Venting bpd is my 13th reason

[EepyRina]

i'm so over this pain man. it's so weird going from being a toddler that never threw tantrums and always gave their toys to anyone who wanted them to this tantrum throwing, possessive freak. i literally am only living for other people and i'm so fucking tired of it. i just want to be loved and feel that way. i literally am so tired of being empty because of meds and then having a world shattering mood swing that feels like i'm dying. i seriously just want to be over everything. i don't want to die in my sleep because i was afraid of that as a kid and am afraid of death, but i also just don't want to keep going. i'm not good at anything, i don't have a future. i'm just going to be alone forever, wishing i was a better person and wishing i was anyone but me, but like, do i even deserve that? dbt doesn't feel like it's working. i wish i could literally just kill myself. i don't know what i need or want other than for this all to just stop.

I also want to breakup with my partner. i'm so in love with them but i want to kill myself and i'm so tired of having to fix the messes i create in the relationship. i'm tired of trying to be better for other people and i'm so so tired of waking up everyday to try to do what normal people excel at.

i'm not really expecting a response, i just am so tired of existing.

 

[Ln42]

I just wanted to say I hear you. I have no words of wisdom but wanted to acknowledge your post. I'm also in DBT, it's hard work. I'm on the fence as to whether I think it will work but I am trying.

 

[cantthinkofusername]

i know what you mean <//3
its not your fault
ive been through it too

 

[Ash]

Yeah.

Hate, hate, hate having BPD. Especially having done DBT. Feel like I know enough to see what the problem is (and therefore hate myself) but not enough to actually change anything.

(ETA - DBT itself was great. Just wish I could have stayed in a weekly or fortnightly group session on a permanent basis. Going out into the world alone again was where it went wrong. Need continuous support and no, that's not being me being BPD needy and attached and dependent. It's me not having any support from anyone else in the world.)