Bipolar Xanax and Heroine to ctb. Thoughts?

[Cm96]

So recently I am trying to accept the diagnosis of Bi-Polar with psychotic features. Ive had my first episode at 19 and have had one each year up to now (age 24). Anyways, during my manic episodes I lose touch with reality and have all of these crazy delusions. I have believed I was the next messiah, I believed I was receiving secret messages through music videos. I thought people on live tv were directly talking to me. Shit you only hear of.

My last episode I was convinced eminem sought me out and was sending me secret messages. That I had connections to Elon Musk. Just absolutely bonkers stuff.

I'm sorry for the long read.

But what comes with this is just a decline in cognitive function, especially after each episode. It says your grey matter shrinks. And believe me I can notice. I'm 24 but feel as though I was 12 in the sense of my mental capabilities.

I have been arrested more times than I can count, and currently have 7 open cases. All of my trouble with the law eventually resolves itself due to my mental illness. Luckily. But it will haunt my record forever.

I have horrible social anxiety, and any relationship I've had from highschool or from a year in college is shit. I've ruined my relations with many people during my manic phases, and when I come out of it, my cognitive dysfunction can't even explain what had happened.

Long story short I live in a small town, where I have publicly embarrassed myself numerous times. I just came off my worst manic episode and I'm still repairing the damage.

I can't take it anymore. I have nothing but anhedonia and avolition, zero drive to socialize and when I do it's awkward. I cannot see myself ever living independently, let alone being happy.

I have been having suicidal thoughts daily for years. I was going to go with the low suspension hanging last year , but was too scared to become a vegetable. I highly considered drowning in a lake nearby, but I just don't think I would go through 100%, plus the agony. And I don't have access to a gun.

I do have access to unlimited xanax bars and heroine, (not a dealer, just easy to get.) Anyways, I've been thinking about this way out for the past three weeks now. I could swallow 25-50 xanax bars and sniff as much dope as I can before I pass out.

My question is, do you think it will be painful,? What are some possible complications. And I'm open to other ideas to ctb, this just seems the most logical. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. It means alot .

 

[Nymph]

We can't give you advice on how to ctb or possible alternatives and stuff. There's a lotta resources here and mega threads about opioid suicide and similar stuff. I recommend you do some research on your own cause we don't wanna get in trouble lol

 

[Spitfire]

I feel you regarding the delusion and hallucinations. These are difficult things to have to deal with when they start getting bad. I am sorry you have to do with them too.

I have met quite a few people who have overdosed on heroin and benzodiazepines throughout my life. I cannot recall any of them having ever complained of pain after they came out of it.

The major risk if this method fails for whatever reason.. is brain damage and a drastically reduced quality of life.

 

[Beeper]

So recently I am trying to accept the diagnosis of Bi-Polar with psychotic features. Ive had my first episode at 19 and have had one each year up to now (age 24). Anyways, during my manic episodes I lose touch with reality and have all of these crazy delusions. I have believed I was the next messiah, I believed I was receiving secret messages through music videos. I thought people on live tv were directly talking to me. Shit you only hear of.

My last episode I was convinced eminem sought me out and was sending me secret messages. That I had connections to Elon Musk. Just absolutely bonkers stuff.

I'm sorry for the long read.

But what comes with this is just a decline in cognitive function, especially after each episode. It says your grey matter shrinks. And believe me I can notice. I'm 24 but feel as though I was 12 in the sense of my mental capabilities.

I have been arrested more times than I can count, and currently have 7 open cases. All of my trouble with the law eventually resolves itself due to my mental illness. Luckily. But it will haunt my record forever.

I have horrible social anxiety, and any relationship I've had from highschool or from a year in college is shit. I've ruined my relations with many people during my manic phases, and when I come out of it, my cognitive dysfunction can't even explain what had happened.

Long story short I live in a small town, where I have publicly embarrassed myself numerous times. I just came off my worst manic episode and I'm still repairing the damage.

I can't take it anymore. I have nothing but anhedonia and avolition, zero drive to socialize and when I do it's awkward. I cannot see myself ever living independently, let alone being happy.

I have been having suicidal thoughts daily for years. I was going to go with the low suspension hanging last year , but was too scared to become a vegetable. I highly considered drowning in a lake nearby, but I just don't think I would go through 100%, plus the agony. And I don't have access to a gun.

I do have access to unlimited xanax bars and heroine, (not a dealer, just easy to get.) Anyways, I've been thinking about this way out for the past three weeks now. I could swallow 25-50 xanax bars and sniff as much dope as I can before I pass out.

My question is, do you think it will be painful,? What are some possible complications. And I'm open to other ideas to ctb, this just seems the most logical. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. It means alot .

Bumping an old thread.

I found this when searching for "Avolition" with the hope of finding people that can relate.

If anyone has had success with overcoming these challenges, please chime in.