hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 37
So um this is weird to say but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself no matter how much I want to and have decided to get better. The issue now is I really was not expecting to be alive this long and I still have no interest in being alive but I know for sure I won't kill myself. So like I wouldn't mind being hit by a bus but like I wouldn't jump in front of it either even if my brain is constantly telling me to jump. That's kind of the mental state i'm in right now.
I guess I do have things I want and goals I'd like to achieve but like they don't really seem worth the effort. Like a good life for me would be to be a comic artist who makes a living from their work and has a show based on it. I'd also like to live in a neigbhourhood with lots of nature and pretty plants, and where everything is within walking distance like grocery stores and libraries and when I want to go farther I can hop on a bus. I'd like to have my family and freinds nearby so I can see them whenever. This is honestly super important because my sister will be moving out soon and I'm feeling sick thinking that she's really going to live a life seperate from mine. Like I won't just be chilling and waiting for her to come back from work every day. It's so sickening. I'm happy she's becoming independent but I'm gonna miss her so much and she's not even that far, I just do not have the energy (or resources since I don't own a car nor want to drive at all) to see her.
I told my therapist and she said it's not even a difficult wish but honestly it is for me cause all these things can't exist simultaneously plus like I said earlier, I'm not interested in putting in the effort to achieve these goals or get things I want. I want an electric bike and bikelanes but the moment I think about doing advocacy work for bike lanes or getting a job to afford said bike I just default to killing myself cause putting in the work for me to enjoy life seems like too much work. I want to be a successful artist or hell i'll settle for web developer or programmer(in my fantasy life at least) but I hate even practicing for either or putting in any work for it. I also don't enjoy my current routine off living with my parents while having no job either because one, it just seems like a waste to be alive if i'm not passionate about anyting and two, I have no independce and I don't want to live independently on my parents dime cause I know they'll get old one day and I want to be able to take care of them, also in general chilling at home sleeping all day while my mum works 12 hours shifts and my dad is always working cause his job isn't a typical 9-5 makes me want to puke.
So my issue is I have no desire to do anything with my life but I'm also too much off a pussy to kill myself so I can relieve my parents of the burden that is my existence. I just wish I was never born at all. aborted preferably. I didn't ask to be born. I hate that I have to do something with myself because my parents decided to give birth to me. Like it really is put in effort to be alive, be a parasite or kill myself. I hate this so much. If it was possible I would off myself in a heartbeat to avoid this stress but a part of me deep down wants to live and experience passion and joy and I want to have drive to accomplish things. goals that i'd do anything to achieve. It's not just the part of me that scared of dying and going to hell that stops me from killing myself. I really do want to try living. I just really also have no desire to live either. But I want to feel that desire. I want to feel like I have so much to achieve and so much to do. I'm so envious of people who try so hard for their goals even if it means doing things people don't like.
I'm envious of my parents for wanting a better life and wealth and wanting a better life for their kids that they left the comfort of their home country and their families to come here. I'm envious of my brothers that love playing games so much they're willing to hide or get my parents mad just so they can play them. I'm envious of my sister who wanted to be independent so bad, she takes the car to work daily even though others might need it because she doesn't feel bad about relying on our parents to become independent. I'm really envious of people who go to bed excited about what may happen tomorrow. And despite this seething envy, I do nothing but lie in bed all day or just go through my life on autopilot. Watching everyone move on with their lives while I do nothing with myself makes me hate myself so much. But all I do is complain, sleep, eat, complain, sleep, eat, complain.
I don't even know how i've made it this far. I really can't recall how i've been living my life honestly. It just feels like my life has been a cycle of waiting for me to start living while i go through the motions. I had more drive in high school cause I fully believed once I got into MIT the rest of my life would just fall into place. I'd have a good job, make a lot of money, and buy my parents a nice house and give them money so they'll never have to work again. I didn't even think about how I'd live or what I want. My life's purpose was just to live a life my parents would be proud of. But I didn't get in and the school I got into proved to be much harder than I thought. And at my lowest my parents were not supportive at all. They said it was all my fault cause I act like a know it all that's why i failed. But that's farther from the truth. It only got harder since then. I've since dropped out of that school and switched to another but i just realised I really don't like doing things like engineering or physics, i prefer art, design and some forms of web dev and coding cause it comes easier to me.
It really sucks that my idea of a good life doesn't align with what my parents would like for me but the part that makes me the most mad is, neither my goal of making my parents happy or my goal of living a simple life as an artist are worth it enough for me to do one in spite of the other. Instead I just do none of them. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. I don't know why my brain is like this. I just wish I could have a definite goal for me. With the steps laid out, something i could rely on. If I knew for sure what happens when I die, I would decide if I want to die. As far as I know, if I kill myself I'm going to hell. The only other alternative is that i disapear and there is no heaven and hell, which is unfathomable to me cause i'm catholic. If someone told me there is a community that has everything you want and if you make so amount of money, you can live there and move your entire family from your home country there and your best friend and even fall in love then i'd be like sure sign me up but alas nothing in life is certain but death and even then what happens after is uncertain.
I don't know if this should've been in the suicide discussion but I put it in recovery cause I'm 100 percent sure i'm not killing myself. Even when I choose a method to go, it will only be for like something completely hopeless like if my parents kick me out or pass away (God forbid that happens to them before they're old). So yeah I'll stay alive as long as i'm not homeless or chronically ill, or lose my family.
