I think most mental illness is a life long battle that can never truely be overcome
Agreed. Addiction, depression, OCD. Forget it. Fatal. The prognosis is clear to me.
I feel like my mental conditions are very fragile and that life is just a balancing act in which one such as myself must constantly stay very focused. Determination, strain, maximum effort, persistence and perseverance are what it takes just to not fall off. Falling off means losing control of my behavior, thoughts and emotions. It could mean relapsing on drugs or poor behaviors. It could mean any kind of mental regression. And it's very easy for it to happen for me.
I feel I am much more prone to insanity and I am fighting against my destiny by forcing myself to stay clean and sober, keep a full time job and go to college to earn a degree. I like to call this lifestyle artificial selection - because as a depressed, obsessive-compulsive addict, naturally odds are against me. Natural selection, or destiny as I see it, hates me and has me suffering at the hands of misfortune.
So I'm a slave to following the rules of this balancing act which is sentenced to my life. It's like walking across a narrow wooden plank all the time. It's never comfortable and there is always the worry of falling off, because there is such a long way to fall. The degree to which one can fall compared to the degree which one can rise to me seems remarkably unbalanced in that there is much more of an extreme to the former.
So to sum it all up, I want to CTB because living life walking a wooden plank is horrible. Sure it beats falling off, but it's way too stressful. The plank never widens, gets sturdier or reaches a safe land. Normal people are cruising around on escalators and automatic walkways. The mentally ill get the plank. No matter how hard I try to maintain balance, inevitably something so small will stray my focus enough to have me in worry and despair. Lately I have been feeling so vulnerable in the sense that I could lose control of everything in a matter of instances, ending up being swept off my feet and dragged across the pavement.
And yet I am expected to buck up, be responsible and mature and do the right thing and I will eventually find my niche. I mean, what else is there to do but follow the rules? Oh yeah, CTB! Hooray!
Being fired, scammed, evicted, robbed, abused, making poor decisions, relapsing on harmful substances and behaviors, are all eminent threats which I believe will never dissolve for me. I am too wicked to rightfully succeed here.