Story Borrowed Time.

[Brick In The Wall]

This may be more of a vent then a story. But I felt like it didn't fit anywhere else so I just made a new thread to let it out.

I can't escape this feeling that I'm living on borrowed time. It feels like my CTB is inevitable and approaching fast. Yet I'm still just rotting in bed, not even making the most of the time I do have.

I had high hopes for recovery before this Coronavirus shit. I was actually doing pretty good. But now...Corona and a few other issues have set me back so far. I just feel like riding out the rest of the cash I have and ending it.

I have no one and no reason to keep fighting this battle anymore. I'm sure my bitch of an ex wife will continue to make it nearly impossible to see my kids again.

At this point I'm so broken I don't know if I even want to be in my kids lives anymore. I feel like it would just do more harm then good. I've pretty much accepted that I'm never going to see my sons again, but it still hurts so much.

I've battled depression, suicide, and drug abuse for atleast 20 years now. But I think this is the lowest I've ever been. Just when you think you've seen the worst of it, the floor collapses and you go even deeper.

It's so surreal just floating through life like you're already dead. So many things that normal people do no longer apply to you. The feeling of being disconnected from reality just burns at your soul.

I honestly don't know what's going to happen anymore and frankly I could give zero fucks regardless. I'm going to leave it here for now, if you read through all of that shit you deserve a medal. Thank you for the love and support SS fam.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Sorry Brick
I often feel the same. I'm also not encouraged by what I see in society of late. I feel a tipping point coming.
I can keep myself busy and do all the right things, but my illness isn't getting better and I've little to no hope of treatment. I miss being a functional person.
So I kinda hear ya.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Sorry Brick
I often feel the same. I'm also not encouraged by what I see in society of late. I feel a tipping point coming.
I can keep myself busy and do all the right things, but my illness isn't getting better and I've little to no hope of treatment. I miss being a functional person.
So I kinda hear ya.

I'm sorry brother and thanks for your response. We're swimming against the tide it seems. I'll elaborate further tomorrow but this seems to fit the circumstance for now

I guess I'll be fine, and I need to look at the brightside.

 

[K-O]

We're swimming against the tide

Yes..
i cannot imagine not being with your little ones babe..
my dad came over today and it was very hard for me but i held it together as best i could..
the bond with fathers is so strong.. and him seeing me these past months have been some of the most difficult moments for me cause the love burns and feeds the pain and struggle..
love is a savior and a killer..
sometimes we need to shut off to save our selves\self destruct..
x

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Yes..
i cannot imagine not being with your little ones babe..
my dad came over today and it was very hard for me but i held it together as best i could..
the bond with fathers is so strong.. and him seeing me these past months have been some of the most difficult moments for me cause the love burns and feeds the pain and struggle..
love is a savior and a killer..
sometimes we need to shut off to save our selves\self destruct..
x

The bond between me and my sons is so strong. Thank you for recognizing that. Not many people here can respect that.

 

[K-O]

The bond between me and my sons is so strong. Thank you for recognizing that. Not many people here can respect that.

i am not a parent but a child and probably will always be..
i instinctively change perspective when am talking to a parent..
i cannot fully understand bringing life so i have respect for the depth i haven't experienced..
when i look into my dads eyes there's an ocean of love (and fear) but no doubt in my heart he loves me.
even if he did all the "wrong things".. he is a child as well..

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Twenty years man, damn. Either you started being suicidal too early, or you are actually a boomer. If the latter, you're a pretty cool boomer at least, gotta give you that :-P.

This is what the shrinks call a "feeling of impending doom".

You've had kids, so that's a plus, you've had some success. Sorry man I don't know what to say .... the accelerating-towards-doom-feeling is relatable.

Hope we all make it through

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Twenty years man, damn. Either you started being suicidal too early, or you are actually a boomer. If the latter, you're a pretty cool boomer at least, gotta give you that :-P.

This is what the shrinks call a "feeling of impending doom".

