alone. He keeps telling me about all our memories and things and that this will never be again, no more late night runs, no more Taco Bell at 2am, no more clubbing. And he thinks I haven't put that into factor for literal months. My patience is at an all time low and it's hard to wait till Tuesday. I told him if he's not going to leave me alone than AT LEAST make my last few days worth living. Who knows maybe I might find a reason to live. I've stopped using my car, now I am walking everywhere. I want to feel the sun and rain and wind on my skin one last time, I went out to the mountains and hiked for 3 hours with no food or water. I want to see the beauty of what I can during this short time. I want to go swimming. I guess that's a deal breaker for him (too gross) I'm appalled at him for this tbh. The other day I had got done smoking and a few hours later I kissed him. He pushed me away and explained to me how terribly my breath smelled regardless of how I actually brushed my teeth this week and he forgot to this morning. He humiliated me and I covered my mouth and just cried. He didn't do anything, I went to go sleep on the floor bc I didn't want to sleep with him after he had just said something so mean and insensitive, considering the last few days. I told him to just take me so my moms house, I just don't want to be around him now at all. Should I use this as a reason to push him away so I can finally ctb? I'm finally all alone and it's Saturday. Only three more days. Monday he leaves to go back to work and Tuesday is my final day.
Didn't realize how long this was until now. But hopefully someone can relate :)
These past four months I've been on a spiral on my life. I'm a young adult and had the best job ever (to me at least). I did nails and I m super good at art. It's all I've ever wanted to do. I was making at least $100k a year. My boss was trying to have children with her husband that works with us as well. With me being sick with chronic Lymes disease, along with a trail of medical problems from 153 tick bites from 4 years prior. (It's terrible I know) Her husband would always be nice to me and I thought that was just him being sympathetic. His wife was always so jealous of our "work friendship" it was hard to even work comfortably. He would always tell me good morning and teach me his native language. Honestly from me not having a dad, I found a figure in him. Nothing EVER sexual. Need I remind you I have a boyfriend of 3 years. I was heading in for work and got a text from my boss lying asking "I want to see how good my husbands English is, can you send me all your text messages", with me that has absolutely nothing to hide, I sent them. She told me not to come in that day and had my coworker bring in my last check. What she did to me was evil. I was poor and sick before she found me, gave me a life of luxury and took it away from me. I can't find another job, I've ran out of my savings a month ago. I've resulted into sex work for paying for monthly bills. That's all I can afford .
I'm back living with my mom, that I swore I'd never go back to after what she's done to me. (A short run down, her boyfriend raped me at 14, once I told my sister and my sister told her the day after she told me I was a liar. When I went to court she lied to the police to save her ass, said she had no clue about it and knew for 3 years. She also taunts me about it sometimes, that's why I hate her almost more than her ex bf.) every time I see her all I can think about is when I was 14. I'm living in her room because my brother got into trouble with the police and got kicked out of his house and is now living in my old room. (the room I hoped I'd get back bc it has hundreds of dollars of stuff I planned on taking the my new apt. desk, bed, gaming chairs, etc…) he made himself right at home. Almost in his thirties and I had to drive him to work everyday. I had to get in a fight with him to get his license. As you can tell it's exhausting catering to your old ass brother while he gets everything you have left. I have all my things in bags, only a few pairs of clothes out. While he uses my dresser and my closet. Finally he got his license but then it was only a matter of time before I can't use my car anymore. He started using it 5 hours a day DAILY. going to the gym or his friends or his dads, or whatever. I had nothing to do and would stay in my moms room all day just sleeping, I have no job and the depression has made me isolate myself. My boyfriend got a job a state away and that's when it got really bad. I no longer had a friend to cry to. I began to gather pills, oxy, hydro, benz literally anything. This life is miserable and my mom loves to make it so. I told her o wanted to kill myself a couple weeks ago and she laughed. I'm not even joking. "You're so young…." I've gotten so desperate for help I told my bf thats a state away I want to Kms. To my avail, "what do you want me to do, I'm a state away, idk why you tell me this". I'm just so hopeless. My chest feels so caved in with an empty heart. I cry everyday if not twice or three times. I realized I was hyper emotional after someone told me I should've enjoyed being raped (as a joke? Not sure how it could be a joke bc it really upset me, then told me I was the problem bc they shouldn't have to word their way around things to not make people triggered. I told them it's not censorship just be decent maybe?? And then they just kept going on about how my step dad raped me. As if I didn't know) I've came to the conclusion that maybe I'm just not built for this mean cruel world. I've been beat down to nothing and it's hard to get up to even brush my teeth or hair or take a shower or even eat. I've given myself till Tuesday for some kind of change. (Maybe the apartments I've applied for would approve me) getting out of my moms house away from all this hate and labor would be the answer. But I'm not sure I can wait anymore while this world beats me up. I have too high of expectations in life to live like this. I don't have money for food, or to clean my clothes. The bugs in this house are AWFUL I have scabs all over my body. My body itches terribly, there are animals everywhere, they just keep breading. Smells like cat shit and piss EVERYWHERE hence why I keep things in bags. This is such. Drastic change bc this is exactly the reason my I left my mom when I was 17. And Im back here. All alone. And it's 10x worse than before. Im just not sure what life has in store for me anymore and i just don't have the energy to keep going. Im trying to play this smart so I don't od and turn into a vegetable. I've tried oding with just oxy and hydro and it didn't work (I took a handful at 15 and ended up in the ward) from my experiences counselors don't help, they are just waiting for the moment you relatively talk about anything about cbt, they got the asap worker on speed dial and a bus ready to take you to the hospital. It's not helpful if I cant truly talk about how I feel. That's why these forums help so much. My town is a known crack head town filled with fake drugs. I've thought about getting heroin or something absolutely boofed (I've never down drugs other than weed, the pills are only to Kms) I don't see a future anymore, it's crazy how I used to and now all I see is nothing. I don't see myself ever getting out of this never ending cycle of pain. I've bugged all my friends to the point where they probably think I'm just saying these things for attention. I've told my boyfriend I'm going to ctb and to break up with me, stop messing with mentally insane girls and move on. Go find a nice girl in your state and leave me alone. He keeps telling me about all our memories and things and that this will never be again, no more late night runs, no more Taco Bell at 2am, no more clubbing. And he thinks I haven't put that into factor for literal months. My patience is at an all time low and it's hard to wait till Tuesday. I told him if he's not going to leave me alone than AT LEAST make my last few days worth living. Who knows maybe I might find a reason to live. I've stopped using my car, now I am walking everywhere. I want to feel the sun and rain and wind on my skin one last time, I went out to the mountains and hiked for 3 hours with no food or water. I want to see the beauty of what I can during this short time. I want to go swimming. I guess that's a deal breaker for him (too gross) I'm appalled at him for this tbh. The other day I had got done smoking and a few hours later I kissed him. He pushed me away and explained to me how terribly my breath smelled regardless of how I actually brushed my teeth this week and he forgot to this morning. He humiliated me and I covered my mouth and just cried. He didn't do anything, I went to go sleep on the floor bc I didn't want to sleep with him after he had just said something so mean and insensitive, considering the last few days. I told him to just take me so my moms house, I just don't want to be around him now at all. Should I use this as a reason to push him away so I can finally ctb? I'm finally all alone and it's Saturday. Only three more days. Monday he leaves to go back to work and Tuesday is my final day.
Didn't realize how long this was until now. But hopefully someone can relate :)
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