reachingtheend
enter the void
- Oct 28, 2021
- 12
"I'll be in the graveyard if you need me."
Thanks, Joe.
So, last 24 hours before my last bus appears. I'm 23 in a month and I feel so empty. I'm happy outside and crying inside. Acting like a stand-up comedian. Saying nothing about how sad I really am. This is my goodbye thread - I won't leave any letters for my family. I just need to vent it out of me. I'll only let my e-friend know I won't be online anymore.
If you ctb overnight without saying a word to your family (goodbye letter), then they won't blame themselves for anything or keep thinking about our last words.
They will be able to explain my death in their own way (even though it may be wrong), and thus come to terms with mine death and forget about it sooner, so they'll be able to live their lives again.
Long story short, I'm thinking about ctb every day since 2015. I was a victim of domestic violence - until my 10 or 11 birthday I was beaten nearly every day. Even though I was always smiling and trying to act like I'm doing fine and I'm happy. Even that I was never a top popular kid, I've had some good friends, but I had no girlfriend for the entire life. I was dating my crush in the middle-school for 1 or 2 months, but she said that she's not ready for a relationship. The next day my best-friend texted me that she's kissing my other best-friend in school. Later that day, he asked me if I'm okay with it. Of course fucking no, I wasn't okay with it. But I said yes, it's all good man, we are not in a relationship. It was also my last attempt to get into a relationship. After that I always felt like I'm alone, even though I was hanging out almost every day with my friends.
I've made so many mistakes in my life. Every of those mistakes made me hate myself and my life even more.
Even when I was working full time, I was all the time thinking about ctb - how, when, where, etc.
I dropped out of highschool twice (both times after first year). Then I had to close my business during COVID because I had no money to pay taxes, insurance, etc.
That was pretty much my last job - early 2020. After that I had only few months of full time for the minimum wage. I felt like shit after working hard physical work in the factory. Sometimes I had to work even 12 hours a day instead of 8. Of course I was paid only for 8. At some point they even wanted to pay us only 50% of the salary, because of our government said that it's legal during COVID. LOL. After that I just gave my notice and I've told my parent that they kicked me because of job cuts in the factory. After that, during the lockdown, I decided to go full-time music production - I have no sales for almost a year now, from January to November (I've also spent my last money on ads). That's where I've lost my last hope.
Also, since 2019, I just sit in my room all day and I try to avoid communication with anybody. I was always to help anyone, but I've received no help back. Now I fully isolate myself in fear of offending anyone, talking only with my e-friends that I met online playing games. I'm just making music, playing games and watching movies.
I'm going with stat dose process.
I'll ctb in my car, listening to my favourite music using the SN method by Stan.
(SN+painkiller+antacid, no antiemetic, betablockers, etc.)
12:00 - light yoghurt, water if needed,
18:00 - light yoghurt, after that only water (if needed),
22:00 - travel with my car to the forest, also no water from now,
23:00 - painkiller (Paracetamol 1000mg),
23:30 - antacid (Alugastrin 30ml - double recommended dose),
23:45 - preparing two cups of SN (25g in max 50ml of water),
23:50 - remove my finger-print from iPhone, change the passcode to something random and start my "special ctb playlist", send all my games accounts to my e-friend,
24:00 - drink first SN cup,
00:15 - drink second SN cup (if needed, after vomiting),
00:30 - hopefully I'll find peace at this point.
Also, I'm obsessed with chewing mint gum all the time, so I'll also use it before and after drinking SN to kill the aftertaste.
I'll also print "don't call 999" and "persons to be informed" when I wake up (From "Five Last Acts" (2015), page 775) and get it into my backpack.
I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors, I'm not a native speaker.
Mods, please, cross my name out if I don't come back online by the end of November 2021.
"Will drink them till the job is done - no coming back, no failure."
~Stan 2019. Rest in peace, buddy.
Thanks, Joe.
So, last 24 hours before my last bus appears. I'm 23 in a month and I feel so empty. I'm happy outside and crying inside. Acting like a stand-up comedian. Saying nothing about how sad I really am. This is my goodbye thread - I won't leave any letters for my family. I just need to vent it out of me. I'll only let my e-friend know I won't be online anymore.
If you ctb overnight without saying a word to your family (goodbye letter), then they won't blame themselves for anything or keep thinking about our last words.
They will be able to explain my death in their own way (even though it may be wrong), and thus come to terms with mine death and forget about it sooner, so they'll be able to live their lives again.
Long story short, I'm thinking about ctb every day since 2015. I was a victim of domestic violence - until my 10 or 11 birthday I was beaten nearly every day. Even though I was always smiling and trying to act like I'm doing fine and I'm happy. Even that I was never a top popular kid, I've had some good friends, but I had no girlfriend for the entire life. I was dating my crush in the middle-school for 1 or 2 months, but she said that she's not ready for a relationship. The next day my best-friend texted me that she's kissing my other best-friend in school. Later that day, he asked me if I'm okay with it. Of course fucking no, I wasn't okay with it. But I said yes, it's all good man, we are not in a relationship. It was also my last attempt to get into a relationship. After that I always felt like I'm alone, even though I was hanging out almost every day with my friends.
I've made so many mistakes in my life. Every of those mistakes made me hate myself and my life even more.
Even when I was working full time, I was all the time thinking about ctb - how, when, where, etc.
I dropped out of highschool twice (both times after first year). Then I had to close my business during COVID because I had no money to pay taxes, insurance, etc.
That was pretty much my last job - early 2020. After that I had only few months of full time for the minimum wage. I felt like shit after working hard physical work in the factory. Sometimes I had to work even 12 hours a day instead of 8. Of course I was paid only for 8. At some point they even wanted to pay us only 50% of the salary, because of our government said that it's legal during COVID. LOL. After that I just gave my notice and I've told my parent that they kicked me because of job cuts in the factory. After that, during the lockdown, I decided to go full-time music production - I have no sales for almost a year now, from January to November (I've also spent my last money on ads). That's where I've lost my last hope.
Also, since 2019, I just sit in my room all day and I try to avoid communication with anybody. I was always to help anyone, but I've received no help back. Now I fully isolate myself in fear of offending anyone, talking only with my e-friends that I met online playing games. I'm just making music, playing games and watching movies.
I'm going with stat dose process.
I'll ctb in my car, listening to my favourite music using the SN method by Stan.
(SN+painkiller+antacid, no antiemetic, betablockers, etc.)
12:00 - light yoghurt, water if needed,
18:00 - light yoghurt, after that only water (if needed),
22:00 - travel with my car to the forest, also no water from now,
23:00 - painkiller (Paracetamol 1000mg),
23:30 - antacid (Alugastrin 30ml - double recommended dose),
23:45 - preparing two cups of SN (25g in max 50ml of water),
23:50 - remove my finger-print from iPhone, change the passcode to something random and start my "special ctb playlist", send all my games accounts to my e-friend,
24:00 - drink first SN cup,
00:15 - drink second SN cup (if needed, after vomiting),
00:30 - hopefully I'll find peace at this point.
Also, I'm obsessed with chewing mint gum all the time, so I'll also use it before and after drinking SN to kill the aftertaste.
I'll also print "don't call 999" and "persons to be informed" when I wake up (From "Five Last Acts" (2015), page 775) and get it into my backpack.
I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors, I'm not a native speaker.
Mods, please, cross my name out if I don't come back online by the end of November 2021.
"Will drink them till the job is done - no coming back, no failure."
~Stan 2019. Rest in peace, buddy.
