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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 248
Around a month ago, I devised a plan to drink a lot and then CTB via hanging. I had the reservation and all but for some stupid reason I backed out under the assumption that things would get better. Here I am almost a month later and nothing's really gotten better. At the end of the day, my severely troubled childhood defined by daily suicidal ideation and abuse has left me permanently and irreversibly damaged. I am merely broken and scattered doll parts. There is no future for me and any happiness I feel is just temporary. I have no career prospects and with my numerous personality defects, anything I pursue won't last very long anyways. I lack both a family and any solid friendships. I can't even hold a solid friendship anyway. I once used to be somewhat normal as in I didn't really think twice about whether I had friends or not but due to my mother's incessant need to sabotage and destroy my friendships and she eventually won. Thanks "mum".
I have been gradually going insane since the age of 10 and with time, it has become harder and harder for me to relate to others. Whenever I run out of things to say, I often find myself filling in the peace with my own trauma. I don't know why this occurs but it does and I view it as an act of self-sabotage in my friendships. I theorise that it could be the result of me feeling so alone in my pain during childhood in conjunction with the fact that no matter what I do, I cannot forget. Sometimes I break down and just scream "why me". I constantly feel like I'm masquerading as a normal person when really I constantly cycle from pained sadness to pained anger internally. Having to endure years of my mother constantly calling me "useless", "dumb" and "stupid". Back when I still had passions, she would constantly shit on my passions and dreams and act like I was a failure just because I have always had social struggles. Now I lack any semblance of a personality and my entire self-worth revolves around how many people I talk to. I'm not even joking but whenever I'm talking to someone and they go to sleep, I just sit in the darkness and spiral and my thoughts are like "They're leaving me because I'm useless and dumb, my mother was right."
Therapy is useless because no matter what I say they don't listen. For a while I have suspected potential ADHD/autism but they never listen. Hell, even with more basic shit like depression and anxiety, they don't listen. They act like wanting to die every single day from a young age is normal for every teenager. They act like being involuntarily committed to the hospital on multiple occasions is normal for every teenager. They act like it's normal to be unable to relate to people your age easily. I'm done with psychiatry in this country honestly. A while ago I felt depressed and decided to go barhopping alone and had multiple large drinks and felt so euphoric after. I find myself craving alcohol more and more now as some sort of "miracle drug". On one hand, I know of the long-term negative consequences of alcohol but it's way easier to access than cannabis or antidepressants. Everything is a mess right now. I am at a point where I harbour an extreme amount of internalised racism towards people from my family's culture and self-resentment over having to be part of it ethnically. I can't help but feel resentment towards my sister who didn't experience as much suffering yet still feels the need to make "harmless jokes" over my mental health. I am just sick of being treated like a crazy person. I never asked to be this way but for whatever reason, my younger self was constantly forced to endure all forms of abuse form those who were supposed to care for her and now I'm just expected to be a regular functioning adult despite never being equipped with the coping skills to deal with all the challenges of adulthood.
I don't understand why I had to be the one that basically lived in the school counsellors office. I don't understand why I had to be the one that can't handle classroom environments without getting overwhelmed/stressed. I don't understand why I had to be the one bounced from one shitty home to another. I don't understand why I had to be the one dealing with weird/predatory older people. I don't understand why I had to be the one sitting in the school toilets. I don't understand why I had to be the one constantly blamed for everything and severely beaten as a result. I am beginning to resent my sister for acting like her problems come even close to mine.
I don't want to be broken forever but it's too late for me. I hope someone kills me soon since SI keeps scaring me away from tying the rope. I hate it here
I have been gradually going insane since the age of 10 and with time, it has become harder and harder for me to relate to others. Whenever I run out of things to say, I often find myself filling in the peace with my own trauma. I don't know why this occurs but it does and I view it as an act of self-sabotage in my friendships. I theorise that it could be the result of me feeling so alone in my pain during childhood in conjunction with the fact that no matter what I do, I cannot forget. Sometimes I break down and just scream "why me". I constantly feel like I'm masquerading as a normal person when really I constantly cycle from pained sadness to pained anger internally. Having to endure years of my mother constantly calling me "useless", "dumb" and "stupid". Back when I still had passions, she would constantly shit on my passions and dreams and act like I was a failure just because I have always had social struggles. Now I lack any semblance of a personality and my entire self-worth revolves around how many people I talk to. I'm not even joking but whenever I'm talking to someone and they go to sleep, I just sit in the darkness and spiral and my thoughts are like "They're leaving me because I'm useless and dumb, my mother was right."
Therapy is useless because no matter what I say they don't listen. For a while I have suspected potential ADHD/autism but they never listen. Hell, even with more basic shit like depression and anxiety, they don't listen. They act like wanting to die every single day from a young age is normal for every teenager. They act like being involuntarily committed to the hospital on multiple occasions is normal for every teenager. They act like it's normal to be unable to relate to people your age easily. I'm done with psychiatry in this country honestly. A while ago I felt depressed and decided to go barhopping alone and had multiple large drinks and felt so euphoric after. I find myself craving alcohol more and more now as some sort of "miracle drug". On one hand, I know of the long-term negative consequences of alcohol but it's way easier to access than cannabis or antidepressants. Everything is a mess right now. I am at a point where I harbour an extreme amount of internalised racism towards people from my family's culture and self-resentment over having to be part of it ethnically. I can't help but feel resentment towards my sister who didn't experience as much suffering yet still feels the need to make "harmless jokes" over my mental health. I am just sick of being treated like a crazy person. I never asked to be this way but for whatever reason, my younger self was constantly forced to endure all forms of abuse form those who were supposed to care for her and now I'm just expected to be a regular functioning adult despite never being equipped with the coping skills to deal with all the challenges of adulthood.
I don't understand why I had to be the one that basically lived in the school counsellors office. I don't understand why I had to be the one that can't handle classroom environments without getting overwhelmed/stressed. I don't understand why I had to be the one bounced from one shitty home to another. I don't understand why I had to be the one dealing with weird/predatory older people. I don't understand why I had to be the one sitting in the school toilets. I don't understand why I had to be the one constantly blamed for everything and severely beaten as a result. I am beginning to resent my sister for acting like her problems come even close to mine.
I don't want to be broken forever but it's too late for me. I hope someone kills me soon since SI keeps scaring me away from tying the rope. I hate it here
