Discussion Bullying from brother? Was I bullied or am I overreacting

[BornToFail]

Hi, I just wanted to share some experiences about my older brother that I faced. I wonder if I'm overreacting

Background info:

My brother is 3 years older than me, We grew up fairly close together and for a while, I honestly thought we were just alike. We were both quiet, introverted kids. Mostly asocial, not needing any social interaction for most of our childhoods. My brother was an overachiever, studied hard, and worked hard. He felt he had to be the best at everything. He had anxiety issues that would only get worse with age. Our parents were hard on us. The types of parents that would take away electronics and pretty much anything when you well, acted like a kid. Crying for not wanting to do math homework? Your electronics are gone for a year. Backtalking? You're being punished. I never had a good relationship with my mother. I was always being punished for things, mostly school-related or fights with my brother that he would try to provoke. This would lead to me fighting with my mother and then my brother stepping in to tell me not to say certain things to her (this would happen in my later teen years). I was really uncomfortable with him doing this and had to tell my mother to tell him to stop. She said he had a right to, but she knew that I would not let it go so she would in private tell him to keep out of it.

Child years:
My brother and I were huge gamers. We loved computers, knew them very well, and were pretty much the only technology people in the house. Me to a greater extent, because I would practice my craft. We would play games and program them together. These are some of my only good memories with him.

My brother was bossy which I always thought was typical of older siblings. He was controlling and when he didn't get his way he would insult me. Let's say we were playing a video game and he wanted to pick a character that we both liked... He was going to pick that character or we wouldn't be playing the game. It got to the point where I couldn't pick a whole group of characters that he liked, and he would forbid me from telling our parents about them. This would last until our teen years.

My brother is smart, a fast learner, a smooth talker, debater. If something does not come to him instantly he gets upset and lashes out. A good example of this would be when we are playing fighting games. I was always better at him in fighting games... Not because I'm a natural, but because I would read the moves lists, practice the game, and try my hardest to win. Any character I would pick he would call cheap and insult my playing abilities. It got to the point where my mother told us we couldn't play fighting games for a bit.

Come a bit into our teen years and my brother starts to get pretty political. As kids, we never talked about politics. We thought they were boring grown-up stuff. Being an african-american family we are pretty much expected to be liberal. My brother followed the program, and I sort of fell into right-wing stuff. I regret this because looking back it was rebelling at my parents for forcing liberal politics on me.

My brother is truly the worst type of liberal.... I say this not to be hyperbolic or edgy, but is the perfect example of the 2016 sjw, If you don't like politics then you must be just as bad as the GOP. If you do align with more right-wing beliefs then you are an evil racist who has been brain-washed.

He would try to have debates with me and then get extremely emotional and insult me in the debates. He does this with my mother and father to the point where they won't talk to him about politics...

Anyways, I'll write more if I get some responses...

 

[CentreMid]

I'd rather not comment on the political side of things, but I can give you my thoughts about the early life stuff.

I'm the oldest child of 2 in my family. It's interesting to see the other side of things. From what you've described, it sounds like our parents were very similar in terms of the way they punished my sister and I.

Growing up, there was a heavy amount of pressure put on me to succeed because I was the oldest. Like your brother, I was an "overachiever" (I'm quite average and very burnt out nowadays lol). I did similar things to my sister (mostly around friend-groups and bullying through exclusion) and we're not as close as I'd like nowadays. For myself, I see that what I did was bullying and I do regret it. I've attempted to reconnect with her and it's working slowly but surely, so I guess hope's not completely lost.

Additionally, my parents had never been parents before me, so everything with me was a first time. By the time my sister came around, they had a better idea of what to do and what not to do, therefore I believe this is part of the reason why she's better off than me. My parents were just better because they learned how to deal with a child. In the same way, your parents never knew how to be parents before your brother (assuming he is the oldest), therefore, they had to learn things with him and probably got a lot of things wrong which, in turn, would have lasting effects on your brother and his thinking/behaviour in the same way my parents' shortcomings affected me. Generational trauma is a bitch, lemme tell ya!

All of this being said, there are many factors as to why your brother acted the way he did, and while we can point fingers and pin the blame on many things, it doesn't excuse his behaviour or make it justified. What he did was wrong. However, I hope I'm able to give you some insight as to why he did the things he did. I'm a little tired, so I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. Please let me know if I've gotten anything wrong or if you need any clarification!