You've had kids, so that's a plus, you've had some success. Sorry man I don't know what to say .... the accelerating-towards-doom-feeling is relatable.

Hope we all make it through

Thanks man I'm 33, so I'll take the boomer thing even tho it's still a generation off. Yea I have two sons that are 8 and 5 now. I'll probably never see them again, but that's life.

I dunno what else to say right now. I hurt so bad but I can't even expresss it until tomorrow.

 

[Lunarhour]

The only option i see is just walking into a hospital and surrendering yourself to whatever program they can offer that can get you back on your feet. They do have useful programs on the side, so its not just a crazy house where they tell you what to do, make sure you take your meds and put you to bed.

If you can reach out a bit more to social services, reason being is for your kids. They ain't gonna' be kids forever, soon they will be adults and they will have the independence to see their father or not. They will be able to look at both sides of the story.

Yea, i hear you on the depression, your numb, your social cues are way off, low energy, no motivation, the soul is basically fading away. This covid shit really threw me off my horse, everything is so damn expensive and rent has gone up so much that i'm finding it hard to find a decent priced apartment right now.

I'm glad you can let your feelings out and share your story with us Brick in the wall.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

The only option i see is just walking into a hospital and surrendering yourself to whatever program they can offer that can get you back on your feet. They do have useful programs on the side, so its not just a crazy house where they tell you what to do, make sure you take your meds and put you to bed.

If you can reach out a bit more to social services, reason being is for your kids. They ain't gonna' be kids forever, soon they will be adults and they will have the independence to see their father or not. They will be able to look at both sides of the story.

Yea, i hear you on the depression, your numb, your social cues are way off, low energy, no motivation, the soul is basically fading away. This covid shit really threw me off my horse, everything is so damn expensive and rent has gone up so much that i'm finding it hard to find a decent priced apartment right now.

I'm glad you can let your feelings out and share your story with us Brick in the wall.

Yo are you fucking for real? I'm never going into an inpatient facility, been there and done that. I'm just gona leave that comment at that.

 

[Lunarhour]

Yo are you fucking for real? I'm never going into an inpatient facility, been there and done that. I'm just gona leave that comment at that.

There are programs outside of the inpatient facilities. I was in inpatient but i was transferred to a better program, patients they recognized as capable candidates for actual change. A time to rest your head properly, exercise, good food, tv, workout programs and a doctor that you see once every week to see how you are doing. I'm just running some options, because i've dived in a hospital with nothing but depression and suicidal thoughts and i told them its either they help me out or i'm leaving this world.

 

[enjolras]

I've redacted it in french for clarity.

I can identify a lot with your feeling of being in stoppage time, which has been familiar to me for many years, following a succession of losses, having made me realize that I would know the isolation before normalcy . The sensation varied in intensity, first overstressing in anticipation, then more concretely with realism, as time passed.

Very early also, I had to make definitive crosses on the people who counted the most, not kids in my case, but close family, extensively. From there, it is difficult to keep the motivation to continue, because of the loss of anchoring. The pursuit is freewheeling, searching for justification, because part of you is lost.

First, we have resistance as a first reflex, then comes wear. When unfortunate circumstances are added, the devastation can be overwhelming.

It's also one thing to be suicidal with opportunities to turn things around, but it's another thing to be aware of having an expiration date, especially when the deadline seems close.

You shouldn't blame yourself for being in a state of petrification. It is not livable to have to accept your own defeat prematurely.

In view of the circumstances, I think that you are doing your best to remain dignified and bring value, as you do among us, despite the fact that you are plunged into the abyss, with the bottom hiding under your feet. At these depths, the lights to cling to are rare.

Still, I have the impression that your nature is rather transcendental under the appearance of capitulation. Resilience is not too far away. You have outdone yourself before, it can't leave you indifferent.

If this time you are too close to the wall to see, it's certainly your right and power to send everything waltz. However indeed, for lack of inspiration, you can let yourself be carried by the current, until perhaps catching a wave which will bring you back to shore.

