Venting Broke down today

[delusionalgirl]

I'm on another insomnia cycle of no sleep. So this adds to it. Funny enough I was going to make a different post yesterday. Because I felt happy that it's coming to an end. I am having some fun. But why not. It's almost like a surge to get over that last hurdle to ctb. Being happy and having fun is not changing my mind. I'm just doing what I want until the end….. then this happens and I've been a mess.


The last year my partner and I ended up with 4 more dogs. Love dogs. My little dogs I had before we got together were the only thing keeping me going. They passed last year. It was horrible. I broke. I was gone and no support for my grief. I took care of the other dogs and cared and loved for them. Before I left my partner had brought up they were gonna leave and take all their dogs. Ok fine your dogs. My 2 were passed. It still hurt they said this though. For so many reasons. I left. I don't know where the ex is. I don't know if the dogs were rehomed. Was browsing TikTok because no sleep need something stupid. Dog video comes up. I watch because well dogs. Didn't know the account. Browse it a bit. Second video two of my dogs (theirs whatever, paper work shit) I broke. I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard. I text a couple friends just so they know I'm not gonna be talking a couple days. I just curled on my bed and cried. Watched a couple more times just get glimpses of them. Didn't save or screen cap it. Blocked the account. No offense to the account. I just cannot see them pop again. I have my own photos and videos but seeing ones that are new was just that extra kick I didn't need. I had enough thought not to grab my methods and rationalize I will fuck up if I do it in this condition. I just cried and hugged my pillow.

 

[whywere]

Reading your post made my heart ache and break into pieces for you. I love pets, do not have any now because I travel for work, but when I was growing up I had a dog that I called spot, he was a stray and I really loved him, but my "dad" did not and he shot him dead. now that was back in the early 1970's but I still think about him.

With that said, I send you huge hugs and love as we are all in this together.

Walter

 

[josephk]

I so get it. Dogs are better than humans. Sending best wishes

 

[MrDarkness]

dogs are like extra family members, I'm scared to own one and get attach to it, to have it die before me, I wish they could live as long as humans, I miss my childhood fur ball

 

[delusionalgirl]

Thank you all. I just it wrecked me. It was almost like when my two passed last year. I'm visibly so emotional I had to stay in my hotel room all day. The friends j did tell understand why I'm not talking. I slept til noon and just stayed in bed all day. It did make me a little happy to know they are happy. Looked well fed and healthy. But j wish they were right here. I've handled my whole plan well but this just fuuuccckkk.

 

[90starve]

I'm on another insomnia cycle of no sleep. So this adds to it. Funny enough I was going to make a different post yesterday. Because I felt happy that it's coming to an end. I am having some fun. But why not. It's almost like a surge to get over that last hurdle to ctb. Being happy and having fun is not changing my mind. I'm just doing what I want until the end….. then this happens and I've been a mess.


The last year my partner and I ended up with 4 more dogs. Love dogs. My little dogs I had before we got together were the only thing keeping me going. They passed last year. It was horrible. I broke. I was gone and no support for my grief. I took care of the other dogs and cared and loved for them. Before I left my partner had brought up they were gonna leave and take all their dogs. Ok fine your dogs. My 2 were passed. It still hurt they said this though. For so many reasons. I left. I don't know where the ex is. I don't know if the dogs were rehomed. Was browsing TikTok because no sleep need something stupid. Dog video comes up. I watch because well dogs. Didn't know the account. Browse it a bit. Second video two of my dogs (theirs whatever, paper work shit) I broke. I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard. I text a couple friends just so they know I'm not gonna be talking a couple days. I just curled on my bed and cried. Watched a couple more times just get glimpses of them. Didn't save or screen cap it. Blocked the account. No offense to the account. I just cannot see them pop again. I have my own photos and videos but seeing ones that are new was just that extra kick I didn't need. I had enough thought not to grab my methods and rationalize I will fuck up if I do it in this condition. I just cried and hugged my pillow.

im so sorry that this happened - it is devastating to lose a loved one, especially a pet who is so unconditionally gentle and loving.

i think you've made a good decision to block the account for now - it sounds like pondering the memories causes you great pain.

i really hope you can find a way to heal from this, when you're ready <3