annxietty
“Is there no way out of the mind?”
- Mar 27, 2023
- 150
Today I had something kinda big going on, not big for many but big for me, I had a forklift driving test.... I dont know how to drive anything, never touched a steering wheel before in my life, I dont even know how to ride a bicycle, so yeah... I had to go slowly but then Im pretty sure I understood better how to drive, and the teacher told me that I had passed the test and that for someone that has never touched a steering wheel before I did amazing... On my group was many people like me, that didnt know how to drive, so everything was slow and we couldnt properly finish the test, the teacher said it was enough to tell we knew how to drive a forklift and everyone passed, I showed pictures and videos of this test to my family and they said they were very proud, a couple of months back I couldnt go alone anywhere and today I did this...I even took photos with girls from my class and talked to them quite a lot, is funny because they say Im always calm and that I make them less anxious before tests or presentations... They would be surprised if they knew how much medication I take everyday to be able put a mask outside, they cant imagine how anxious I am every fucking second, Im constantly getting scared by anything and people laugh and tell me "you get scared so easily" and I laugh back, but truth is I get scared because in my head there is always the thought that something is going to happen so Im always alert... but anyways... My group finished and next group came... they did absolutey amazing, I saw videos, most of them know how to drive... but I cant stop feeling this... this feeling... like I failed, my dad says "Im so proud" and I think "proud? you are proud because your daughter is average?" Im not someone you can feel proud of, but that also makes me think, how can someone be this broken and feel that life is meaningless, but still feel the need to be above average? Why do I care so much about this shit? Cant I feel that silly happiness people feel when they accomplish something? You know I identify these feelings of anxiety, sadness, etc. with a dark figure with a big eye, I dont see it, but I feel it and when my stomach starts aching and my brain tells me to run and escape, I feel that presence, that dark figure with that big eye looking at me, sometimes even wrapping their arms around me, around my neck, around my mouth... Like I said I dont see it, I dont hear it, but I feel it, I feel the eye watching me, and the darkness that screams despair. Things are changing in my life, I should be happy, I should be proud, I always wanted to be normal, that means average... Im average but I dont feel normal, I dont want that, how can I feel normal when that thing sleeps with me, eats with me, goes outiside with me.... it is there, I feel it behind me right now...