I regret not being the Wizard of Oz with recovery offers, I can just show my compassion.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I've redacted it in french for clarity.

I can identify a lot with your feeling of being in stoppage time, which has been familiar to me for many years, following a succession of losses, having made me realize that I would know the isolation before normalcy . The sensation varied in intensity, first overstressing in anticipation, then more concretely with realism, as time passed.

Very early also, I had to make definitive crosses on the people who counted the most, not kids in my case, but close family, extensively. From there, it is difficult to keep the motivation to continue, because of the loss of anchoring. The pursuit is freewheeling, searching for justification, because part of you is lost.

First, we have resistance as a first reflex, then comes wear. When unfortunate circumstances are added, the devastation can be overwhelming.

It's also one thing to be suicidal with opportunities to turn things around, but it's another thing to be aware of having an expiration date, especially when the deadline seems close.

You shouldn't blame yourself for being in a state of petrification. It is not livable to have to accept your own defeat prematurely.

In view of the circumstances, I think that you are doing your best to remain dignified and bring value, as you do among us, despite the fact that you are plunged into the abyss, with the bottom hiding under your feet. At these depths, the lights to cling to are rare.

Still, I have the impression that your nature is rather transcendental under the appearance of capitulation. Resilience is not too far away. You have outdone yourself before, it can't leave you indifferent.

If this time you are too close to the wall to see, it's certainly your right and power to send everything waltz. However indeed, for lack of inspiration, you can let yourself be carried by the current, until perhaps catching a wave which will bring you back to shore.

I regret not being the Wizard of Oz with recovery offers, I can just show my compassion.

That is some of the deepest shit I've read in a while now. Thank you so much for that, there is alot of truth in it and it's honestly hard to respond to.

I dunno where to go next. I'm going to atleast half heartedly try. I still don't see this ending well and my premonitions are usually on point.

I pray to the Gods that I get lucky and squeek past as I have before. But it's still hard to escape this feeling of inevitability.

This thread has become more of a journal and rant, but that's kinda what it was intended for.

 

[enjolras]

Hey, I myself hate to receive massive walls of text cause of the weight, which my fucked-up self analyses as debt. Don't hurt your brain if nothing comes out. It's all meant as a unilateral gift. :)

"Half-heartidly try" ...well it's already admitting you refuse and say no. It's important cause it's a decision. I believe you're more worth than simply vanish, cornered. In the state you are, I believe that putting yourself again in movement can be a massive achievement. Often, the rest comes by itself. Because there's usually so little that can be predicted in advance.
kidding myself at giving lessons here cause I'm doing no better, quarter trying with hesitation atm but it's enough for more perspectives to reveal themselves. Alas, now it seems you're in need to break a vicious circle...
You're not fully convincing when stating you don't care. You seem to be a genuine well-rounded person with lots of varied potential, probably more or less aware of your qualities, so I'm not trusting it's easy to ditch this persona in the trashcan without some rebellion.

Concretely, you mentioned that you're a coder, and an industrial artist too ? About cash, if you'd have to win some time for better opportunities, isn't there a massive demand of programming work as a freelancer ? I keep seeing propagandas on YT about this field

I'm also an intuitive person, with some neurones along the way, with a tendency to overworry. That thought of inevitability is indeed a killer. My certain deadline is more far than yours now (years if I want to) but the futur as an outcast is still very much obsessing me with distress. It takes a lot of time & forgiveness to tame the internal distorsions of will/hope versus actual possibilities. There's a lot of mourning to proceed and it doesn't happen overnight. If my deadline was close, and sometimes it was more than others, I was and would be in panic / statue / destructive mode because I dislike to not be in control of choice. Courage.

That said, I trust you're realistically on alert ...may the Gods be with you: the greek ones, the slavic ones, the hindu ones, any you need And if you decide to call it quit, then, do it in style, be (the fucking) it !