Venting Open Journal [NSFW]

[PlannedforPeru]

PRELUDE:
I'm unsure if there is a more suitable place to post this so needless to say I am open to suggestions on where a better place to post is. This thread will just consist of posts from my journal when I was in Therapy so a lot of what I wrote when it refers to "you" is the therapist.

I'm not entirely sure why I feel the need to get this out there, whether it's to be seen or in hopes of those reading to feel less alone in their struggles. The content ahead is quite despairing so if you frequent the recovery section I'd recommend possibly not reading this thread. All the content was planned to be deleted or locked away from anyone else once I CTB but I've found so much compassion here from this community that I felt obligated to give something back, this is my fucked-up way of doing it I suppose.

Lastly, this is over the span of a few years, themes are recurring (so might get repetitive), and the bananas was how I separated entries. I realize a lot of the content here makes me look unlikeable, but I wanted it to be as raw and unedited as possible. In my opinion, I sound pretty narcissistic in some of this writing.

Edit: Will split into different posts when the timer allows.


JOURNAL:

Go to school? Okay. Get a job? Okay. Get on meds? Okay. Maintain and consciously be a better friend/family member? Okay. Try hobbies? Okay. Fix your sleep routine? Okay. Spend more time with loved ones? Okay. Go to therapy? Okay. Cut out unhealthy habits? Okay. Could I eat even better? Yes. Could I exercise more? Yes. Could I socialize more? Yes. Could I get more sunlight? Yes. Could I get a better job? Yes. Could I spend even more time with loved ones? Yes. I'm sorry I'm not an Olympic level athlete Nobel laureate but that doesn't seem to gatekeep most others from being content. At what point is my unhappiness considered valid and not a byproduct of not doing enough? At what point is my mind deemed sound enough to have suicidal ideation be seen as a rational option for my circumstances? If I choose to live an entire life, to my deathbed having carried the belief even after seeing the alternative to the end that suicide was still the best solution would my entire stance no matter the support be disregarded because it doesn't adhere to the status quo? I ask because I see this in people, you believe this is emotional, impulsive, a train of thought turned belief system stemming from a mental illness. If that's so, should the mentally ill's solutions (which are an adaption to their realities) be unworthy of consideration? I'm trusted to drive a car, I'm trusted to buy a gun, I'm trusted in my vote, I'm trusted with plenty of other responsibilities in life and in those my opinions are treated as equal, but my beliefs in autonomy are held with less regard? I'm sorry but that doesn't make sense, it should be viewed as differing for sure but not a stance negated with the justification that it was 'clouded by mental illness'. This ties into a lot of medical, philosophical, cultural, and ethical concepts that I'm certainly not the person to do the unraveling.

I lied last week, nothing didn't go on, my dog died and started carpooling to and from with a coworker. May be a lot to some and a little to others but the point is that my life is not unchanging, but my feelings are, and that's what matters to me. I can go for an out of state road trip, go on a date, get made fun of by a widely famous comedian and receive praise from a sizable business's chief execs but it doesn't make me feel like less shit. And I say this because it HAS happened within a short span of time I might add. I'm not saying these things to brag but to emphasize the claim that my discontentment is not a result of my supposed stagnation or monotonous routine. I genuinely believe it's either something I've not found yet or my neurobiology, which I'm heavily leaning towards the latter. Disregarding every experience and its lack of influence on my personal fulfillment up to this point would just be naive. Seems logical to me at least to conclude that the common factor here being myself, is the source of my emotional dissatisfaction not me lacking whatever is around the next corner.

There's this notion that you are somewhat responsible if not entirely responsible for your situation. There's this shared sentiment that we underestimate luck and overestimate the influence of personal agency. I understand why it's so, from a pessimistic standpoint the masses want you to contribute to a system in which they thrive in and were successfully able to form their own sort of meaning in even if it wasn't consciously. From an optimistic standpoint, you don't want to nip a bud from what could've been, discouraging someone who would've otherwise realized their potential.

I like to believe that I take a very balanced perspective on things alongside every other being on earth. As someone who has first handedly experienced my own life (knows the patterns and intricacies unaware to most) and has determined that suicide is the best solution to my problems, who else would have authority to better make that judgement?

