Thank you all, once again.
May I ask a little about your background and what led you to wanting to CTB?
Of course, no problem! My background is not necessarily why I chose to CTB, although it does, obviously, influence it, to a degree, in terms of how that made me be as a person.
I am a trans man, so I was AFAB (assigned female at birth). My father used to be my mother's client (she worked as a hooker back then), and eventually they started dating, but the pregnancy was not expected, much less desired. My mother discovered a little too late that she was pregnant and could no longer legally abort, so that is how I came to be.
My father used to be a drug addict, my mother is pretty much blatantly cucku crazy since I remember. She later on got diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, amongst other things, that helps others to understand better her behavior (don't mistake with justify or excuse - she never accepted that she needed help, neither looked out for it).
My father left home when I was 4 years old, but I do have some memories of that time, such was the traumatic experience... My mother used to call the cops on him after slicing her own arms and putting the blame on him. She managed to get a restraining order against him, which is one of the reasons why I never saw him again, until I was 16 years old.
I suffered physical (brutal, extreme) and psychological abuses from my mother since I can remember. It got to a point I thought of killing her to stop it at last. I never hated myself, however, I started to SH when I was 12 years old. Almost nobody knows it until today (doctors certainly don't) but I used to self harm to contain my anger and hatred, to control myself in not hurting others when I felt extremely enraged because of her abuses.
At 15 years old I managed to call social services on her with enough proofs, a bit of cunning and luck. I went to live in a children protection house, thinking to myself, that it was all over...
But it wasn't.
The children protection house was amazing, of course, not perfect, I had schedules for everything, was told what to eat, when to shower, when to sleep, when to be at home, etc. Now, I was already used to being independent, since my mother refused to take care of me, I started working when I was 12 years old, I was the one taking care of school applications every year, cooking my food, everything you can imagine an adult does as a normal survival routine.
The feelings didn't stop. I still felt a huge hatred and anger inside of me, combined - now - with the new desperation of understanding that those feelings were not gone, even though she was, and I was safe. I tried to CTB back then by slicing my wrist and thigh open - but was caught - by a kid living in the same house, immediately taken to the hospital and saved. I met my father at 16 years old, he tried to act like he owned me, we fought because of it, eventually talked it out, but I do not maintain a close relationship with him at all.
At 18 years old, after many, many things, therapy, medication, etc, I graduated highschool, and went living with friends I knew since I was a kid, and that somehow also helped me get the chance to be taken away by social services. I started college, psychology, after working as a firefighter between my 16 and 18 years old. The friends I was living with back then, were basically my school best friends, including their mother who had a very central role in my salvation from my mother.
But then... She started acting like my mother! I started seeing the same symptoms my mother had, and then she started to try to control me all the time, asking for more money, etc, until one day she raised her fist towards me. But she was not my mother, neither was I still that little scared, despaired, anger fueled kid anymore. She didn't dare touch me after I told her this, exactly. Then I decided it was time to leave.
I started living by myself in a rented room (was doing college + working for the bills, housing is expensive), and things went very, very, very wrong.
Insomnia hit me, the medication I was taking wasn't helping anymore, and trust me when I say that any mind of anti psychotics, benzodiazepines, anxiety pills, anti depressants, etc, that you might know about? I was taking them all, switching and increasing dosage, I was taking, at total, 25 pills a day, from breakfast to before bed.
I was left awake for 5 days. No working, no college, I just gave up, was a living zombie, couldn't even get out of bed. Hallucinations took place, I don't remember those days very well, aside from what friends of mine told me about, when they called me concerned I wasn't saying anything, neither showing up. It was terrible, but I rather leave those details aside.
I tried to OD on my trazodone somewhere around this time. Was saved, since I threw up a lot, then friends that cross paths with me noticed something was up and called an ambulance. Psychward, fucking nuts, one doctor says "such a youngest, what a pity, your mother should have slapped you more for you to not do this kind of thing", among other terrible things...
I took his ear with my teeth, he tried to bind me, handcuff me to the bed and put a straight jacket with no success... I left the psych ward cause, by the law in my country, I was 18 years, they have no real reason to let me go cause, even though I tried to CTB, I was still perfectly aware and functional, they can't hold me.
After this I met the most amazing people, was doing therapy with a very good doctor, I started managing to hold a job, not exploding in anger every 2 minutes and actually enjoy life, little things, friends, my own accomplishments with the money I was earning, etc.
But this was only possible because, during therapy, my doctor told me the cruelest truth that I needed: I am nobody, no one, I am not important, just another human on planet Earth, and society doesn't give a fuck about me. Because I expressed myself differently than people with my clothing style, my gender identity, my sexuality, my ways of being and thinking, I was meant to never accomplish nothing, and I couldn't fight the wave of the society's etiquette and rules and morals. So I better understand that I am not changing the world, and I better learn how to protrct my identity and myself from people, be aware of who to trust, who to allow to see the real me, while living the rest of the time repressing everything I felt towards societies shitty rules of morals, and everything else I think and I am myself.
And so I did and life is fucking great when you shut down everything you feel and become a sort of pseudo-sociopath! Nothing is a problem, nothing angers you, nothing leaves you feeling frustrated. And that was great, because those were the only emotions I ever felt.
But. I can't fool my brain. I knew it was a lie and, sooner or later, my personality, who I am, would come out again, not accepting to live like that, never accepting to be someone who I am not. And so it was, I went into introspection. And that introspection concluded that I am best to go right now. Because I always promised myself that I would not let my life end in anyone's or anything's hands but my own, so that was a given. And now... Now my life is great, and I can feel it will not be great in a short time period because I am, once again, starting to feel the rage erupting, and I am already starting to sabotage myself during work and with relationships. So it's best to leave while it is this good, I have no regrets, I don't want see the future or learn about the new cool things. I feel fine with what I have right now, and I won't be able to handle watching myself destroying everything I built during so many years already. My reason to CTB is... The two sides of myself in a war, the one who built this that I cherish, and the one who needs to destroy everything because he can't stand people no more. And I, I made my choice about which side I stand at.
