Bipolar depression is the worst thing possible because hope is not dead

[DerTod]

I envy the people who lost all hope and made their choice to CTB. For me there are days of intense despair followed by days/moments when i tell to myself that my situation can change as long as i want to and i put in the work. However i don't put in any work and i'm not really sure i want change...i keep telling to myself that i will fail eventually even after i try...so i don't even try. Years pass and i stay in the same place doing nothing.When i was little without having depression i used to look at myself in the mirror and think that i will end my own life someday...at 25...i'm 37 now and i feel super old. Maybe i should go now before i get even older,before i catch some nasty disease( there is cancer and diabetes in my family) before reliable N source disappears. If i do it now there will be nobody to really suffer because of my death. I have no friends and my parents are de-humanized( mother by religion and father by mental illness).

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. That sounds really tiring what you are going through. I think that hope often just leads to more suffering, it can be painful losing hope. I would personally rather ctb than die from a disease, cancer sounds like such a horrible way to die. It is awful how so many health conditions exist. I wish you the best in whatever happens, I hope you find relief from your suffering.

 

[its-about-time]

Bipolar too. I don't care anymore. Sure I'll probably swing up sooner or later and feel different. Still suicidal in those times but it's less depressing. But I'm sick of the cycle itself, not just the depression.

 

[Hurt]

I prefer to be bipolar rather than only depressive. At least I had periods of mania in which I enjoy life. But that hope sensation my seem false during a depressive episode.

 

[hankbank3928]

I'm sorry for your suffering, I hope you find peace.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

Bipolar 2 here and 39. I used to have ambition and like this drive to do something (namely writing) but then it just withered up and died. Even in my "highs" I am not happy just out of control. I hate this sickness because no one believes it's real and they just say shit like "change your outlook." My outlook is not the problem, the literal wiring in my brain is fucked up.

 

[TheCrowCalls]

I've been recently diagnosed with Bipolar aswell, I'm 26, have you guys been able to hold down a job?

I just got back from the hospital and am on short term disability. Not sure if I can handle the stress of going back to work … especially depressed