I'm the insane one when the majority seems content with not ever taking into consideration that things can just as equally get worse instead of better. Even going as far as to disregard evidence in support of that prediction. The first of which is the opportunity for this supposed future goodness, literally diminishes by the day. Why, for someone who wishes it, is death bad? If it prevents any future potential happiness, then I just solved a problem living created, the desire for satisfaction/pleasure.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

The last discussion was on clarity, and what has become more clear to me. My response was my reality, my worldview, as I am less conflicted between my own beliefs and those imposed on me from my environment. I understand those who say it gets better, and it does for them because they seek it out, literally and they cling to ideas of betterment or their own interpreted indication of it THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT. It's clear to me that I in fact don't want it to get better and I sure as shit don't want to put in the effort for whatever desires I may have. I want the root cause of it to end, the desire for improvement, the good, the bad, all of it. Maybe drifting through the day to day I'll want otherwise. Right now, the problem is not the lack of whatever I desire but the human condition of desiring, and busting my fucking ass for what feels like a compromise is not my idea of better.

 

[tunnelV]

Nice Nice I will continue to follow and read your thoughts as long as you write them.

I noticed people who don't want to live anymore SEE reality for what it is. The people who are happy in life are in a delusion. That's the only way to be happy in earth a mental delusion.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

Progressive my fucking ass, I'm not going to suggest people encourage suicide but shaming it, is ridiculous. The mental gymnastics people will play to invalidate a worldview in support of suicide is Olympic level. The epitome of circular logic.

My opinion can't be sound because of X opinion, Y opinion is 'normal' and therefore sound, sounds to me like some shit that'd be said in the past two centuries.
Which socially rejecting an opinion that's in support of physical violation is fair game (saying the suicider is undergoing psychical violation is such low hanging fruit I won't even humor it ). But arguments:

1.) Anti-choice is a violation of freedom and personal autonomy
2.) It's consensual; your non-impairment has no bearing on their chronic illness, that's their permanent reality to make their choices in. Similar to how a wealthy person's privilege won't alleviate you of your woes (except in this case, the circumstances are even more set in stone).
3.) The victimless nature; causing emotional distress barring harassment breaks no laws and is tolerated in other aspects of society. The argument of inflicting direct suffering is only as effective as the argument directed towards parents for their responsibility in the involuntarily endured suffering of their offspring. Yet, we don't often see the former argument being scrutinized.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

The closest thing I had to expressed sexual interest is when I was molested as a kid. Honestly, feeling unwanted as a partner has been infinitely more emotionally damaging compared to the molestation. So for one, that could be considered a rejection. Undervalued as an employee, undesired as a job applicant. The above two further delay any chance of being a homeowner if I ever was to become one. I spend money on food, gas, and gifts. Haven't bought clothes for literal years, no subscriptions, treat myself to a movie or game like once every 3-4 months. I do not vacation. So "chemical imbalance aside" my life is not great. I feel rejected as a participant of civilized society and on a base level.

Honestly I'm at a point where I don't give a shit about how this looks, entitled or whatever the fuck. If you are somehow reading this after the fact come to whatever conclusion you wish. You're so culturally ingrained in America's ideology that you actually believe I could've taken a good path if I worked harder. To me it seems like encouragement to cling to every little success that could validate your efforts, even though the outcome likely fell short of the original vision. Better isn't good enough if I'm still looking up. Every day a testament to my efforts, each day is another day I endured to live an existence I'd wish to not be a part of. I'm sorry if I didn't exercise or socialize or diet or gratitude "hard enough". I'm tired of trying to translate and rationalize my chronically depressed mind to neurotypical person talk because they'll never get it, like I won't get the experience of someone with schizophrenia, but having lived the life of someone who is neurodivergent I can, with authority say it is not worth living to me. I want you to know this was not made impulsively. I have thought about this consistently for now coming up on a decade. "Harder" did not work for me in the past and I have little reason to believe it will change in the future. I did not get better or happier; I just lived longer. Each day has me feeling overall worse in the grand scheme and surer about my decision.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

⚠ I apologize to those who keep seeing this on the forum because of the constant bumping, I have to release this incrementally every hour or so to prevent the newer posts from merging with my previous posts.




Positive note, since I wanna try to appreciate the small things. Earbuds I bought recently made work more bearable. I laughed the hardest I did for a while today. I had my dogs open my brothers door with the laser pointer. I'm also thankful I didn't get pulled over from a series of bad luck

Mom roasting me -> left the house later -> garbage truck pulled in -> Cop pulled behind me

Also please don't make this stepping stones for bigger things. The best things come when they are not expected, not because the are otherwise the best things but because they are not expected. Anticipation has done me little good, and I don't want to expect for something that may not happen.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

Today wasn't bad I got off with a warning pulled over, I stayed out late with my boss. I'm noticeably more confident/secure.

