Despite being anxious and having disgustingly hard days, I am calm and feel relief regarding death. Knowing I will soon have all of this over with is a relief to me.
I know from here up until the day of my suicide I'll have some very emotional days, but for death itself? I don't have much fear and that's how I know my time to die is going to be just right. Most of my emotions are nonexistent, other than the occasional crying episodes where I'm on the floor screaming.
I don't even think I could make it through the days if I didn't have people kind enough to slide me some muscle relaxers and ambien. Strong medications like that sedate me to a point of numb and it makes getting through my days easier. Oh how I wish I could be prescribed those pills… those pills have helped make everything more bearable so I see why so many people like strong shit like that. It completely numbs you and puts you in a sleepy state where you don't have to face the horror of life.
I'm not fearful of dying at all now. I just hate having to play the waiting game but I think the wait is worth it if I can obtain Nembutal and die in a pretty peaceful manner. SN is my backup, but N is my first choice and I really just hope D can come through on having a supply.
I despise how hard N has become to access and I hate that stupid pro life people and LE want to make sure the most peaceful options are gatekept and restricted. It's kind of sick when you think about it… they want to ban shit like that but don't ban guns, trains, knifes, pills, etc. all the more painful ways to die are just allowed to exist… it's like they want us to die painfully and that's what puts a sour taste in my mouth
I know from here up until the day of my suicide I'll have some very emotional days, but for death itself? I don't have much fear and that's how I know my time to die is going to be just right. Most of my emotions are nonexistent, other than the occasional crying episodes where I'm on the floor screaming.
I don't even think I could make it through the days if I didn't have people kind enough to slide me some muscle relaxers and ambien. Strong medications like that sedate me to a point of numb and it makes getting through my days easier. Oh how I wish I could be prescribed those pills… those pills have helped make everything more bearable so I see why so many people like strong shit like that. It completely numbs you and puts you in a sleepy state where you don't have to face the horror of life.
I'm not fearful of dying at all now. I just hate having to play the waiting game but I think the wait is worth it if I can obtain Nembutal and die in a pretty peaceful manner. SN is my backup, but N is my first choice and I really just hope D can come through on having a supply.
I despise how hard N has become to access and I hate that stupid pro life people and LE want to make sure the most peaceful options are gatekept and restricted. It's kind of sick when you think about it… they want to ban shit like that but don't ban guns, trains, knifes, pills, etc. all the more painful ways to die are just allowed to exist… it's like they want us to die painfully and that's what puts a sour taste in my mouth
