Help Can I still recover?

[H0110W]

I always thought asking for help was weak. I barely ever asked for help in my entire life, and this is how I ended up. I have actual proof now that I am not mentally sane and that I have one or more mental illnesses going on. Even though I am anonymous I am struggling so much to ask for help but here it goes.

Please do not respond if you don't care about a random Internet stranger. But if you feel about it, try to look at my past posting history and at what I say here and give me some kind of help.

Anyway, I am 35 years old. I have very intrusive suicidal thoughts. I failed at having a relationship because I am mentally ill, or so I think. Even when I felt happy, I wanted it to stop, and I secretly wished to be alone. This is why I think I am mentally ill, I've felt her love, I've felt love for the beautiful places I went with her. I almost cried for happiness. Yet I could not accept it, I always thought I would rather be alone.

Is this sign of mental illness?

Also, I have no friends, and I am avoidant as fuck. I don't like socializing, so I guess my best bet is to live alone and try to enjoy it as much as I can. I have several nerdy hobbies like gaming, programming, building gaming pcs, and stuff like that. I also enjoy working out and shopping for clothes.

Do you think that if another relationship is not possible, could it be possible to enjoy the incel life alone? Even by taking antidepressants and other meds, that could be preferable to killing myself. I have everything ready and planned for my exit strategy, it will happen in January when I will reach peak loneliness.

What scares me the most is being alone in my 40s. If at 40 or near 40 I'm still alive, I'll either have accepted the lonely incel life, or I'll be in another relationship. As of right now, I don't see that happening, I also don't think I'll be able to be in a relationship if being close to another person and feeling happiness is repulsive to me. It's as if I am addicted to being depressed, even though I hate this feeling, it makes me unable to do anything and sometimes it makes me physically ill. I guess I'm terrified of getting old, maybe this is a symptom of some kind of mental illness too, but I am utterly ashamed of my age and how low I've sunk.

I'm really at my wits end here, my choice is between overcoming SI and killing myself or overcoming my aversion to asking for help and my distrust of therapists and ask for help there. There is no way I can do this alone, it will only be a repeat of my mistakes that I've made so far.

To conclude this wall of text, I'd appreciate advice for people who are at my age or older, and from people who actually sucked it up and asked for professional help. Even if it did not help you, even if it made you suicidal, or if you think that it's over I'd like to see it. I am not easy to influence so you can tell me how you think it is, with no filters.

 

[jodes2]

Absolutely ask for help. It certainly can help, and there really is no shame in it. I hope you can convince yourself it's completely ok

Please, please, if you have any beliefs at all that you have mental illness, get professional help as well as asking for help on forums, it all helps. We don't want to lose yet another lovely, precious soul from our community

I guarantee you, with help and time and persistence you can find a loving partner who understands you, accepts you and loves you for who you are. Absolutely no doubt in my mind. There's someone for everyone, even the most hateful, spiteful, ugly all round people out there, and you're none of that you can do it my friend, just work the angles - health and meeting people - and you'll succeed if you just give it time and some effort. One day it will just happen you don't need to become an incel or kill yourself if what you want is a really good partner

 

[H0110W]

Absolutely ask for help. It certainly can help, and there really is no shame in it. I hope you can convince yourself it's completely ok

Please, please, if you have any beliefs at all that you have mental illness, get professional help as well as asking for help on forums, it all helps. We don't want to lose yet another lovely, precious soul from our community

I guarantee you, with help and time and persistence you can find a loving partner who understands you, accepts you and loves you for who you are. Absolutely no doubt in my mind. There's someone for everyone, even the most hateful, spiteful, ugly all round people out there, and you're none of that you can do it my friend, just work the angles - health and meeting people - and you'll succeed if you just give it time and some effort. One day it will just happen you don't need to become an incel or kill yourself if what you want is a really good partner

Thank you for this, the optimism is appreciated. Also let me clarify that I don't want a really good partner, I can be OK with no partner I just want to not feel like shit and have normal emotional responses, without the constant feeling of wanting to be alone even when I'm happy, especially when I don't actually like to be alone anymore. It doesn't make sense that I want to be alone and at the same time I hate it and I want to kms, that's why I am doubting my mental sanity lately.

 

[jodes2]

Thank you for this, the optimism is appreciated. Also let me clarify that I don't want a really good partner, I can be OK with no partner I just want to not feel like shit and have normal emotional responses, without the constant feeling of wanting to be alone even when I'm happy, especially when I don't actually like to be alone anymore. It doesn't make sense that I want to be alone and at the same time I hate it and I want to kms, that's why I am doubting my mental sanity lately.

