My current depression isn't my first. I've gone through many before. But I feel like at this point I'm way more drained.
During earlier depressions I'd almost always eventually have at least one or two "bursts of strength." And what I mean with that is I'd spend a lot of time wallowing in my depression and hopeless, but there would generally come a moment where suddenly (for no clear reason) I was temporarily filled with motivation again and tried to right things. It didn't always work. And usually it didn't last for long, but despite not lasting for long it often did put my life on a better track.
Like during my second depression there was this moment where I had a burst of motivation. After like 2 years of basically doing nothing, I suddenly started a process that would land me back in college again. And that did end up happening.
So I'm used to having those moments in my depressions. Not often, but rarely.
This depression... I haven't had one yet. And I don't expect one. I've experienced one or two times that SHOULD have been bursts of strength but... they just didn't end up being that.
It just contributes to this feeling in me that this depression is different. And that this time I'm too far gone.
I think it's because going through 6 depressions over 14 years has really, really drained me. I got out of each and every one of them and fought my ass off to get through each and every one of them. But I feel like it cost me a little bit of myself every time. And now... I just feel like I don't have the energy left to do again what I've done 5 times before. I feel too...
tired.
During earlier depressions I'd almost always eventually have at least one or two "bursts of strength." And what I mean with that is I'd spend a lot of time wallowing in my depression and hopeless, but there would generally come a moment where suddenly (for no clear reason) I was temporarily filled with motivation again and tried to right things. It didn't always work. And usually it didn't last for long, but despite not lasting for long it often did put my life on a better track.
Like during my second depression there was this moment where I had a burst of motivation. After like 2 years of basically doing nothing, I suddenly started a process that would land me back in college again. And that did end up happening.
So I'm used to having those moments in my depressions. Not often, but rarely.
This depression... I haven't had one yet. And I don't expect one. I've experienced one or two times that SHOULD have been bursts of strength but... they just didn't end up being that.
It just contributes to this feeling in me that this depression is different. And that this time I'm too far gone.
I think it's because going through 6 depressions over 14 years has really, really drained me. I got out of each and every one of them and fought my ass off to get through each and every one of them. But I feel like it cost me a little bit of myself every time. And now... I just feel like I don't have the energy left to do again what I've done 5 times before. I feel too...
tired.
