I had ordered a bag containing 100 g of caffeine powder.
On the Sunday evening before my birthday, I decided to open it and attempt suicide.
The substance was extremely bitter and caused nausea at the smallest amounts, so I realised that I couldn't swallow it in powder form without further ado. I therefore travelled about 300 km by train to a chemist's shop that was open on a Sunday and bought empty capsules, which I then filled with the caffeine.
It was very stressful for me that I had no place to die. I couldn't go home because of my mum. It was freezing outside and so I had no choice but to get back on a train to a distant destination. I ended up eating about 8 grams. On the one hand, it was so little that I could be considered simple-minded, but on the other hand, even a hundredfold dose would probably not have brought certain death upon me.
I suffered a vomiting fit on the train and passed out a short time later. It was here that I realised that I would probably not die. I had woken up when the paramedics took me to the vehicle. I stayed in hospital for a night, during which I continued to suffer from dizziness, headaches and severe vomiting. It wasn't until five hours after the intoxication that I was given an anti-emetic, for whatever reason.
After the symptoms improved, I was then taken to a psychiatric ward. It wasn't as bad there as everyone always says. I had a room, the food was good and the "flatmates" (it was a kind of residential group) were really nice, as were the staff. It was so liberating to have no access to the outside world.
I also got to know a very nice girl there. We had an incredible amount in common. We were almost the same age, she was three days younger than me. We both really only wanted to live to be … years old and that was one of the reasons we were suicidal. She also tried to kill herself by jumping off a 7 metre high bridge (she had previously tried jumping off a train, slitting her veins and hanging herself - all of which she survived without permanent damage). Incidentally, I had also tried to poison myself with potassium cyanide once before, but that's another story. So we ended up sleeping together. Secretly, of course, because that's forbidden on such wards. You can well imagine that it was a wonderful consolation for all the suffering.
After four days, I was involuntarily transferred to the psychiatric outpatient clinic near my home town, as I had travelled far away by train. However, this was compulsory in terms of insurance. There I then claimed that it wasn't a suicide attempt, but an attempt to "lift my spirits" (the decisive advantage of caffeine as a suicide attempt). Miraculously, I was discharged - but that was exactly my goal.
Current plan:
Prepare a suicide attempt with sodium nitrite. The SN has already been delivered today (it cost me the equivalent of about 25 USD). Tomorrow I'll get a prescription for metoclopramide (insurance benefit). Fortunately, both are very easily available where I live.
After that, I want to be readmitted to the psychiatric ward in the city far away (I've already thought of something very good that I can stay there for a longer time) and "smuggle in" the substances there (apparently very easy, they didn't take the caffeine from me either) to take my life together with the girl. I know that may sound naive because there's a big risk of getting caught. However, I can't let her down and allow her to do something again that could put her in serious danger.
On the Sunday evening before my birthday, I decided to open it and attempt suicide.
The substance was extremely bitter and caused nausea at the smallest amounts, so I realised that I couldn't swallow it in powder form without further ado. I therefore travelled about 300 km by train to a chemist's shop that was open on a Sunday and bought empty capsules, which I then filled with the caffeine.
It was very stressful for me that I had no place to die. I couldn't go home because of my mum. It was freezing outside and so I had no choice but to get back on a train to a distant destination. I ended up eating about 8 grams. On the one hand, it was so little that I could be considered simple-minded, but on the other hand, even a hundredfold dose would probably not have brought certain death upon me.
I suffered a vomiting fit on the train and passed out a short time later. It was here that I realised that I would probably not die. I had woken up when the paramedics took me to the vehicle. I stayed in hospital for a night, during which I continued to suffer from dizziness, headaches and severe vomiting. It wasn't until five hours after the intoxication that I was given an anti-emetic, for whatever reason.
After the symptoms improved, I was then taken to a psychiatric ward. It wasn't as bad there as everyone always says. I had a room, the food was good and the "flatmates" (it was a kind of residential group) were really nice, as were the staff. It was so liberating to have no access to the outside world.
I also got to know a very nice girl there. We had an incredible amount in common. We were almost the same age, she was three days younger than me. We both really only wanted to live to be … years old and that was one of the reasons we were suicidal. She also tried to kill herself by jumping off a 7 metre high bridge (she had previously tried jumping off a train, slitting her veins and hanging herself - all of which she survived without permanent damage). Incidentally, I had also tried to poison myself with potassium cyanide once before, but that's another story. So we ended up sleeping together. Secretly, of course, because that's forbidden on such wards. You can well imagine that it was a wonderful consolation for all the suffering.
After four days, I was involuntarily transferred to the psychiatric outpatient clinic near my home town, as I had travelled far away by train. However, this was compulsory in terms of insurance. There I then claimed that it wasn't a suicide attempt, but an attempt to "lift my spirits" (the decisive advantage of caffeine as a suicide attempt). Miraculously, I was discharged - but that was exactly my goal.
Current plan:
Prepare a suicide attempt with sodium nitrite. The SN has already been delivered today (it cost me the equivalent of about 25 USD). Tomorrow I'll get a prescription for metoclopramide (insurance benefit). Fortunately, both are very easily available where I live.
After that, I want to be readmitted to the psychiatric ward in the city far away (I've already thought of something very good that I can stay there for a longer time) and "smuggle in" the substances there (apparently very easy, they didn't take the caffeine from me either) to take my life together with the girl. I know that may sound naive because there's a big risk of getting caught. However, I can't let her down and allow her to do something again that could put her in serious danger.