It's easy to have conflicting feelings, I understand I think don't feel bad about doubting sanity etc, I think almost everyone goes through it at some point please do ask for any help you time you need, I find it can make all the difference to clear up confusion and find solutions to problems very well done for getting this far by the way

 

[noaccount]

Well, to call a mental state an "illness" doesn't mean there's literally a biological disease, it's just a metaphor for thoughts and feelings that are disabling, or distressing - but then again, you know, doctors also call people mentally ill for disagreeing with dominant institutions.

Why Anti-Authoritarians Are Diagnosed as Mentally Ill

In Bruce Levine's career he as spoken with hundreds of people diagnosed with ODD & ADHD. An astonishing number of these people are also anti-authoritarians.

www.madinamerica.com

 

[Pluto]

The nature of distorted thinking is that it is unreliable. Much of what we repeat to ourselves about being unworthy, or the contradictions of wanting to be alone but also wanting relationships, is a product of past abuse or misguidance that has been deeply internalised.

For best results, assume that you cannot trust any of your thoughts and self-assessments. A process of genuine self-discovery is needed. Layers of contradiction need to be removed. I cannot say which means of therapy, contemplative time alone, meditative practice or psychedelic insight will work, only that something needs to be done.

When these layers are gone, there are various possible ways things could go. There's nothing wrong with being alone, especially if there is something to fill the void. A good spiritual path is said to be more fulfilling than chasing the unreliable pleasures of the world. The peace of a simple life can be relaxing and pleasant. Or, you might find that the right path for you involves seeking a relationship after all, this time with no hesitation.

In my own case, I had a dreadful experience with psychologists as a teenager. They were used by my abusive family to help 'diagnose' me with a dubious genetic disorder as a means of covering up the fact that I'd been tormented to the point of C-PTSD. After losing touch with the family, I spent 20 years trying to go it alone, leaving behind a string of failed attempts at peacefully living alone or achieving a proper relationship. The family stuck by its narrative and I tried to replace them with friendships, with dubious results.

I was over 40 when I finally returned to seeing a psychologist. This time, finally having validation that the childhood abuse did happen, and having some of my false beliefs challenged has been a far more positive experience. However, there is no escaping the scariness of being 40+ that you mention yourself. If I could have taken action sooner, it would have made all the difference.

Now, the body itself is starting to fail even as the person inside fights to recover. Basic functions like eating, sleeping and exercising have become an immense strain. The body is now shivering slightly during all waking hours. My intellectual faculties are the only part still working correctly. I try and warn others to not let this happen to them, but short of a miracle, I am on borrowed time. So be advised, but also be warned.

 

[SarRy]

Yes, it's worth a shot at figuring out how to live your life. Go see a therapist. Trust is built over time, but nothing happens if you don't start the process. Get a professional diagnosis to know what you're dealing with. Figure out what you can change and what you have to learn to live with. Figure out what kind of life would be possible and acceptable. Being alone isn't all that bad. Not having the same feelings as others isn't all terrible. It's your life. Figure out what it all means to you. If something is for you, then it'll work for you.

I hope you find peace.

 

[noaccount]

Psychiatric diagnosis 'scientifically meaningless'

A new study has concluded that psychiatric diagnoses are scientifically worthless as tools to identify discrete mental health disorders.

www.sciencedaily.com

 

[whywere]

In a nutshell, a HUGE YES, you can recover.

1) Taking me as an example, I am 66, reference point, and I have all my life kept folks at arm's length because of how I was treated growing up. you are a VERY thoughtful and kind person, as is shown in your post.

2) You enjoy gaming, correct? well, I do not partake in gaming but if I am correct one plays with others, so there is a connection with other persons. Also, you are a very smart soul as building pc's takes mental vision to achieve a great build on a new machine.

3) I truly believe in the moto: there is always a beautiful sunrise, and also never say never. You are 35 and you have so many decades in front of you. I did not even get married till in my late thirties.

4) AS far as the suicide thoughts aspect, I have had them all my life and I have talked to so many people from also every corner of the globe and have found that so, so many have had a bad experience with a position, a boy/girlfriend and so many other dilemmas in life that in my point of view does not necessarily mean menatl health issues at all.

