Venting booking the hotel feel like I'm having a breakdown

[february in alaska]

I don't know if it's SI kicking in again or I'm just being an idiot some part of me just wants to call my mom and explain everything. I've got nothing left to do in life I don't have a reason to keep fighting and I know with a certainty that it's not going to get better. at some point they're going to find out I haven't been to classes or done university work this entire semester. its all falling apart anyway. I was supposed to be taking SN tonight

and before anyone says "well clearly you don't want to CTB then" there is no part of me that wants to live or has any desire to get better. I just want to stop feeling like this. and the only way to get out is to go through with it. god. I just need this to be out of my hands. I would do anything for some freak accident to take me out right now. literally anything. today has been so genuinely awful I don't even know what to say

I'm still all worried about my cat, I'm going to CTB in a hotel so my body is found faster and she won't go days without getting taken care of. I just don't want the police to come into my apartment before my parents can and scare her or accidentally hurt her or something. I still don't know what to do. And I seriously doubt I'm going to be able to get the benzos in time so I don't know if it's worth paying $300 for them. booking the hotel in advance has been a nightmare and it feels like I'm shopping for my own coffin. like why does all of this have to be on ME? why do I have to make all these decisions for myself when it's been hard enough to decide to CTB

the whole point of me giving up on everything was so I could spend my last days the way I wanted to and not have to worry about all of it but it's all crashing down around me and now I'm trapped between something that is already hard and something that is going to get me locked up and stuck in this fucking hellscape for another decade and I'm tired of lying to everyone and keeping up the act that I'm doing totally great I don't know how to fix any of this. I can't wait until my brain turns off and all of this goes away

 

[INTJme]

You're clearly overwhelmed. Drink a glass of water first (or maybe just a sip) and put on some calming music.

 

[wildflowers1996]

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain :(

"some part of me just wants to call my mom and explain everything" - what would you think would happen if you did this? would it help you feel less overwhelmed, alone? would it give you some relief to talk with her? x

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Failing university classes isn't the end of the world. Would really nobody of your family understand this? It's a tough situation. Only thing you can do is trying to calm down and think about it. You'll have to make your decision in the end. We're here for you!

 

[february in alaska]

Welp, gave myself a raging headache but a little more calm now. Sorry for mid panic attack posting. I'm clearly a professional at thinking too much and spiraling over everything

"some part of me just wants to call my mom and explain everything" - what would you think would happen if you did this? would it help you feel less overwhelmed, alone? would it give you some relief to talk with her? x

It's okay, thank you for the kind words though. Hopefully this is just a passing feeling... I've definitely been swinging between extremes lately

And unfortunately, I doubt it would help. My parents already know I've had close calls in the past so there's a chance they would immediately jump to a code red. My mom would uproot her entire life, I would worry everyone, they would try to get me in a facility, and I would never be left alone. It would probably be a year or more before I'd even have an opportunity again. It just feels pointless to drag it out and hurt them even more when I have no plans to get better. I also feel kind of obligated to work through this on my own since I'm the one who's causing all of it in the first place

 

[wildflowers1996]

:(
" I also feel kind of obligated to work through this on my own since I'm the one who's causing all of it in the first place" - do you think your parents would want you to feel you had to keep things to yourself?

 

[Zegers]

Most likely it's the SI kicking, before i had the method i was quite determined but having it... i feel tremendously numb, I feel it's a SI mechanism.

 

[february in alaska]

:(
" I also feel kind of obligated to work through this on my own since I'm the one who's causing all of it in the first place" - do you think your parents would want you to feel you had to keep things to yourself?

No, but I don't want to obligated to drop everything to take care of me when I'm an adult, especially when I'm just going to end up CTBing someday anyway, you know? I know what you're saying, I just don't feel like it will do any good for them

Most likely it's the SI kicking, before i had the method i was quite determined but having it... i feel tremendously numb, I feel it's a SI mechanism.

I feel this one. Now that I've got everything I need on hand I feel more uneasy than ever. I hate not being able to tell the difference between biological SI and my own genuine desires, they're both so strong but they completely contradict each other

 

[voidstar]

I'm not sure if it's an option for you but maybe a delayed/scheduled email to your parents with the plea to quickly go get your cat? Something along those lines?
I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain.

 

[rozeske]

@february in alaska sorry am just seeing this after a few days. How are you feeling? I hope you are managing your days better

 

[february in alaska]

I'm not sure if it's an option for you but maybe a delayed/scheduled email to your parents with the plea to quickly go get your cat? Something along those lines?
I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain.

The semantics of it are just complicated because I'm the only one with a key and I think they would find out about me CTB'ing first and I doubt she would be a priority after that. Blegh. I've even considered taking her with me to the hotel and then putting her in the hotel bathroom with a note on the outside so at least someone would find her immediately. Or maybe finding a cat sitter type person to take her to their house for a few days.

If I take her anywhere unfamiliar she's going to be incredibly stressed no matter what, so nothing sounds great. I still don't know. Thank you though

@february in alaska sorry am just seeing this after a few days. How are you feeling? I hope you are managing your days better

Ups and downs, I can't think too hard about it anymore. Just gotta get through it I think. Appreciate you asking though <3 I don't know if you're in a similar situation or anything? I hope things are going as okay as they can for you too

 

[voidstar]

I wouldn't take her to the hotel with you, that's for sure just unnecessary stress for her and the risk of escaping once they find you. Animals are not a huge priority mostly :(
The option of a cat-sitter sounds promising, does your housing situation have the option to enter with a key/guest key/code? In that case you could leave her in her familiar environment.
Or a cat pension?

 

[february in alaska]

I wouldn't take her to the hotel with you, that's for sure just unnecessary stress for her and the risk of escaping once they find you. Animals are not a huge priority mostly :(
The option of a cat-sitter sounds promising, does your housing situation have the option to enter with a key/guest key/code? In that case you could leave her in her familiar environment.
Or a cat pension?

Yeah. You're right about the hotel thing. My brain feels too fried to think through any of this logically, haha. I might tell an apartment neighbor I'm going out of town for a couple days and if they could check in with her or something. If I leave for the hotel later at night, I would be found the next morning, and hopefully if I leave a note my dad will come and get her, so that would only be 15ish hours alone. Leave her extra food hidden around the place maybe

 

[voidstar]

Yeah. You're right about the hotel thing. My brain feels too fried to think through any of this logically, haha. I might tell an apartment neighbor I'm going out of town for a couple days and if they could check in with her or something. If I leave for the hotel later at night, I would be found the next morning, and hopefully if I leave a note my dad will come and get her, so that would only be 15ish hours alone. Leave her extra food hidden around the place maybe

Also depending on if you wipe your phone you could schedule a message to your dad reminding him about her! An email could get overlooked for a few days but a SMS should catch his attention. It wouldn't hurt to double up on the notifications, for her sake.
Placing a few food bowls would be good if you go this route.

 

[offbalance]

I don't know if it's SI kicking in again or I'm just being an idiot some part of me just wants to call my mom and explain everything. I've got nothing left to do in life I don't have a reason to keep fighting and I know with a certainty that it's not going to get better. at some point they're going to find out I haven't been to classes or done university work this entire semester. its all falling apart anyway. I was supposed to be taking SN tonight

and before anyone says "well clearly you don't want to CTB then" there is no part of me that wants to live or has any desire to get better. I just want to stop feeling like this. and the only way to get out is to go through with it. god. I just need this to be out of my hands. I would do anything for some freak accident to take me out right now. literally anything. today has been so genuinely awful I don't even know what to say

I'm still all worried about my cat, I'm going to CTB in a hotel so my body is found faster and she won't go days without getting taken care of. I just don't want the police to come into my apartment before my parents can and scare her or accidentally hurt her or something. I still don't know what to do. And I seriously doubt I'm going to be able to get the benzos in time so I don't know if it's worth paying $300 for them. booking the hotel in advance has been a nightmare and it feels like I'm shopping for my own coffin. like why does all of this have to be on ME? why do I have to make all these decisions for myself when it's been hard enough to decide to CTB

the whole point of me giving up on everything was so I could spend my last days the way I wanted to and not have to worry about all of it but it's all crashing down around me and now I'm trapped between something that is already hard and something that is going to get me locked up and stuck in this fucking hellscape for another decade and I'm tired of lying to everyone and keeping up the act that I'm doing totally great I don't know how to fix any of this. I can't wait until my brain turns off and all of this goes away

If it's any help, I'm just going to think in my last moments "if you stay alive what are you really gonna do?" Likely it will be the same as before because depression has hampered everything. All I do is sleep and browse these forums. Not encouraging you to CTB but that helps me feel calmer about it all.
(Of course, I have somewhat of a belief in the afterlife so that helps too)
My conscience also feels compelled to put in this post that if there's any sliver in you that wants to actually get better, maybe you should follow up on it. Not encouraging you to CTB.

 

[rozeske]

Ups and downs, I can't think too hard about it anymore. Just gotta get through it I think. Appreciate you asking though <3 I don't know if you're in a similar situation or anything? I hope things are going as okay as they can for you too

Ya unfortunately am in a similar kind of situation. It really is hard isn't it? I am an anxious person too even for the simplest mundane activities and this is a big decision and not an easy one for sure. Make sure it is what you definitely want and try and distinguish if this is because you want to keep going or if it's your SI using your weak spot and fighting you off. Am wishing you all the best in those difficult moments

 

[Mayonaise]

If I leave for the hotel later at night, I would be found the next morning, and hopefully if I leave a note my dad will come and get her, so that would only be 15ish hours alone. Leave her extra food hidden around the place maybe

Hate to be "that guy", but I doubt your father will bother checking on your cat the same day you'll pass. I guess he'll be so distressed he won't even think about it. Are cat-sitters or pet boardings still an option? I just read your latest posts and it seems like you are going soon.
Anyway, I dropped by also because I wanted to send some love your way. Hope it brings some comfort

 

[february in alaska]

Hate to be "that guy", but I doubt your father will bother checking on your cat the same day you'll pass. I guess he'll be so distressed he won't even think about it. Are cat-sitters or pet boardings still an option? I just read your latest posts and it seems like you are going soon.
Anyway, I dropped by also because I wanted to send some love your way. Hope it brings some comfort

It's okay, I kind of figure. Thanks for your kind words too.

My brother and my dad still live together, I'm sure they'll both be going through the same kind of thing but I'm hoping they can help each other until my mom gets back and even if my dad can't bear to do it my brother will have the mind to. I'm going to be leaving a big note with me (separate from the rest of my goodbye notes) that has my full address and my apartment keys and says for someone to go get her and take care of her.

I've looked into other options, pretty much all of them require time to get documents/vaccination checks and that sort of thing. It's just not going to work out. I feel awful about it but I also hate the idea of sending my cat to an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people because she's very easily stressed in new environments. I still might tell a next door neighbor if they could check in on her just in case but I really think my dad/brother will pick her up in 24 hours at the very most. Especially because my apartment is very close to the hotel I'm going to die at/the hospital I will presumably be taken to, so I think they'll drop by regardless

Sorry I'm rambling at this point haha. I'm relying a lot on assumptions, I don't know how it's going to go down ultimately, but I'm also past the point where I can really put too much energy into figuring it out any more than that

 

[Mayonaise]

Seems like you put some real effort in trying to manage the aftermath. Having lived with cats for most of my life I know how stressed they get when put into unfamiliar environments, so I agree with you. Maybe the neighbor option is not so bad after all