Burdening your friends with the knowledge that you are seriously considering CTB...

[QiTianDaSheng]

So, I'll keep the OP short, but the last 5 months have really hurt. I've been contemplating, planning and researching suicide most days. Not obsessively, but I have certainly been ruminating and beating myself up.

It has gone from casual dark jokes to full on 'I surrender, this is my plan. These are my reasons. It has been 20 years, I'm done with hoping it gets better'.

They are good friends. They know I am nuts, but they also know I am pretty serious.

They have been helpful to talk things through with, to show that its not a sudden fit of pique but a considered response to life/self dissatisfaction and the system we are stuck in. God knows I made it harder through my life decisions, but so be it.

Anyway, I know it really upsets them. I worry that I can be manipulating people with it (help me fix my life, or else!). And I know it will arguably haunt them more if/when I go.
I'm not sure there is a but here...

So, anyone else openly discuss this with friends? Anyone else surprised by how many are thinking the same?

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

I've been able to tell 2 friends of mine but only because I know them very well and trusted they'd not freak out about it and are also aware sending me to a mental hospital won't help. I'd only recommend telling someone if you're 100% certain they have the emotional bearings to handle it and respect you and your wishes the entire time. They should be the type of people who have good emotional self-regulation and you feel comfortable and heard while discussing deep or emotional things.

It's absolutely helpful to talk things through but it is a large ask from most people. I've certainly worried about being abusive or manipulative because to a degree yes, you are asking them to help or you could potentially die. But my friends have assured me that since they do understand, that I'm not burdening them I'm just being completely honest. It's such a taboo topic you can feel guilty even asking people to discuss it at all, but it's really just another thing to discuss with close friends. Yes, it can be dark and stressful but so can talking about politics.

I'm in what I assume to be a rare position, where I have multiple friends willing to calmly discuss my thoughts on CTBing and my reasons for it, and both have basically agreed that my situation is dire and would understand if I chose to go, even though they'd be very sad.

If you are sure you can trust your friends then I'd recommend it, and it's personally helped out my emotions and mental health a lot regardless of which I end up choosing. This way I can choose to live or choose to die in good mental health, confidence and emotional stability included. Being completely honest about my feelings with them has improved my emotions drastically and has helped me make more logical choices. Dumb ideas when said out loud to a friend are much more obviously dumb, and you can joke about them together.

 

[Kodokushi]

Only told my loved one, to which he responded with "I don't think you'll go through with it", haha. If I tell any of my friends it's gotten this bad again, pretty sure they'll force me into a mental institution and I can't really have that right now...

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

Only told my loved one, to which he responded with "I don't think you'll go through with it", haha. If I tell any of my friends it's gotten this bad again, pretty sure they'll force me into a mental institution and I can't really have that right now...

That's unfortunate. Your loved one doesn't seem to take it seriously, and your friends would just force you somewhere you don't want to be.

 

[Young.Werther]

From my experience, it's really hard to predict how people will respond, even if you know them well. This sort of thing tends to not come up so it's hard to have any data. Lots of thoughts on the topic, but I think the most important one is to know why you want to tell your friends (and be honest). If it's to make yourself feel better in the short run, I don't think it's worth it. You don't know how people will respond and (unless you're planning on catching the bus very soon which sounds like no) you'll have to deal with whatever fallout comes your way.

Personally, I've found that people have a strong revealed preference for not being around people who are sad (not even necessarily depressed, just sad). Of course they spout the standard pro-life lines, but as far as I can tell, most people wouldn't really understand what you're going through. Obviously I don't know you or your friends so maybe I'm completely wrong here and your friends might react just how you want.

I also second the piece on emotional manipulation. I think about it like someone drowning. They might not want to hurt someone else and drag anyone down with them, but when they're drowning, they just sort of reach for the nearest thing. Again, just my take though and feel free to take it with a grain of salt.

 

[QiTianDaSheng]

I'm ok, you're ok.

My claiming to want to ctb you are implicitly stating you are not ok, thus giving the hot potato to them to fix.

It's shitty. But it does seem to help somehow. I don't ever lever it, find me a job or else etc... (Although it is tempting) ... But it does allow a little more self involvement in discussions and a bit more effort to call you back etc.

I think the worst fall out will be if/when I pull myself back together. Crisis averted, but like you say... Revealed preferences.

 

[Valky]

This reminds me of one of my friends for some reason. They would always say 'I wanna die' when the smallest inconvenience happened and it annoyed me so much. I know she doesn't wanna die, she knows she doesn't wanna die but yet she throws that sentence around like it means nothing. I gotta admit, we were teenagers back then but still. It still hurt to see how carelessly she threw that sentence around when it had so so much more meaning to me.

