212ghost
soon, my friend
- Nov 28, 2024
- 1
I am new here! I am also faking it until the bus comes.
That's one of the hardest things for me; faking it. Takes so much out of you. I knew in 2017 I wanted to go, but no idea on how, when, where none of that. I was just mentally looking forward to it. There's times where I dead cross the street without looking just for the hopes of a semi rolling thru at the right moment.
Scrolling on this site has magical powers. The grounding-calming feeling that washes over me while I read is so comforting.
In my list of life accomplishments I've done everything I've wanted to do really.
There's nothing else that jumps out at me like "oooh I want to do that!" Nope. Nada. Nothing.
I just wake up and mosey thru the day like I'm in a lazy river. No real drive. No real accomplishments.
I've taken random pills, cut myself a few times, closed my eyes while driving, just dumb 18yo stuff.
I barely take care of myself. Rarely brush my teeth, shower like once a week. Wtf is laundry. I eat like shit(or not eat at all for days) And I'll literally have a cup of water every 3 days. It's been like this since I was a kid.
The thing is, I don't feel any different then when I do take care of my body. In my brain I feel the same so it doesn't matter.
I cut off all of my family members; I still don't know the exact reason why. It's been over 2 years have not said a word to them. Maybe it'll be easier for when I pass. Don't know.
I do have a gf and she's amazing but she's gonna kick me out the house eventually because I fell into this pit, lost everything and struggling to climb out.
The amount of jobs I apply to is ridiculous and not a peep from anyone. The only reason I'm looking for a job is to get money and buy what I need for my method.
Coming on to this site brings me peace, a euphoric feeling. Giving me something to strive for.
It sucks that the wake up call I have is for me to take a forever nap, but I long for it.
That's one of the hardest things for me; faking it. Takes so much out of you. I knew in 2017 I wanted to go, but no idea on how, when, where none of that. I was just mentally looking forward to it. There's times where I dead cross the street without looking just for the hopes of a semi rolling thru at the right moment.
Scrolling on this site has magical powers. The grounding-calming feeling that washes over me while I read is so comforting.
In my list of life accomplishments I've done everything I've wanted to do really.
There's nothing else that jumps out at me like "oooh I want to do that!" Nope. Nada. Nothing.
I just wake up and mosey thru the day like I'm in a lazy river. No real drive. No real accomplishments.
I've taken random pills, cut myself a few times, closed my eyes while driving, just dumb 18yo stuff.
I barely take care of myself. Rarely brush my teeth, shower like once a week. Wtf is laundry. I eat like shit(or not eat at all for days) And I'll literally have a cup of water every 3 days. It's been like this since I was a kid.
The thing is, I don't feel any different then when I do take care of my body. In my brain I feel the same so it doesn't matter.
I cut off all of my family members; I still don't know the exact reason why. It's been over 2 years have not said a word to them. Maybe it'll be easier for when I pass. Don't know.
I do have a gf and she's amazing but she's gonna kick me out the house eventually because I fell into this pit, lost everything and struggling to climb out.
The amount of jobs I apply to is ridiculous and not a peep from anyone. The only reason I'm looking for a job is to get money and buy what I need for my method.
Coming on to this site brings me peace, a euphoric feeling. Giving me something to strive for.
It sucks that the wake up call I have is for me to take a forever nap, but I long for it.
