I don't think life will ever be worth living with BPD. I can't keep a job or any kind of friendship or relationship. I always just want to run away and kill myself. I have no personality and I always feel empty and worthless. I feel like a black hole that just attracts everything negative. I can't wait to kill myself. I know it's not the answer and I know it will hurt my family but I can't live this pathetic life anymore. I know some people are able to manage their symptoms with lots of therapy but I just don't have the will to fight and I don't believe I can change. I don't want to learn, I don't want to grow up, I don't want to change.
LaVieEnRose
Angelic
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,188
So it sounds like DBT didn't work for you? Not that it should necessarily always work; it's not magic.
What behaviors or symptom specifically interfere with relationships or work?
What behaviors or symptom specifically interfere with relationships or work?
TRIXI3
may death be upon me
- Jun 28, 2023
- 35
I have BPD also and it is such a terrifying feeling. I feel as if I cannot control myself at all and everything is constantly falling apart. I sympathize with you and send you hugs. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk/vent.
This is so accurate. I am just scared or angry or suicidal all the time and I haven't been able to build anything good in my life. I can't stop panicking. The longer I stay at a job the stronger my urge to suicide gets until I attempt and it just keeps happening. I have no personality and nothing to offer people so I end up distancing myself from people or just ghosting them or I end up hurting them with how unstable I am. It's like I am allergic to stability. I don't think I will ever be able to build a life worth living, with quality relationships and a stable place to live. I don't know how to fix it. I'm supposed to do a DBT group again soon but I don't have any hope that it's gonna work. I think the best thing for me is to just end it myself. Otherwise I am going to end up homeless or addicted to drugs or worse. I don't know how I'm ever going to stop being like this. I can pretend to be normal for a little while but I always end up going back to being suicidal and that takes over everything until I can't function anymore. I just panic all the time especially when I'm trying to build something/learn something useful, then the urges get even stronger. What is the point of life if I can't build or grow anything?
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I struggle with BPD on a daily basis.
Just trigger after trigger after trigger. Stability is always so short lived. Platonic relationships are difficult, let alone romantic ones. DBT is nice and all, but those skills are borderline (ha) impossible to actually reach for.
If I'm not burning myself down, I'm burning down everyone around me. I don't wish this on anyone, and I'm truly sorry to anyone who actually knows me. BPD has cost me important relationships, it's cost me multiple jobs, it's cost me my sanity (or whatever little I had). BPD caused me to be plural/a system/OSDD.
And don't get me started on when RSD gets mixed in. I crave the encouragement and validation of others, but can't ask for it and can't accept it if their tone is off. I hate it. I hate this.
I'm so sorry, friend.
Just trigger after trigger after trigger. Stability is always so short lived. Platonic relationships are difficult, let alone romantic ones. DBT is nice and all, but those skills are borderline (ha) impossible to actually reach for.
If I'm not burning myself down, I'm burning down everyone around me. I don't wish this on anyone, and I'm truly sorry to anyone who actually knows me. BPD has cost me important relationships, it's cost me multiple jobs, it's cost me my sanity (or whatever little I had). BPD caused me to be plural/a system/OSDD.
And don't get me started on when RSD gets mixed in. I crave the encouragement and validation of others, but can't ask for it and can't accept it if their tone is off. I hate it. I hate this.
I'm so sorry, friend.
Spiritual survivor
A born again but occasionally suicidal
- Feb 13, 2022
- 509
My advice I can give u is u must accept that u have this and try not to focus on what u don't have in this life. I completely agree, therapy is just too lengthy and it's hard to stick with. Stop hating yourself. I bet there are parts of u that people really enjoy. The only way that I became happier with my BPD is wen I began to accept myself and no longer worried too much about what other people think of me. I also don't compare myself to other people or worry about societal expectations, or wether a guy likes me or not. I let go of trying to fit in. What if it's not just bpd but autism and ADD as well? I recently discovered I have undiagnosed autism but assumed for years it was just bpd, ADD, and complex ptsd.
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This is really good advice. I just can't seem to get a grip or control myself enough to make any sort of change or progress.
Mäximum
All the effort for nothing...
- Apr 5, 2023
- 164
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
I have bpd and God, I've never really talked about not being able to keep a job seriously with anyone! People, specially my parents, just call me lazy. Ive already dropped two degrees and my jobs last for 4/5 months tops and it takes an eternity to find another.
when I study or work I stop eating all I can, and I relapse at consuming excessive Xanax to be able to cope at work\college (not anymore)
it's so tiring. I also feel that I am good for nothing and I don't deserve to be alive but I have an 8 year old brother, is the only thing that keeps me from hanging.
btw,what is dtb? I don't think I've heard that in Spain (or maybe not with that name)
when I study or work I stop eating all I can, and I relapse at consuming excessive Xanax to be able to cope at work\college (not anymore)
it's so tiring. I also feel that I am good for nothing and I don't deserve to be alive but I have an 8 year old brother, is the only thing that keeps me from hanging.
btw,what is dtb? I don't think I've heard that in Spain (or maybe not with that name)
This sounds so similar to me. I always quit my job at the 4/5 month mark and usually attempt at that point as well. The urge to die gets stronger and stronger until i cant fight it and I just give up on everything . It is so hard to explain to people who don't have BPD.
