Venting Can feel it coming... alone

[Brokenanddeadinside]

I wish you good luck and hope you find the peace you deserve and I've enjoyed when we have talked.

 

[SamK]

<3 <3 <3 I know you want this, but i'm so relieved you're not going today.

 

[StarDust]

I am pretty sure this is my last week of life. Please don't shame me or think I'm some drama queen if not. I already hate that I took this long....and I have been ready for months but I know I will be nervous that last day, for a myriad of reasons.

Today I checked one last thing that could have potentially affected my family financially and learned they would not be responsible for my student loan or medical debt. Relieved to know that since I'm already such a gigantic burden on them as is.

I don't know how to describe how it feels. Restlessness, relief it will all be over soon. Knowing I have nothing left to give anyone but also tempted to talk to someone on my last day. Would you guys be there for me the day of? It's hard. Don't want to put extra pressure on myself but also don't want to spend that last day entirely alone. Seems wrong somehow.

Really glad I have some benzos to calm my nerves before I do it.

You know I will be there. You have been an amazing and kind friend to us all and you will be missed.

You are more dear than you realise.

 

[Morning Angel]

Another update. I'm sitting in a Starbucks on my phone, about 2 hours into an 8 hour drive to my final area. I'm still not totally sure whether I should leave this world in nature or in a hotel bed. Seems there are trade offs with both logistically, but I will probably stop by a camping store tomorrow to browse some options for a tent and bag, etc. I hate the idea of being an inconvenience to anyone because of my death, but maybe that's unavoidable.

Considering how ill/debilitated I am now, everything is 10x the work now. And I'm concerned about the level of cell phone reception I'd have out in nature, and would require a wireless charger. There's all kinds of small things you don't think about until the time comes.

Guess I'll have a ciggie and get back on the road now.

 

[Morning Angel]

A great song I've had on repeat while driving

 

[ctoan]

godspeed fam

 

[nzdarkshark]

Will miss you friend - hope your exit is painless <3

 

[Morning Angel]

This isn't quite a goodbye yet; I will probably post once more before it's time. So no need to tell me goodbye yet although I appreciate the well wishes.

 

[Midnight]

It will be sad to no longer have you arround on the forum but i wish you all the best in whatever path you choose. Take care angel.

 

[Morning Angel]

Last update on this thread. I made the last leg of my trip today and am staying in the last place with a roof over my head and a warm bed. Tomorrow I pick up supplies at a nearby sporting goods store.

I will be exiting in a nearby forest and unfortunately will have no access to power or cell towers/reception. This means I will not be able to be on SS or even stream music on my last day. This is a big disappointment, and also means I will have to schedule my delayed emails well in advance while I have internet connection.

Visiting the parks tomorrow just to be amongst nature and think through the dumpster fire of the last year of my life one more time. I feel badly that I can't make this any easier on my family, who already resent me so much for getting ill in the first place. When you're ill/disabled, you can't work, be independent, or even take care of yourself... this, you are an unwanted burden, whether you're taken care of or not. In the eyes of society, even more so.

It's not fun or nice to hear but it's true.

 

[Morning Angel]

Another update. Sorry if this is boring/annoying. I'm done traveling and it was exhausting. I have selected a nearby woods area as my location. Tomorrow I'm going to be purchasing some supplies.

One thing I'm a bit pissed at myself for— that I didn't order a cordless/wireless charger for my phone so I could listen to music and keep battery life of my phone. I called Best Buy and the sporting goods store here and they said it's not available but it is available on Amazon. Trouble is I don't have anywhere to receive mail anymore since I left my last location.

Grr, wish I'd thought of this sooner. I don't like the idea of sitting and staring into space for 10 hours in the forest with no music. I mean it's going to be hard enough without being able to be on SS or chatting with some friends. Oh. And socks. Must get some warm socks. I can get those at least.

 

[Morning Angel]

It will be sad to no longer have you arround on the forum but i wish you all the best in whatever path you choose. Take care angel.

Thanks

 

[Morning Angel]

Last update on my progress before I post my goodbye. I know several people are leaving today so this may be even more boring/annoying, or simply get lost in the shuffle.

I traveled for 3 days to get to my final destination and did a lot of thinking on the way. I took some heavy security measures to obscure my tracks.... It was hard getting here because I'm so ill. Even a run to the shop for something takes a lot out of me and I have to lie down the rest of the day. Tomorrow I purchase my last goods.

The forestry in this area is truly stunning... stunning greenery, water, skies. I spent 1/10 of the cost of Dignitas but lucked out with a beautiful location and a peaceful method. As far as circumstances go, my exit couldn't be better honestly.

I will have no reception in the forest, so I will have to schedule my letters and post my goodbye the day before I head into the woods. Thanks again for all the support, everyone. I appreciate it so much.

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

Is it just me, or is there something different going on here; something really special; a powerful undercurrent... And I think it's synonymous of yourself, like a warm light that everyone has been touched by.

Yes there is no need to get attached around here, and a lot don't, but it's clear some couldn't resist, even if they had tried. I'm not going to shower you with any more words of appreciation, I think everyone else has most of it covered. And maybe in a way, it's not helpful or what you are looking for, but I hope you can take a moment near the end, and think about these positives however insignificant they are in the bigger picture. And feel a little bit of love for yourself, give yourself a break and free yourself from all of the negative and the physical.

The greenery in your attachment looks relaxing. I like the way you are going out. If I don't hang, it's exactly the way I will go.

