Venting Burnout, value as a human and loneliness

[foreverfalling]

I've been burnt out at work lately and it's probably been the worst I've ever been. Constant stress, new things to learn and fuck ups. I cried in front of my mum today. My brain is so tired it doesn't work. I don't officially have Autism but Autistic burnout describes my situation. I feel like I want to take a year of doing nothing to repair my brain. The only way I've been coping with work is because I have my parents looking after everything else for me. Like I spend all my spoons on work and have nothing left over. I fear I can't continue much longer.

We can say our jobs don't define us or our value, but in reality it does. If I lose this job then I don't think I'd be able to get something similar. My standard of living will go down. I won't be able to put food on the table. I'll be a useless person. People don't want to associate with useless people. The only way I can comfortably talk to someone is if I pay them. I even thought about messaging my ex this morning, maybe she'd lend me an ear. I don't think so, why would she spend so much effort on me if she doesn't get anything in return? And a guy that's about to lose his job won't be able to give her anything, it's a liability. I've had people talk to me purely because of my job, because they think I earn a lot and I can help them get in.

Whatever I do there will be suffering. I'm suffering from the mental stress of my current job. If I changed jobs to say a physical job then my body will be stressed. If I get an 'easy' job then I'll be financially stressed. If I can't get a job I'll be stressed. My mum doesn't work, but she stresses over making food for us.

It's a lonely battle. I wish I have a method prepared before my money and energy runs out. Because no one else is going to help me otherwise.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I've been burnt out at work lately and it's probably been the worst I've ever been. Constant stress, new things to learn and fuck ups. I cried in front of my mum today. My brain is so tired it doesn't work. I don't officially have Autism but Autistic burnout describes my situation. I feel like I want to take a year of doing nothing to repair my brain. The only way I've been coping with work is because I have my parents looking after everything else for me. Like I spend all my spoons on work and have nothing left over. I fear I can't continue much longer.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I think I was in similar situation in 2018. I had a job as a software developer, but my mental well-being went into tailspin because of extreme job stress. In my case I simply quit because I was totally burned out, go unemployed and returned my parents' home. And 6 months later I attempted CTB'ing several times and went to psych ward.
Fear of complete burnout is terrible I think.

After I was discharged I got a part-time minimum-wage job, and that was the best job available to me. My former job had crippled me, to the point where I'm now legally disabled - I got bipolar II because of the job.
Now I'm surviving thanks to my parents, and my retirement plan is CTB'ing.

Whatever I do there will be suffering. I'm suffering from the mental stress of my current job. If I changed jobs to say a physical job then my body will be stressed. If I get an 'easy' job then I'll be financially stressed. If I can't get a job I'll be stressed. My mum doesn't work, but she stresses over making food for us.

I get an 'easy' job (aforementioned minimum wage job) and still mentally tormented every day. I've been treated less than dirt - my boss called me a "punching bag" because everybody blame me for everything and there's nothing I can do about it. And my family's future is very bleak.
My mum prepare food for us as well, and I'm still struggling. I have to do all-out exercise 3 hours a day, 7 days a week just to release my rage and stay sane. I think we're on the same boat...

It's a lonely battle. I wish I have a method prepared before my money and energy runs out. Because no one else is going to help me otherwise.

That's why I wish there were an accessible assisted suicide scheme for everyone. The situation you're in is extremely cruel I think. I wish I could be a shoulder to cry on, but I don't think it solves anything. I'm so sorry...

We can say our jobs don't define us or our value, but in reality it does. If I lose this job then I don't think I'd be able to get something similar. My standard of living will go down. I won't be able to put food on the table. I'll be a useless person. People don't want to associate with useless people. The only way I can comfortably talk to someone is if I pay them. I even thought about messaging my ex this morning, maybe she'd lend me an ear. I don't think so, why would she spend so much effort on me if she doesn't get anything in return? And a guy that's about to lose his job won't be able to give her anything, it's a liability. I've had people talk to me purely because of my job, because they think I earn a lot and I can help them get in.

This is terrifying, and in my case it's true. When I quit my standard of living went down, but I have to thank I'm not homeless. My boss has told me I'm totally useless more than 100 times, so everybody at work looks down on me. (But I have a role as an emotional punching bag which can withstand daily scapegoating and barrage of derogatory remarks. I'm extremely tough like a steel statue - my boss is trying to crush me but he can't so he's really angry.)

I'm so sorry that people think you're your job - I don't want to live with people like that, but I know if I want to avoid them completely, there's only one option and it's CTB'ing...

 

[foreverfalling]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I think I was in similar situation in 2018. I had a job as a software developer, but my mental well-being went into tailspin because of extreme job stress. In my case I simply quit because I was totally burned out, go unemployed and returned my parents' home. And 6 months later I attempted CTB'ing several times and went to psych ward.
Fear of complete burnout is terrible I think.

That's why I wish there were an accessible assisted suicide scheme for everyone. The situation you're in is extremely cruel I think. I wish I could be a shoulder to cry on, but I don't think it solves anything. I'm so sorry...

Thank you for sharing, I appreciate this small bit of connection. I have the same job you had, we do sound like we're in a similar boat, you being ahead of me.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

That sounds like a tough situation and burnout can ruin your life if you don't relax from all the stress you have. It's not worth it to destroy your own life for the sake of a job - even if you made it to retirement you will be a wreck and have nothing from it then. I'm sorry you have to go through this, you deserve better!

@LoiteringClouds You don't deserve such a disgusting treatment from your boss. You also deserve better!

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Sorry to hear about both of your situations @LoiteringClouds and @foreverfalling. I had something similar happen, I quit my job as a software developer because I no longer had the wherewithal to show up everyday (or even think), and I was going to CTB in the near-term anyway. Fast-forward to now and my CTB attempts all failed so I tried to get a part-time minimum wage job just to stem the bleeding of my savings, but I only lasted a month in that job because it was still too energy-intensive (and the working conditions weren't great, everyone there was miserable). I strongly relate to the feeling of "Whatever I do there will be suffering."