5) Give yourself a break as far as you are a caring, loving and a very thoughtful person and you know what? There is someone out there for you, I had my first date was when I was 25 and also with all of your skills you will be hands down awesome.

Sending you lots of caring, well wishes, sunny blue skies and the knowledge that you are a wonderful spirit.

Walter

 

[Zegers]

Wanting to be alone doesn't mean you're a sick man, just that you're introvert. you like to work out and buy clothes so you seem quite dynamic (I've been avoiding clothes shopping for years, i have no motivation) On the other hand, reading the peaceful pill ppeh i came to realize that having a exit assembled is needful, whether you think about ctb or not. I went to a psyc, it didn't help me much, i find it like talking to a friend, try it if you want. Also, 35, if you're healthy, is a good time, not that young but not old.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Do you believe you are deserving of happiness?

If not, why not?

From my perspective, I've been depressed for so long that it has become a part of my identity.

It was difficult to embrace happy times because it felt foreign to me.

And when I was with people, I was anxious to get alone again because I needed to recharge.

There is also the fact that self-isolating is something I do which stems from a lonely childhood.

Can you relate to any of that?

I think that if you want a relationship, then pursue it.

Perhaps try to find someone who matches your needs, where you can self-isolate when you need to.

It doesn't mean you can't be happy, or have happy moments and enjoy them.

 

[sufferingextremely]

I always thought asking for help was weak. I barely ever asked for help in my entire life, and this is how I ended up. I have actual proof now that I am not mentally sane and that I have one or more mental illnesses going on. Even though I am anonymous I am struggling so much to ask for help but here it goes.

Please do not respond if you don't care about a random Internet stranger. But if you feel about it, try to look at my past posting history and at what I say here and give me some kind of help.

Anyway, I am 35 years old. I have very intrusive suicidal thoughts. I failed at having a relationship because I am mentally ill, or so I think. Even when I felt happy, I wanted it to stop, and I secretly wished to be alone. This is why I think I am mentally ill, I've felt her love, I've felt love for the beautiful places I went with her. I almost cried for happiness. Yet I could not accept it, I always thought I would rather be alone.

Is this sign of mental illness?

Also, I have no friends, and I am avoidant as fuck. I don't like socializing, so I guess my best bet is to live alone and try to enjoy it as much as I can. I have several nerdy hobbies like gaming, programming, building gaming pcs, and stuff like that. I also enjoy working out and shopping for clothes.

Do you think that if another relationship is not possible, could it be possible to enjoy the incel life alone? Even by taking antidepressants and other meds, that could be preferable to killing myself. I have everything ready and planned for my exit strategy, it will happen in January when I will reach peak loneliness.

What scares me the most is being alone in my 40s. If at 40 or near 40 I'm still alive, I'll either have accepted the lonely incel life, or I'll be in another relationship. As of right now, I don't see that happening, I also don't think I'll be able to be in a relationship if being close to another person and feeling happiness is repulsive to me. It's as if I am addicted to being depressed, even though I hate this feeling, it makes me unable to do anything and sometimes it makes me physically ill. I guess I'm terrified of getting old, maybe this is a symptom of some kind of mental illness too, but I am utterly ashamed of my age and how low I've sunk.

I'm really at my wits end here, my choice is between overcoming SI and killing myself or overcoming my aversion to asking for help and my distrust of therapists and ask for help there. There is no way I can do this alone, it will only be a repeat of my mistakes that I've made so far.

To conclude this wall of text, I'd appreciate advice for people who are at my age or older, and from people who actually sucked it up and asked for professional help. Even if it did not help you, even if it made you suicidal, or if you think that it's over I'd like to see it. I am not easy to influence so you can tell me how you think it is, with no filters.

I am older than you. I'm in my 40s. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness and there is plenty of hope for you. I have used medication, psychotherapy, and self-study very successfully, to overcome many issues. We can't know everything in life, so it is smart to capitalize on the knowledge of others. It takes typically 10 to 12 years to get a doctorate in psychology, and then a psychologist will accumulate years and then decades of experience helping people. That is a lot of knowledge. Find a good one and it will be well worth it.

Another relationship is possible and if you don't find another one there is still plenty of happiness to be found in solitude. Your hobbies and interests can be a source of joy and also provide another opportunity to meet someone. There are girls into programming, etc. I would take up reading nonfiction books, particularly self-development books. You've got the raw material for a good life. As for being avoidant, we've all got issues of some type. Just about anything can be overcome.