I live with my parents, so despite my own mental issues, I have to pretend as if I am ultimately normal. Even when around 80% of my waking hours, I am not.
My weak, non-responsive brain has led me to live like a living zombie.
The strange part is externally you wouldn't believe it. I used to go to the gym atleast 4-5 times a week for two months. I am not overweight or have any other issues. I actually had started developing noticeable upper body shape and flexibility due to my working out.
But the point is, it feels isolated. Why ? Because I don't work. I am 32 and unemployed by choice. I have had a couple of full time jobs in the past but I quit them because I couldn't take it any more. I just couldn't. I have severe mental issues that all come down to me being like this deep down : I just don't have the sustained desire or strength to function like an adult and assume responsibilities.
At most, I act like a barely functioning adult around 40% of the time. The rest is just a mishmash of withdrawal, internal rage at my own weakness, and schizoid tendencies.
I don't have any diagnosable "mental illness" as per any medical professional. I have seen a few years ago and done tons of reading about mental illness symptoms so I know this.
It's just...who I am at my genuine core as a person. Just a complete weak-brain hollow individual with no strength / desire to withstand the "responsibilities" of life.
To sum up, I am tired of "acting normal". If hanging or jumping from the roof didn't feel so damn painful, I would be long gone by now.