It's easy to miss someone posting their 'goodbye', especially when there are a number of buses running. On top of that, you posted this in the off topic section. I don't know what to make of that, it just seems selfless. Well, I'm glad I saw a hint in the shoutbox, otherwise I may have missed my chance to say goodbye, not that it would have mattered. But here I am.

Although it hurts, it is so beautiful. It wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't beautiful, and for me this is the most tragic and yet wonderful thing, the pinnacle of perception. The human condition; it's the most painful and utterly magnificent work of art, for things to be so precious. It's god like.

Sorry for the long ramble.

I hope that you will be at peace in your last moments, and forever.. Farewell, Morning Angel.

 

[Sayo]

I agree with DeathBecomesMe. You are a palpably lovely person, Morning Angel, and your words are worthwhile too.

I'm glad you have done things in a way that allows for reflection and to be surrounded by nature; I know it's partly because you're unwell and can't do a lot at once, but at least you can perceive some of that precious rest. I hope you feel at peace with things, and that your playlist soothes you completely.

<3

 

[Morning Angel]

Is it just me, or is there something different going on here; something really special; a powerful undercurrent... And I think it's synonymous of yourself, like a warm light that everyone has been touched by......

Sorry for the long ramble.

I hope that you will be at peace in your last moments, and forever.. Farewell, Morning Angel.

Thank you, friend. It is a special place and I actually dreamed of seeing these parks before when I was too busy being an able bodied, working person to get here... it is kind of oddly appropriate that I ended up here. I wish I could share the views here with you all, they are more beautiful than words could do justice with. A lot of the physical and mental torture melted away a bit when I watched the fog settle on the tree-filled mountains today.

Thank you for the kind words, although like everyone else here, I am also just another imperfect human. Someone told me recently that I am a "selfless" person. In this world, that is not a trait that's conducive to success or survival; they agreed. I appreciated their honesty...

Before my life fell apart, I was in the helping profession and enjoyed the arts. I wish I had the capacity to do the things I used to before illness took my future away... but after months of failed treatment, inaccessible treatment, unhelpful doctors, social abandonment and being a vagrant, I can honestly say I fought valiantly and need to now stop. It would be cruel and unsustainable to continue on in this state. I took way more than I could handle.

I miss you all already. I know this type of talk is frowned upon here, but I hope people here explore all their options here before they decide to fold their hand. I know I did. After all, it's your life and only as important as you make it.

P.S. I will post my goodbye in the main forum the day before. Guess I didn't think these updates would be relevant enough on the main forum since I don't really have any methods questions.

 

[Morning Angel]

I agree with DeathBecomesMe. You are a palpably lovely person, Morning Angel, and your words are worthwhile too.

I'm glad you have done things in a way that allows for reflection and to be surrounded by nature; I know it's partly because you're unwell and can't do a lot at once, but at least you can perceive some of that precious rest. I hope you feel at peace with things, and that your playlist soothes you completely.

<3

Thanks, Sayo :) I really appreciate the thoughtfulness and quality of your posts too. I am definitely unwell and am hoping pitching a tent won't be too hard on me, as I cannot always walk/move properly now. I am definitely going to be calm, and have a few benzos to "force" me to be calm, if it comes to that. I can't wait to look up at the night sky and see all those stars.

 

[onewayroad]

Thank you, friend. It is a special place and I actually dreamed of seeing these parks before when I was too busy being an able bodied, working person to get here... it is kind of oddly appropriate that I ended up here. I wish I could share the views here with you all, they are more beautiful than words could do justice with. A lot of the physical and mental torture melted away a bit when I watched the fog settle on the tree-filled mountains today.

Thank you for the kind words, although like everyone else here, I am also just another imperfect human. Someone told me recently that I am a "selfless" person. In this world, that is not a trait that's conducive to success or survival; they agreed. I appreciated their honesty...

Before my life fell apart, I was in the helping profession and enjoyed the arts. I wish I had the capacity to do the things I used to before illness took my future away... but after months of failed treatment, inaccessible treatment, unhelpful doctors, social abandonment and being a vagrant, I can honestly say I fought valiantly and need to now stop. It would be cruel and unsustainable to continue on in this state. I took way more than I could handle.

I miss you all already. I know this type of talk is frowned upon here, but I hope people here explore all their options here before they decide to fold their hand. I know I did. After all, it's your life and only as important as you make it.

P.S. I will post my goodbye in the main forum the day before. Guess I didn't think these updates would be relevant enough on the main forum since I don't really have any methods questions.

I too decided that I must try every treatment I can before I go, I must be incurable for suicide to be my cure. It doesn't apply to everyone but I think in most cases it is better to try and get well. I still have a few treatment options left so I am not ready to go yet. I am glad you are in a place that's peaceful and beautiful. I hope you are at peace if these turn out to be your final days.

 

[Sayo]

Thanks, Sanyo :) I really appreciate the thoughtfulness and quality of your posts too. I am definitely unwell and am hoping pitching a tent won't be too hard on me, as I cannot always walk/move properly now. I am definitely going to be calm, and have a few benzos to "force" me to be calm, if it comes to that. I can't wait to look up at the night sky and see all those stars.

Thank you so much.

I pray that the stars are very bright for you, away from all the light pollution it should be good. There is nothing better to remind us that we have a place outside our lives than nature and the stars, where the universe's history reaches us in its beautiful multitudes. I'm glad you'll have benzos with you just in case. Good luck pitching the tent, and I'll hope for some strength for you too. You are very brave and have fought hard for yourself, including to get where you are.

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

Morning Angel..

I wish things could have been better for you.. another person failed by the system. May you feel the peace you deserve. Thanks for your unconditional kindness and your presence of this site..

Love always

RottingFlowerBrains