 

[Viranamari]

To me, it does not seem like your brother is abusive. He seems to have some genuine anxiety issues. A few examples were when the both of you were gaming. Frankly, many siblings are like your brother and that is perfectly normal. However, for you to think to the extent that your brother is a bully tells me that are not comfortable when he does the mentioned acts. I suggest you tell him how you feel. In a nutshell, that is pretty normal in siblings but you should tell him you are not comfortable with him when he does the mentioned acts. He does not appear to be abusive to me. As for the politics thing, that is also normal. People change. Maybe he changed his opinion. So he does not seem abusive but might be a bit of a bully towards you at least. I hope this helps!

 

[BornToFail]

To me, it does not seem like your brother is abusive. He seems to have some genuine anxiety issues. A few examples were when the both of you were gaming. Frankly, many siblings are like your brother and that is perfectly normal. However, for you to think to the extent that your brother is a bully tells me that are not comfortable when he does the mentioned acts. I suggest you tell him how you feel. In a nutshell, that is pretty normal in siblings but you should tell him you are not comfortable with him when he does the mentioned acts. He does not appear to be abusive to me. As for the politics thing, that is also normal. People change. Maybe he changed his opinion. So he does not seem abusive but might be a bit of a bully towards you at least. I hope this helps!

Thank you. I feel like it is normal, but to the extent to which he did it, I don't think so. For years I couldn't pick a character in a video game because he liked them. I couldn't escape. We only had each other, never left the house for school. We don't talk anymore. I never plan on seeing him. We ended things on an awful note. I don't regret what I did because it hurt him, I regret it because I hurt myself and made my life worse. He still does that stuff regarding politics. He has a lot of anxiety issues, he has OCD like me too. It sounds bad, but I don't care. I never got a pass for my issues, so why does he? Even when I told my parents I was suicidal there was never a cooling-off point, going easy on me.

 

[HayBunny23]

To me, it does not seem like your brother is abusive. He seems to have some genuine anxiety issues.

I'd agree with this, and keep in mind FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE as an "sjw", that political party is causing massive harm to people(even massive death/genocide). So severe anxiety+ constant inflammation from social media.. now you got your bro. You BOTH call each other brain washed over your political beliefs, but if youre asking me, both of you are just acting foolish. (Like normal siblings can sometimes)
Politics are a waste of time for people like us anyways, since we'll hopefully die sooner than later.. even if we weren't ready to ctb; we know it's all a massive scam to make you feel like you have a choice in your overlords. It's all an illusion for the dumb dumbs to delude themselves into being happy being the governments bit@h.

 

[arcadia]

I'm ngl it doesn't seem like he was a bully. Trash talk in street fighter or tekken is pretty customary between siblings growing up. Additionally, political beliefs just tend to do that to people. These are strange times where everyone is on edge, and so fighting between sides (GOP and Democrats) as mentioned above is driven more from anxiety than actual malicious intent. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings though, I can only see so much from a brief description. You know your situation best.

 

[BornToFail]

I'm ngl it doesn't seem like he was a bully. Trash talk in street fighter or tekken is pretty customary between siblings growing up. Additionally, political beliefs just tend to do that to people. These are strange times where everyone is on edge, and so fighting between sides (GOP and Democrats) as mentioned above is driven more from anxiety than actual malicious intent. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings though, I can only see so much from a brief description. You know your situation best.

Thank you. I don't think I explain things well. It was him talking down to me and getting angry. Not in a joking manner, but really angry at me. I wouldn't really engage much, I did tell him maybe you're just bad at the game once. Keep in mind this lasted until he was about 17...

I'd agree with this, and keep in mind FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE as an "sjw", that political party is causing massive harm to people(even massive death/genocide). So severe anxiety+ constant inflammation from social media.. now you got your bro. You BOTH call each other brain washed over your political beliefs, but if youre asking me, both of you are just acting foolish. (Like normal siblings can sometimes)
Politics are a waste of time for people like us anyways, since we'll hopefully die sooner than later.. even if we weren't ready to ctb; we know it's all a massive scam to make you feel like you have a choice in your overlords. It's all an illusion for the dumb dumbs to delude themselves into being happy being the governments bit@h.