 

[QiTianDaSheng]

Irgendwann bin ich zu alt... (Kummer song)

I used to ride bikes fast and do a lot of dangerous things. Had never expected to make 30. Now sat at 36, somehow lost the joy of casual risk taking and feeling old.

At some point it changes to feel like something I need to actively handle. Get busy living or get busy dying.

There is a guy I know, a friend's brother, who threatens ctb regularly to extort his mother. Mostly for vanity cosmetic surgery or loans for weed growing madness... An absolute money pit.

That utterly sickens me.

 

[uniqueusername39]

Only told my loved one, to which he responded with "I don't think you'll go through with it", haha. If I tell any of my friends it's gotten this bad again, pretty sure they'll force me into a mental institution and I can't really have that right now...

I also tell my loved one, but I am the one assuring him that "I don't think I'll ever go through with it though haha". Just that thoughts of desperately wanting to die plague me so often and it feels relieving to say it aloud, I don't know why. Maybe it is because of trying to emotionally manipulate him, like a "help me or else" kind of thing, as mentioned by someone here. And he does help me, by offering to hang out together, where we watch a cartoon show together, watch random mindless youtube vids together until my thoughts subside, play something together, or where he just does his own thing and I do mine. It just feels better to do my stuff while being with him. I do know how to help myself, that i can do these things well enough myself, but some days it is so hard to do on my own. It feels wrong trying to manipulate someone to help me like this, even if everyone everywhere recommends I reach out for help. He assures me it's okay but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty every time i remember hunkering down in desperation for death in front of him or something.

 

[Housefly]

I told my little brother but he has a learning disability so I don't think he understands. I told my therapist but I'm scared she'll put me up. I told an online friend but I feel like they were doing the thing that the suicide hotline does. Talk about it in a way that removes my agency and like I'm begging for attention. "Yea you can hang yourself but you'll be there for like 5 minutes, can you hold your breath for 5 minutes. I can't nearly died haha"

 

[SoftWorries]

I haven't told anyone. I don't want it to burden their thoughts. I want to be able to feel peace and wellness in there presence.

If they knew it would hurt them. They wouldn't be as well and I wouldn't have the relief of being free of my internal world for a bit while getting lost in theirs.

 

[macrocosm]

If you talk about it with friends and family, then you are seeking help.

 

[squirley]

this is an interesting topic and thanks to everyone that posted their experience.
Mine is a little different.
I've cut off what few true friends I've had for about a year plus now. And even my mom for a little while.
Because I did not want to burden them with my failures and choice to ctb. Didn't want people to stress or worry.
Figured if I disappeared everyone would be used to me being gone and when the day finally comes for me. It won't hit as hard.

Just recently I was talking with my mom who i havnt seen in about 4 years. And the txt conversation at first was...everything's fine blah blah.
But I couldn't lie and just let it all out about what was going on. The truth and reality of my situation. And that I am done.
She got very upset, understandably. I'm her son. Love . Etc. Don't give up. Rough life etc.
And it hurt knowing how much I upset her so now when she texts I just lie and say xoxo everything's good.

I have one older buddy and he has been going through life on meds and with his own mental issues. Life issues. Etc. But hes stable. I'd thought I'd ask his opinion.
So he is very understanding. But does not see my reality the same way. And asks me to stop judging my self and to stay.
we have gotten into deep conversations about ctb and my failed attempt, what has lead to this.
and how I refuse to restart my life all over again.and again. Failures.
That I am at ease now. And have accepted my fate and reality. Just a matter of method and time now.

He definitely doesn't seem burdened. But wants me to stay. And I understand that people care. And his willingness to help and listen. But it's hard to explain that i have my mind made up.

 

[QiTianDaSheng]

One thing I would say is that it has led to me committing to a wild 'do or die' idea with a friend I had confided in.

My ctb plan was to rehome my dogs, liquidate my assets and go have a debauched few weeks in Thailand before I go. Fuck it, why not?

I wouldn't have sold my house to avoid burning all paths of retreat, but that was slowly becoming Plan A. My friends all knew this.

Now I am rehoming dogs, liquidating stuff and flying to Thailand... But we will try to start a business together with our pooled money.

Out of desperation came the commitment to try this risky as hell dumb idea. I feel so much better already.

Will be a shame if it blows up and I still ctb, because he will blame himself, but we will see what happens. I think I would just 'go travel' with the last of my money and put some distance in, but still. That bit sucks.

 

[QiTianDaSheng]

From another friend...

"I don't know if it's wise to say this, but here goes:
If you were to off yourself, I would understand and sympathize, and probably even be more than a little envious. But I would miss you."

