BPD is ruining my life

[Blue Elephant]

I'm actually very curious about getting to that state through meditation myself! but I've never been able to. I tried but my thoughts always take over. Maybe it's about a little more practice and letting go when I meditate, it's just a little hard for me because my mind goes so fast, specially when I'm surrounded by silence

It's alright, everyone's mind goes fast. You might as well let it. The point is not to control but to observe.

Keep your eyes open (and pointed somewhere ahead and a little bit lower), breathe like you always breathe (do not control it!), let your mind wonder but be observant, look, see, smell, listen and don't have opinions! You know how you can look up and see a plane flying and think: Aww, beautiful! Don't think, just observe! You look up and see a plane flying! And that's it! Now do that about everything inside and outside of your body!

 

[claraisnotcarol]

It's alright, everyone's mind goes fast. You might as well let it. The point is not to control but to observe.

Keep your eyes open (and pointed somewhere ahead and a little bit lower), breathe like you always breathe (do not control it!), let your mind wonder but be observant, look, see, smell, listen and don't have opinions! You know how you can look up and see a plane flying and think: Aww, beautiful! Don't think, just observe! You look up and see a plane flying! And that's it! Now do that about everything inside and outside of your body!

thank you! I'll take your advise! I will keep trying and see if I can make any progress

 

[StalkedByDeath]

I don't think life will ever be worth living with BPD. I can't keep a job or any kind of friendship or relationship. I always just want to run away and kill myself. I have no personality and I always feel empty and worthless. I feel like a black hole that just attracts everything negative. I can't wait to kill myself. I know it's not the answer and I know it will hurt my family but I can't live this pathetic life anymore. I know some people are able to manage their symptoms with lots of therapy but I just don't have the will to fight and I don't believe I can change. I don't want to learn, I don't want to grow up, I don't want to change.

I'm on the same boat... Thanks to my BPD symptoms, my wife of 4 years left... I've been through therapy, and had appointments coming up, but she just couldn't do it anymore... She gave up... I have been through hell internally, but never in my life have I felt this level of pain or hopelessness.

 

[KnownButForgettable]

I don't think life will ever be worth living with BPD. I can't keep a job or any kind of friendship or relationship. I always just want to run away and kill myself. I have no personality and I always feel empty and worthless. I feel like a black hole that just attracts everything negative. I can't wait to kill myself. I know it's not the answer and I know it will hurt my family but I can't live this pathetic life anymore. I know some people are able to manage their symptoms with lots of therapy but I just don't have the will to fight and I don't believe I can change. I don't want to learn, I don't want to grow up, I don't want to change.

I feel this way too much. For me it's already messed my life up too much to be recoverable I think. Like I only have a roof over my head because of someone else. I just cant work anymore its too much. I don't want to try and get better either because "better" just seems like more ways to just be okay with doing painful miserable things all the time. I don't even feel like a person and I'm just so tired. It feels like I was handed a death sentence and I just hate it so much.

 

[Niirvana]

This appears to be written by me. I was never able to maintain a job, nor my health, nor my relationships. I ended up alone, sicker than ever, without money and the only light I see is ctb. I believe that when they say that suicidal people do not want to die, but rather end their suffering, it is true. I tried and I couldn't, I can't take it anymore, I'm condemned to suffer or ctb, that would be my freedom. Send u hugs ♥

 

[notwavinbutdrowning]

I feel this so much. It's like my whole existence is fright or flight and I swing between the two to please other people and there is no space for me in existence because i don't even know what that looks like. When I try to do things for myself, ie relax, sleep - I am just full of guilt.

What techniques have you used to control or distract from your thoughts of suicide? I feel a bit desperate atm and every minute of every day I can't rid myself of ending my life. I'm so close to CTB.

Any advice or useful things you've used to cope would be great to read.

 

[mothercoin]

I feel this so much. It's like my whole existence is fright or flight and I swing between the two to please other people and there is no space for me in existence because i don't even know what that looks like. When I try to do things for myself, ie relax, sleep - I am just full of guilt.

What techniques have you used to control or distract from your thoughts of suicide? I feel a bit desperate atm and every minute of every day I can't rid myself of ending my life. I'm so close to CTB.

Any advice or useful things you've used to cope would be great to read.

When you are feeling very impulsively suicidal, get a bowl of ice water and hold your face in it.

I have to break down into small steps. Like, first, just focus on getting out of bed. Then drinking some water. Then go on the front porch for a minute. ETC

Try to get into a DBT group. If you cant then you can find the manual online. It goes over how to manage your emotions, distress tolerance, managing relationships. I think there is a free resource on it in the BPD subreddit too.

 

[Blue Elephant]

I have to break down into small steps. Like, first, just focus on getting out of bed. Then drinking some water. Then go on the front porch for a minute.

Hey this is how I do my mornings as well! Actually this is how I do in general, everything slowly, one at a time. It takes ages to acomplish anything but at least I acomplish things.