DBT stands for dialectical behavorial therapy. It is a type of therapy that helps you regulate your behavior and emotions. It was created by someone who had BPD who is now a psychologist. I don't know if they have it in Spain but maybe a therapist would know about it.
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
and you say it's very traumatic? dbt I mean
scroll down a bit for answer!
I also asked
sadidiot0328
I feel like I died long ago
- Jun 1, 2023
- 85
I have BPD too. I resonated with feeling like you don't have a personality, I honestly feel like I don't have a "true" self, just parts and piece I stitched together from other people to form a resemblance of whats supposed to be "me".
Just google them both. The answers are readily available. DBT is about self-help techniquesand you say it's very traumatic? dbt I mean
scroll down a bit for answer!
darkenmydoorstep
Not Waving But Browned Off….
- Sep 27, 2023
- 520
I love someone with this and it's a real struggle. I get close to be batted away like a fly yet I know his battle internally is massive.
chuerdhmproton
Mr. Water Pig
- Sep 9, 2023
- 201
bpd is truly a horrible mental illness. bpd people crave love and attention but the illness makes them act in destructive behaviors that ultimately push away everyone they care about. I have so much empathy for people with bpd but I personally will never get seriously involved with a bpd person ever again
Spiritual survivor
A born again but occasionally suicidal
- Feb 13, 2022
- 509
Well u aren't alone in that. I'm most likely older than u at age 46, and I can say that the bpd for me has calmed down. I'm able to restrain myself better and it probably has some to do with less intense hormone fluctuations during the course of the month. I used to suffer way worse in my 30's and up to my earlier 40's. I don't think we need years of therapy to get better. We might need some help improving or correcting our worldview and restraining of some of our behaviors. Don't focus too much on trying to change yourself to fit into the needs of this world and other people because we are in the end times and it is a waste of time. It's best to accept the limitations u are struggling with. One area that used to be a problem for me was escalating conflict and I wouldn't recognize that I need to pull back immediately if I catch myself being tempted to say mean things or trying to win arguments lol! I have to really control the temptation to open my mouth when I shouldn't. This alone has really improved my relationships. I've also accepted that I can't have enduring relationships with most people I meet and if I do they have to also be empathetic. A big problem for me was also not having learned how to set boundaries or expressing clearly my limits so that I don't become resentful and overwhelmed by other peoples demands or expectations.
xxpinkmoonglitterxx
My Tears Ricochet
- Mar 24, 2023
- 74
Do you guys think bpd plays a role in making work such a huge struggle? I've had five jobs this year.
Yes I struggle so much to keep a job. It makes me so stressed out that I try to kill myself or just ghost the job. The longest job I ever had was about 5 months as a barista but I had to stop because I got wrist damage. I am very impulsive and unstable and I hate being like this. People keep telling me there's nothing wrong with me but CLEARLY there is because it feels like I am allergic to stability, building habits and long term routine. I always just want to escape. I want to have a healthy relationship and stable career like normal people.
If you don't think therapy is the answer, how did you manage to heal yourself?
My biggest struggle right now is trusting myself and self-reliance. I am being so destructive because I just don't see any happy future for myself. What is the point of living if I can't have stable meaningful relationships? I don't want to take care of myself, don't want to be feeling so lonely for the rest of my life, but if I can't stay in one place or build any lasting stability then I think it's just better to kill myself. I don't really want to die but I am so weak and negative that I can only see things getting way worse from here. I don't want to have to deal with my grandma dying or my parents dying in the future. I'm acting like a spoiled selfish brat..
At the same time it's good to hear that it has calmed down for you as you got older. I just don't know if i am capable or willing to change. I don't know how to stick with it because it always ends with me trying to destroy myself and everything I was working on. It's just demotivating when I can't make any lasting progress.
How do you make your life meaningful and worth living? It feels impossible when my brain is screaming at me that it's just not worth it.
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xxpinkmoonglitterxx
My Tears Ricochet
- Mar 24, 2023
- 74
I completely agree with wanting to have a healthy relationship and career. I want to be able to keep a job like a regular person.
Blue Elephant
Mage
- Sep 22, 2023
- 519
You and @claraisnotcarol (and other BPD affected) people keep saying this or something similar. Do you really think that this affection defines you? You (all of you) are more than this! I don't know each of you to point out your individual strenghts and weaknesees but I would guess that you have some, you have memories and feelings just like everyone else, and it seems to me that you have good hearts.
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
hey blue elephant! i really enjoy your posts!
well, one of the symptoms of bpd is depersonalization, we kind of dissociate on our own personality, like we don't really know who we are. I think it has more to do with the illness in my case, but of course, if a person is already insecure it can be so much worse.
I think that's because we think that we are just "made of other people's traits", since we live totally for the other person we become obsessed with. or at least in my case, I don't wanna generalize.