Shower thoughts - life is a zero sum game (at least in some of the biggest factors influencing the direction in your life) a partner you have is a partner lost for someone else. A position you have is one more unavailable. A house you own is one door closed for another. For there to be winners there has to exist losers, and people should not rug sweep/victim blame just because the winners got theirs. Honestly, the luxury of the winners seems appealing but if it is at the cost of humility fuck that. Call it my value of 'slave morality' but the combination of bootstrapping and then turning around and patronizing/claiming moral superiority is just beyond pathetic.

If you think most people are poorer than you because they didn't work as hard as you, you are pathetic.

If you think most people who have more trouble getting friends is because of a moral shortcoming, you are pathetic.

If you think most people who struggle romantically suffer from moral skill issue, you know exactly what the fuck your schadenfreude engaging ass is.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

It's about maintaining a life, the effort is great and the reward is little.

Like really? I have to treat socializing and other things people do subconsciously like medicine, really? Tbh if I have to think about this shit I already lost.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

Edit: Generalization and outdated statistics ahead, I don't remember where I got my sources as this entry is from a while ago

I've been seeing this trend of what I would almost want to describe as victim blaming of the younger generation. For example, let's take the "loneliness epidemic"; older generations like to punch down and prescribe the solution of less time on social media and if they were in our shoes "they'd do x, y, z". Funnily it's not unlike those responses of people saying how they'd perform super hero feats to overcome another one's tragedy.

Example group of men sexually assaulted a Woman, nomad couple in India. Some responses from some were self-insert masturbatory fantasy of overcoming all odds. These people clearly lack empathy, critical thinking skills, and an understanding of the mechanisms of reality. The one thing they do have in excess is Privilege ! Luckily in this case the percentage was a minority, however it is not such for other topics. It's similar to this kind of joke with people who play games where it's like "if it was me I would've just done two backflips, uppercut the bad guy and then win" which is not too far off.

In today's age you have to work for what would have been high class resulting effort to achieve a middle-class lifestyle. 40% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck. 61% of young adults feel seriously lonely. These are issues that are not solely overcome with self-improvement. I and unfortunately many of today's youth live in a shitty environment to cultivate the facets of life the previous generations deemed meaningful. And I think this is showcased in mental health statistics.

I don't think I am very smart I'd like to believe I'm just a little more conscious, about my actions, its limitations, and too many things to the point of detriment. I guess the silver lining is I understand the source of my misery? Why should I have to make up the difference in effort because society decided not to pick up the slack. I against my comfort and natural inclinations, I choose to:

• work in the office
• stay present in social situations (avoid phone usage)
• be actively curious in the people I talk to
• stay positive (with the exception of therapy)
• involve myself with family or friends

But my fuckin' lord it's getting harder and harder. I don't expect to be rewarded for my efforts every step of the way but throw me a fucking bone here please. I'm surrounded by virtue signaling, just-world believing, survivorship biased people who shame me for my lack of efforts when truly it's just a lack of results.

I have no reason to believe they would be any better off in this environment than the one they were raised in which allowed them to thrive in the ways that they did.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

The thoughts always sound better in my head, when I try to focus on them they disappear like the shadow in the corner of your eye. The gist of it was that I am enslaved to the emotions of my body, I can try to shift against the waves in different directions but ultimately I'm at the mercy of the elements.

Take one aspect of my loneliness for example, a lot of it stems from the biological urges to reproduce (society's pressure only exacerbates it). Ultimately it's just a desire to quench my validation on a baser and societal level. A desire functioning just like any other being in this collection of organs. My conscious mind already decided I don't want kids and my body obviously won't accept that, so finding a partner with my life view serves no purpose beyond oxytocin… I guess. If I'm lacking in that why not take oxy? That's almost 1:1 effort and result, pretty much guaranteed. But nope, they'll want me to get it ways they deem natural (but SSRIs are fine?). They just set up these dumbass arbitrary parameters for how you SHOULD go about feeling good; most people follow it without even questioning it.

I can't even really empathize with them on this, they'd rather attempt to manage someone's methods of satiating their biological urges. Uhm, if these avenues are unlikely why not let them try for the more likely option? My articulation has decreased significantly fuck me.

My words cannot express my resentment to those who think every problem can be resolved through effort and that the act of trying the "right" or "natural" route alone is better (regardless of results); instead of trying to find some peace to satiate the human condition via other methods.

I will be dead and it'll be liberating. I sometimes feel pain and injustice about the fact that the ones that I felt most wronged by are the ones that'll hurt the least in the wake of my passing. Often, I'd fantasize about externalizing my pain on those during my way out to compensate for that wrongness. But they will continue to endure the human condition, and I won't be there to encourage or pay taxes or console or defend or anything else to ease their suffering akin to how they don't for mine now.

