Venting called crazy for being depressed/suicidal

[aerilana]

opened up about how suicidal i am to my mom and she told my aunt and and now my aunt is lecturing me about it and called me crazy... she blamed it on me not going out when i literally have no will and energy to do anything even going out and she called me crazy and got angry at me for crying

i shouldn't have opened up about it i should've just killed myself and let them deal with the aftermath of what i did i regret opening up about it so much i should've just hanged myself since i cant get sn yet

i told my mom about it because I'm so tired of how anxious i get everyday and how my brain keeps telling me to just kill myself i was hoping I'll get a little bit of understanding since i told my mom i just want to be with my dead father and not live anymore and the first thing she did is told other people about it ig im too stupid to hope for that im so stupid i know they won't understand

i wish my papa is here he would've understood me god is so cruel for taking him from me and i wouldn't even be this unstable if he's here I've lived five years of my life suffering and carrying all these grief i just dont want to be here anymore

i just want someone to be sensitive to my suffering i just want help

i am so sorry if this isn't easy to understand i am crying while typing this and i cannot breathe
i might kill myself before my planned date idk how to deal with it i wish i can kill myself today