bpd, cant be numb

[Life_and_Death]

weed does nothing. drinking does nothing. the nitrous oxide i got in the hospital, DID NOTHING!! i cant numb myself and im wanting needing it. i understand why i was blackout dissociated for so long. one thing after another, im dealing with so much cptsd. just one memory after another. abuse, neglect. im dealing with still living in an abusive household where the pain they cause me is denied. im dealing with my bpd, which isnt happy with my SO right now. im dealing with the unhealthy, in some cases even more hurtful, urges that come with trauma.
how can i stop feeling...?