I suppose it helps to curate a group of nihilists as friends.

 

[cherrysquick]

i'm really conflicted if i should tell my closest friends before i cbt, really wish i could because it would make our last moments together more memorable maybe? but judging from my previous attempts they'd get mad and probably try their hardest to make me stay (even if it would mean calling authorities and putting me in a psych ward forcefully) i wish they understood that it's not their fault and i'm just too tired for all of this :( maybe i'll get the courage to speak about it in the near future but right now i'm keeping it all inside because i know it'll break their hearts

 

[Artictart]

I have told 2 close friends, they're supportive. They don't know the full extent of it though, I feel like a burden whenever I vent or talk about how bad it is, I feel like going into detail would make me seem really dramatic, I don't know if I could put everything into words correctly. I'm also afraid that they would feel obligated to treat me a certain way or something, I don't want my friendship with them to change because of it. It's probably best I keep it all to myself.

 

[musicistheonlything]

From another friend...

"I don't know if it's wise to say this, but here goes:
If you were to off yourself, I would understand and sympathize, and probably even be more than a little envious. But I would miss you."

I suppose it helps to curate a group of nihilists as friends.

I would kill to have friends like that, damn

 

[QiTianDaSheng]

i'm really conflicted if i should tell my closest friends before i cbt, really wish i could because it would make our last moments together more memorable maybe? but judging from my previous attempts they'd get mad and probably try their hardest to make me stay (even if it would mean calling authorities and putting me in a psych ward forcefully) i wish they understood that it's not their fault and i'm just too tired for all of this :( maybe i'll get the courage to speak about it in the near future but right now i'm keeping it all inside because i know it'll break their hearts

I think age matters too.

I'm a grumpy 36 year old with proof of a fucked up life, and varied life experiences already.

Acceptance to ctb is strongly correlated with age. Teenagers/early 20s sound more impulsive and lacking proportion.

Plus America seems nuts for the psych ward stuff. Cant imagine that extra stress.

I would kill to have friends like that, damn

Yeh, he's a nice guy.

He has to stick around for his kid, but he is also less than amused with life.

I met him via doom posting on LinkedIn.

 

[cherrysquick]

I think age matters too.

I'm a grumpy 36 year old with proof of a fucked up life, and varied life experiences already.

Acceptance to ctb is strongly correlated with age. Teenagers/early 20s sound more impulsive and lacking proportion.

oh yeah you're definitely right, all my friends are in the 16-25 age range so it kind of makes sense that they'd think it's something i'm gonna regret, especially the younger ones. didn't even think about it honestly but makes a lot of sense, most people are still figuring out their life at this point. sadly i've been depressed and suicidal for so long that i didn't plan out my future in any way

 

[henry22]

I have not told anyone IRL. Other people are busy. They have their own lives to worry about. Telling them you're suicidal is, in my case, indeed putting a burden on them. They have to deal with so much and now you put this on their plate? Can't do it. That's why I come here.

 

[QiTianDaSheng]

I have not told anyone IRL. Other people are busy. They have their own lives to worry about. Telling them you're suicidal is, in my case, indeed putting a burden on them. They have to deal with so much and now you put this on their plate? Can't do it. That's why I come here.

Yes, this part does suck. It is by definition pretty egotistical.

My friend told me I seemed much more cheerful yesterday. One I had openly confided in. He didn't know I literally had an order for SN pretty much finished waiting on my phone.

The knowledge that the bullshit might be close to over is uplifting.

But he did not need to know that.

 

[BrightAndDark]

So, I'll keep the OP short, but the last 5 months have really hurt. I've been contemplating, planning and researching suicide most days. Not obsessively, but I have certainly been ruminating and beating myself up.

It has gone from casual dark jokes to full on 'I surrender, this is my plan. These are my reasons. It has been 20 years, I'm done with hoping it gets better'.

They are good friends. They know I am nuts, but they also know I am pretty serious.

They have been helpful to talk things through with, to show that its not a sudden fit of pique but a considered response to life/self dissatisfaction and the system we are stuck in. God knows I made it harder through my life decisions, but so be it.

Anyway, I know it really upsets them. I worry that I can be manipulating people with it (help me fix my life, or else!). And I know it will arguably haunt them more if/when I go.
I'm not sure there is a but here...

So, anyone else openly discuss this with friends? Anyone else surprised by how many are thinking the same?

Married 27 years and finally told it all to my hubby in the form of a letter. He was silent. Said he didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Our middle child completed 6 years ago, and my first thought (as I was screaming) was that now I can never do it. I can't abandon my remaining daughter like her sister did to her.