I agree with that stance regarding politics. I called him brainwashed because out of the blue, he would force his views onto others. My mom and dad are liberal, and even they got sick of it. You have to agree with him on every single thing or you're a bad person. Even small issues.
I feel stupid for bringing up the fighting game issue. This was all we did, we had no social lives back then. I don't have one now, and he has a small circle now, but in the past we had nothing. He would get extremely angry when playing games.
Regarding the political issue, here is an example: I like to cover my face when I go places, this was pre-covid. I would wear a mask in stores and then my brother would get pissed and call me inconsiderate because cops might bother us... He has issues with cops because of the news and stuff.

I couldn't even use a water gun or my brother would have a fit.

 

[Fwompje]

I've been in pretty much the exact situation from what I can read. My brother is 4 years older amd would always tease me, not let me have the first controller, scare me etc. Those are sibling things which are normal but can still affect you.

For me it got better when he moved out, a year passed and we slowly grew closer together. We don't speak often but the realtionship is positive.

About the politics: I'm in the same shoes as your brother, I'm pretty left leaning and my brother is pretty right leaning. It can cause some arguments sometimes but I value my relationship with my brother more than I value debating him over politics. It sounds like your brother is a little too far into politics and hearing he has OCD that makes very much sense like the other commenters have said.

It's a tough situation you're in and it sounds like your feelings are hurt. It might take some time for him the cool a little down, perhaps some years. I really hope it gets better for the both of you.

 

[Grav]

It sounds like you two have a normal brother relationship to me. I don't know many people who have brothers that they are friends with, and usually close to enemies. Your description of home life sounds like you two couldn't go your own ways and just ignore each other, which is my situation but the older brother. We differ on politics and as my mom died he was involved in his own thing and it was the final straw for me, I don't talk to him anymore. Not out of hate but he seems to have no interest in family at any level (we're not a touchy-feely family and very dysfunctional). Most of my siblings didn't see it but they do now; so he lives his life and I do mine. Politics in a family are always wacky, at family reunions it wasn't going until someone got in a fight over politics. Not sure of your plans for life but the more time you spend apart from him the less it'll hurt I think; just becomes someone you'll forget about and either he'll come around and you two will come to an understanding or you'll give a final cut, as an adult you don't have to talk to him.

 

[wr3ck3d]

Thank you. I feel like it is normal, but to the extent to which he did it, I don't think so. For years I couldn't pick a character in a video game because he liked them. I couldn't escape. We only had each other, never left the house for school. We don't talk anymore. I never plan on seeing him. We ended things on an awful note. I don't regret what I did because it hurt him, I regret it because I hurt myself and made my life worse. He still does that stuff regarding politics. He has a lot of anxiety issues, he has OCD like me too. It sounds bad, but I don't care. I never got a pass for my issues, so why does he? Even when I told my parents I was suicidal there was never a cooling-off point, going easy on me.

Go back to him and end on a good note then. Not only because it will help both of you, but it won't come haunting you. You don't have to see him on a regularly. Just talk about what bothers you and what bothers him and make up for it, wish each other luck and farewell and leave it at that.
It won't change what happened to you, but as others pointed out this is normal sibling behavior. I guess a bit accentuated by his anxiety and your depression, but it's not worth turning your life around for this. I don't think his intention was to hurt you.
It also sounds like you're angry at your mother for siding with your brother more often than not, and I can see how this is unfair, as you are the younger sibling, your opinions tend to be the first discarded. I don't think she meant anything bad for you, but as your brother is older she saw him as more responsible for both of you.
I think that the parents' education played an important role and it didn't spare you or your brother from becoming who you are nowadays, yet you blame him more than you do them.
I'm not saying that now you should be angry at your parents, one point of going through life is to prove our parents that we can do better.
The point is don't be consumed by anger and try to understand and accept your family.

I have a younger sister and she provoked me a lot of times so she could cry just as our father would get home so she can get her way, so I kinda understand what you went through. Regardlessly, I helped her a few years ago and then never spoke to her again, we didn't end up on a bad note but we both know that we'd rather not talk to each other.