I hope I could explain myself kind of,
and thank you for the loving comments, I appreciate them so much
Spiritual survivor
A born again but occasionally suicidal
- Feb 13, 2022
- 509
I try not to bring up God talk here because I feel like it's upsetting to people but around age 44 I met some Christian people who have a private fellowship, and I learned a lot of things there that really improved my outlook. They taught me how to activate the Holy Spirit and I really believe something happened after I became a believer. It did not fix everything but once I grew spiritually it increased my awareness about things wen having to deal with relationships and some of those nagging things that kept bothering me became quieted. I became humbled and stopped feeling as desperate for external validation or that feeling like I have to have someone or I'm going to be miserable. There is supposed to be a next life which is in God's kingdom and because I believe in that, I have hope in the future. This life here in this world is filled with pain and misery for alot of people, but it isn't that long. So if u can just make it thru somehow, the next life is supposed to be amazing, and we are supposed to live in this paradise for 1,000 years. This is how I keep going. Supposedly we will be raised from the dead like Jesus was, but we will not have the flesh body but a spirit body. U will still remember relatives and friends but u won't have painful memories haunting u or anything like that. I'm not entirely sure what we will remember or not. I have alot less fear about everything as a result of having had been taught correctly about this stuff.
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That is a beautiful story. I know that God has a plan for all of us, love is the only real thing in the world. But the fear feels so real and it is hard to override. Fear that I will never be able to build anything and I will end up homeless.
cosmic-joke
Pharmacology master
- Oct 6, 2023
- 92
Im street homeless with bpd, cptsd, depression and g.a.d I have severe health issues and I'm completely alone wasting away in a pissy carpark, I'm in hospital weekly with my chronic facial pain it's hell, try and be greatful for the roof over Ur head and food in Ur belly I know it's hard, sending you love
Blue Elephant
Mage
- Sep 22, 2023
- 519
Thank you for the explanation, I have a better grasp of how this affection works now. But it sounds to me like you know who you are and what's happening to you. And I think this dissassociation happens to everyone as well, just, maybe differently!? I know I end up daydreaming sometimes, I count this as dissassociation, or when I get mad at someone or something I don't think I think straight or rational anymore and later I'm ashamed for it, I count this as dissassociation as well. Are these situations similar in some way to what is happening to you?
Since you live totally for the other person: This is exactly what I mean, you have something to give, love.
Thank you! I try! Thank you for your comments as well. : )
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
i thought about it for a lot. I don't quite have a clear understanding of dissociation as a concept. the best answer would be the Wikipedia one, like "feeling you're not on your body" or you're "watching youserlf like an espectator", or a sensation similar like that.
when I started learning about it I thought about the same things you said! the things that you said above happened to me and I felt so weird an I thought, well, maybe this is it? but I don't think it is, I think it's just our nature as humans and being contradictory, daydreaming etc.
for example, the moment I know for sure I'm dissociating is when I can't talk. when I get anxiety, or get triggered by something, my mind kind of wants to protect me and starts to wander. but not in the sense of daydreaming. it's like I build a glass all over my senses so every word I'm hearing or touch or whatever goes over it. so the same happens to my speech. no matter how much I try to, if I'm in that state of mind, I'm just incapable to answer to anything.
I'm sorry I feel this is all a huge ramble, it's something that I don't really understand either so I could just tell my experience
maybe if you are doing or are able to do therapy you could bring up this topic and tell me!
Blue Elephant
Mage
- Sep 22, 2023
- 519
So you're .. freezing, in certain situations. It sounds similar to the fight or flight instinct.i thought about it for a lot. I don't quite have a clear understanding of dissociation as a concept. the best answer would be the Wikipedia one, like "feeling you're not on your body" or you're "watching youserlf like an espectator", or a sensation similar like that.
when I started learning about it I thought about the same things you said! the things that you said above happened to me and I felt so weird an I thought, well, maybe this is it? but I don't think it is, I think it's just our nature as humans and being contradictory, daydreaming etc.
for example, the moment I know for sure I'm dissociating is when I can't talk. when I get anxiety, or get triggered by something, my mind kind of wants to protect me and starts to wander. but not in the sense of daydreaming. it's like I build a glass all over my senses so every word I'm hearing or touch or whatever goes over it. so the same happens to my speech. no matter how much I try to, if I'm in that state of mind, I'm just incapable to answer to anything.
I'm sorry I feel this is all a huge ramble, it's something that I don't really understand either so I could just tell my experience
maybe if you are doing or are able to do therapy you could bring up this topic and tell me!
Yes, ok, I imagine, I see that the effect is much more pronounced for you then for the average person. I can see that it's more difficult to keep steady.
By the way watching yourself like a spectator is an expression of higher awareness. I reached this state through meditation, it is incredible really.
Hmm .. I wonder if meditation would help you.
Anyway maybe, hopefully you'll udnerstand it in time and once you do then you can control it better. : )
I don't have BPD but i can feel your pain.. I have social anxiety and those things you have said really hits me..
claraisnotcarol
from dust to dust
- Oct 4, 2023
- 111
I'm actually very curious about getting to that state through meditation myself! but I've never been able to. I tried but my thoughts always take over. Maybe it's about a little more practice and letting go when I meditate, it's just a little hard for me because my mind goes so fast, specially when I'm surrounded by silence
