I tried to quell my brain by working out. In a year and a half, I transformed my body. I am strong and fit. Yet here I am, unable to cope with adulthood. The financial responsibility, the guilt of disappointing myself constantly, the incessant self deprecation, the mornings in bed, the isolation. I wasn't supposed to be here for this long. My first attempt was as a child with a plastic bag. I've been doomed for a long time.
But bit by bit, the fear has become still. When I was having a hysterical moment crying to myself the realisation hit, "this is something you can complete for once" and I found great clarity and peace in the thought. I was also laughing at how absurd it would be to use a resistance band as that's what's currently available. But anyway, execution - operational protocol. Step by step, bit by bit.
Make sure the apartment is clean and well suited for my landlord.
Give away the items.
Burn the journals.
Wipe the computers.
Delete the cloud accounts.
Delete the emails.
Expunge everything.
I've already found a solid foster for my cat months ago. She's well adjusted and comfortable.
The hardest part for me is knowing there's an aftermath. I want to minimise traumatising others with my body. That's the part that I am still wrestling with.
Everything else is just logistics.
But bit by bit, the fear has become still. When I was having a hysterical moment crying to myself the realisation hit, "this is something you can complete for once" and I found great clarity and peace in the thought. I was also laughing at how absurd it would be to use a resistance band as that's what's currently available. But anyway, execution - operational protocol. Step by step, bit by bit.
Make sure the apartment is clean and well suited for my landlord.
Give away the items.
Burn the journals.
Wipe the computers.
Delete the cloud accounts.
Delete the emails.
Expunge everything.
I've already found a solid foster for my cat months ago. She's well adjusted and comfortable.
The hardest part for me is knowing there's an aftermath. I want to minimise traumatising others with my body. That's the part that I am still wrestling with.
Everything else is just logistics.