Edit: I was in a place of hurt when I wrote this. Coming back with a cooler head, I don't need to contribute further to the suffering of this world, near everyone is going through it one way or another.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

The anxiety is too much I actually cannot sleep, I didn't get much yesterday either. I'm worried this'll just be my experience with life. Miserable complacency or stressful exploration. And you can't say "no bro you just gotta bear with it until it doesn't become stressful anymore". That just achieves a new level of miserable complacency you moron. Hands down, the best things in life I didn't have to work hard for ya dolt. That nothing worth having is easy quote doesn't hold true in my experience.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

The day started off shitty but I'm trying to be apathetic to the whole dating thing, I might not be received better on the apps or meetups but tbh it's not worth the stress otherwise. So . I consoled in a friend, made plans to meet up with one this weekend, and spent a solid 5+ hours talking to my sister/cousin. Also, seeing my co-worker nerd out over her interests brought a smile to my face. I'm glad I can make people laugh and foster a non-judgmental space for people to open up about things that matter to them. Lastly, I'm just finishing up the night watching videos with my friends and I. Dying could still solve all of my problems, and it will eventually regardless, but I'll enjoy moments like these when I can.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

Talking to someone on a dating app has me questioning the purpose of it. I'm not really sure I want to date, I thought it'd be like a natural just happens kinda thing; but that's a smaller concern. Usually there are stages for a relationship biologically speaking and straying from that will punish me physiologically. I want long term no kids, those who want the same are needles in a hayfield. They either don't want kids and hookups or they want kids and relationship.

Q: Why don't you want kids?
A: Given heritable mental illnesses which increases the likelihood of them having it, to me it's not worth the gamble. This is putting aside the fact that children are some of if not the largest commitment even more so to do right.

With the right person I'd be more than happy to raise kids that are not my own: adoption, sperm donor, single mom…

Q: Why haven't you gotten a vasectomy if you are so strong in your convictions?
A: I understand that through phases of life beliefs and perspectives alter, and I do not want to inflict anything unto my body that could be near irreversible should my mind be changed. I share the same sentiments regarding tattoos/motorcycles (complicated).

Q: Why even date then if you don't want kids?
A: Biologically speaking, I think most people (I certainly do) long for a partner/companion whatever. Which is not to say an individual is exclusively a stand in to stave off urges, but if I enjoy being with them and them with I, why should I let an otherwise irrelevant self assigned principle??? rob that for either of us. Of course from there it's their choice.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

I'm astonished by the lengths people will go to to cling to life, while minimizing their pain.

When people wore the natural elements, they clothed themselves.

When people felt hunger they trial and errored their way into an edible menu.

When people died of dysentery or feel ill they crafted medicine to ease the pain.

When the bonded passed, the survivors made rituals to ease the pain.

When people lacked purpose or meaning, theologies were birthed to ease the pain.

An optimist could perceive this as a testament to human adaptability only made possible through our uniquely high level of consciousness. We dominate the animal pyramid despite having weak mammalian physical qualities. We've done soooooo much to minimize even the smallest of inconveniences that we can order a mate and dinner right from the comfort of our nest. Access to information that'd make the Library of Alexandria blush. Notice what I see? Rising mental health issues, increase in suicide rates, increase in antidepressant prescriptions.

My opinion is often deemed invalid for my anhedonia, or I guess more specifically an insufficiency in my dopamine levels naturally if I had to self-diagnose. Ironically, in this mutation I feel as though I am uniquely qualified in my perspective of the world and our part in it as I can draw my conclusions independently from otherwise typical reward circuitry.

People agree with my stance logically when not impaired by temporary relief. It's picked up in the small things:

"Life is unfair."
"Nobody gets through life unscathed."
"They are in a better place now."
The entire concept of escapism

Yet they decide to procreate because their pre-partum ignorance or the pressure (from culture, family, biology) predated the logical train of thought if ever realized in their lives. Pointing to their offspring as counter evidence to anti-natalism is post hoc rationalization, as ultimately it was a gamble and a "win".

Introducing a non-existent entity to suffering is not in the best interest of the child but instead the parent. As the non-existent would have avoided suffering meanwhile not have been deprived of pleasure. I'm convinced that they excluded suffering from the other two certainty's of life because it's not favorable to introduce these notions to workers meant to maintain a system. They'll chase a fairytale for as long as humanity exists. Animals aren't programmed to be happy, they are programmed to survive. This utopia doesn't exist, it's impossible. More impossible than the chances of there being an afterlife. The closest thing to a complete minimization of human suffering is total extinction. But the surviving population will never see it that way because the lifestyle of the average person is not derived from logic but instead fitness enhancing behaviors by biological impulses. