DyingToDie123
she/her
- Oct 25, 2023
- 385
ugh, I could make this really long or really short, I'll try to be somewhere in between though.
When I was a kid (I know I promised I wouldn't be long but stick with me), I always had some fascination with mental illnesses, to the point where I almost wanted to have them. I don't know if I wanted to be different (fucked up I know) or have an explanation for why I was different, but I was always drawn toward rather than being afraid of them.
BPD was one of those. And after a while I realized I could actually have it, but was bombarded by the internet telling me not to "self-diagnose". Teenage me though grew a lot of wacky attachments to people (mostly teachers) and a self-injury habit, though no other real symptoms of BPD. But when people talked about the having "your person" experience online, I resonated with that a lot.
Fast forward to now, 11 years after I started cutting and maybe 13 since I started having unstable relationships. I had gone all of undergrad + my first job without having attachment issues, so I chalk it up to hormones. Then I start grad school, move to a new city, have a roommate who has a tendency to break his boundaries and then blame me for him feeling resentfully of me doing so, and I get upset by this. I get attached, I write him a suicide note before I mean to jump off a bridge one day, and it spirals into a whole thing (read my first post on here). And now all of a sudden everyone is telling me I have BPD.
Now, if everyone weren't telling me this, I might think I have it, but something about being treated like this feels... (at the risk of being dramatic and for lack of a better word) dehumanizing? Like just having your experience dwindled down to a single diagnosis and being told DBT is the thing that's going to cure it is just painful for reasons I can't explain.
I'm so fucking tired of it, I barely know how to explain it but I hate it.
When I was a kid (I know I promised I wouldn't be long but stick with me), I always had some fascination with mental illnesses, to the point where I almost wanted to have them. I don't know if I wanted to be different (fucked up I know) or have an explanation for why I was different, but I was always drawn toward rather than being afraid of them.
BPD was one of those. And after a while I realized I could actually have it, but was bombarded by the internet telling me not to "self-diagnose". Teenage me though grew a lot of wacky attachments to people (mostly teachers) and a self-injury habit, though no other real symptoms of BPD. But when people talked about the having "your person" experience online, I resonated with that a lot.
Fast forward to now, 11 years after I started cutting and maybe 13 since I started having unstable relationships. I had gone all of undergrad + my first job without having attachment issues, so I chalk it up to hormones. Then I start grad school, move to a new city, have a roommate who has a tendency to break his boundaries and then blame me for him feeling resentfully of me doing so, and I get upset by this. I get attached, I write him a suicide note before I mean to jump off a bridge one day, and it spirals into a whole thing (read my first post on here). And now all of a sudden everyone is telling me I have BPD.
Now, if everyone weren't telling me this, I might think I have it, but something about being treated like this feels... (at the risk of being dramatic and for lack of a better word) dehumanizing? Like just having your experience dwindled down to a single diagnosis and being told DBT is the thing that's going to cure it is just painful for reasons I can't explain.
I'm so fucking tired of it, I barely know how to explain it but I hate it.
