manic-dream
Member
- Mar 22, 2024
- 20
I got diagnosed with bipolar (type one I guess) and it feels like a death sentence. I'm sorry but needing medication that makes me fat and/or messes with my body for the rest of my life is shit. I've been depressed and irritable since I got adjusted to the medication I am on. But I have to do it otherwise my "brain could be ruined". And I'm told I need to stop smoking weed because it makes mania worse when it's the only thing that can get me motivated at times to even get out of bed. I've been taking medication since I was a kid, it is shit.
I'd rather ruin myself at this point, I was fine for a year off all medication before stressors in my life became too much and all the trauma was too much. I am nineteen and I got a life ruining (for me) label that I don't want to deal with forever because I can't take medication forever. I've done so much googling and the only answer is meds and therapy.
In the beginning of the episode I was done and felt like I was being watched so I cut my wrist trying to get the radial artery, it didn't work. So you know what I did after I realized I wasn't going to die even with blood gushing and fat spilling. I picked myself up and cleaned myself up and waited until I can buy the bandaids. The attempt worsened my psychosis but so much happened before and after that it's hard to explain. There was a dead, skinned (pelt only) animal on a forest trail where it didn't make sense because it was the entrance of the trail. I love animals so that fucked me over because I knew a human had to of put it there. The first ER I was sent to too also was terrible where they took my underwear while I was sedated sleeping and I didn't even realize until later. Then I was sent to an inpatient that didn't really medicate me but they kept waking me up from sleeping until I just couldn't sleep anymore. The second ER and inpatient was okay but I got medication that actually does something now.
I am here now but I can't take meds for the rest of my life but that seems like the only option for me. I need a way out and I know how for myself I just need the motivation now.
Suffering in my own way is better than this, I wanted to kill myself since I was a kid but in that episode it was the first time I actually felt like I wanted to live and figure myself out and just fucking try even though I still felt bad. I did the wrong things I guess but it was also right in a way. It just got too much when my family thought I was completely out of control and no one would help me in the way I say I would help. No one would help me even find a body doctor before a new psychiatrist which really hurt, I haven't seen a doctor in years and that's not good I got problems.
I'd rather have my brain go but that's not viable when people want me to live so badly. They won't even let me go homeless lol.
I do remember from my manic episode the happiness I felt IN MY BODY, it's hard accepting that I will probably not feel that again. I haven't felt happiness in so long it was having to have that.
I'd rather ruin myself at this point, I was fine for a year off all medication before stressors in my life became too much and all the trauma was too much. I am nineteen and I got a life ruining (for me) label that I don't want to deal with forever because I can't take medication forever. I've done so much googling and the only answer is meds and therapy.
In the beginning of the episode I was done and felt like I was being watched so I cut my wrist trying to get the radial artery, it didn't work. So you know what I did after I realized I wasn't going to die even with blood gushing and fat spilling. I picked myself up and cleaned myself up and waited until I can buy the bandaids. The attempt worsened my psychosis but so much happened before and after that it's hard to explain. There was a dead, skinned (pelt only) animal on a forest trail where it didn't make sense because it was the entrance of the trail. I love animals so that fucked me over because I knew a human had to of put it there. The first ER I was sent to too also was terrible where they took my underwear while I was sedated sleeping and I didn't even realize until later. Then I was sent to an inpatient that didn't really medicate me but they kept waking me up from sleeping until I just couldn't sleep anymore. The second ER and inpatient was okay but I got medication that actually does something now.
I am here now but I can't take meds for the rest of my life but that seems like the only option for me. I need a way out and I know how for myself I just need the motivation now.
Suffering in my own way is better than this, I wanted to kill myself since I was a kid but in that episode it was the first time I actually felt like I wanted to live and figure myself out and just fucking try even though I still felt bad. I did the wrong things I guess but it was also right in a way. It just got too much when my family thought I was completely out of control and no one would help me in the way I say I would help. No one would help me even find a body doctor before a new psychiatrist which really hurt, I haven't seen a doctor in years and that's not good I got problems.
I'd rather have my brain go but that's not viable when people want me to live so badly. They won't even let me go homeless lol.
I do remember from my manic episode the happiness I felt IN MY BODY, it's hard accepting that I will probably not feel that again. I haven't felt happiness in so long it was having to have that.
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