Sorry if this is long and all over the place. I just had to put my messy thoughts into words.
I guess I do have things I want and goals I'd like to achieve but like they don't really seem worth the effort. Like a good life for me would be to be a comic artist who makes a living from their work and has a show based on it. I'd also like to live in a neigbhourhood with lots of nature and pretty plants, and where everything is within walking distance like grocery stores and libraries and when I want to go farther I can hop on a bus. I'd like to have my family and freinds nearby so I can see them whenever. This is honestly super important because my sister will be moving out soon and I'm feeling sick thinking that she's really going to live a life seperate from mine. Like I won't just be chilling and waiting for her to come back from work every day. It's so sickening. I'm happy she's becoming independent but I'm gonna miss her so much and she's not even that far, I just do not have the energy (or resources since I don't own a car nor want to drive at all) to see her.
I told my therapist and she said it's not even a difficult wish but honestly it is for me cause all these things can't exist simultaneously plus like I said earlier, I'm not interested in putting in the effort to achieve these goals or get things I want. I want an electric bike and bikelanes but the moment I think about doing advocacy work for bike lanes or getting a job to afford said bike I just default to killing myself cause putting in the work for me to enjoy life seems like too much work. I want to be a successful artist or hell i'll settle for web developer or programmer(in my fantasy life at least) but I hate even practicing for either or putting in any work for it. I also don't enjoy my current routine off living with my parents while having no job either because one, it just seems like a waste to be alive if i'm not passionate about anyting and two, I have no independce and I don't want to live independently on my parents dime cause I know they'll get old one day and I want to be able to take care of them, also in general chilling at home sleeping all day while my mum works 12 hours shifts and my dad is always working cause his job isn't a typical 9-5 makes me want to puke.
So my issue is I have no desire to do anything with my life but I'm also too much off a pussy to kill myself so I can relieve my parents of the burden that is my existence. I just wish I was never born at all. aborted preferably. I didn't ask to be born. I hate that I have to do something with myself because my parents decided to give birth to me. Like it really is put in effort to be alive, be a parasite or kill myself. I hate this so much. If it was possible I would off myself in a heartbeat to avoid this stress but a part of me deep down wants to live and experience passion and joy and I want to have drive to accomplish things. goals that i'd do anything to achieve. It's not just the part of me that scared of dying and going to hell that stops me from killing myself. I really do want to try living. I just really also have no desire to live either. But I want to feel that desire. I want to feel like I have so much to achieve and so much to do. I'm so envious of people who try so hard for their goals even if it means doing things people don't like.
I'm envious of my parents for wanting a better life and wealth and wanting a better life for their kids that they left the comfort of their home country and their families to come here. I'm envious of my brothers that love playing games so much they're willing to hide or get my parents mad just so they can play them. I'm envious of my sister who wanted to be independent so bad, she takes the car to work daily even though others might need it because she doesn't feel bad about relying on our parents to become independent. I'm really envious of people who go to bed excited about what may happen tomorrow. And despite this seething envy, I do nothing but lie in bed all day or just go through my life on autopilot. Watching everyone move on with their lives while I do nothing with myself makes me hate myself so much. But all I do is complain, sleep, eat, complain, sleep, eat, complain.
I don't even know how i've made it this far. I really can't recall how i've been living my life honestly. It just feels like my life has been a cycle of waiting for me to start living while i go through the motions. I had more drive in high school cause I fully believed once I got into MIT the rest of my life would just fall into place. I'd have a good job, make a lot of money, and buy my parents a nice house and give them money so they'll never have to work again. I didn't even think about how I'd live or what I want. My life's purpose was just to live a life my parents would be proud of. But I didn't get in and the school I got into proved to be much harder than I thought. And at my lowest my parents were not supportive at all. They said it was all my fault cause I act like a know it all that's why i failed. But that's farther from the truth. It only got harder since then. I've since dropped out of that school and switched to another but i just realised I really don't like doing things like engineering or physics, i prefer art, design and some forms of web dev and coding cause it comes easier to me.
It really sucks that my idea of a good life doesn't align with what my parents would like for me but the part that makes me the most mad is, neither my goal of making my parents happy or my goal of living a simple life as an artist are worth it enough for me to do one in spite of the other. Instead I just do none of them. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. I don't know why my brain is like this. I just wish I could have a definite goal for me. With the steps laid out, something i could rely on. If I knew for sure what happens when I die, I would decide if I want to die. As far as I know, if I kill myself I'm going to hell. The only other alternative is that i disapear and there is no heaven and hell, which is unfathomable to me cause i'm catholic. If someone told me there is a community that has everything you want and if you make so amount of money, you can live there and move your entire family from your home country there and your best friend and even fall in love then i'd be like sure sign me up but alas nothing in life is certain but death and even then what happens after is uncertain.
I don't know if this should've been in the suicide discussion but I put it in recovery cause I'm 100 percent sure i'm not killing myself. Even when I choose a method to go, it will only be for like something completely hopeless like if my parents kick me out or pass away (God forbid that happens to them before they're old). So yeah I'll stay alive as long as i'm not homeless or chronically ill, or lose my family.
Sorry if this is long and all over the place. I just had to put my messy thoughts into words.
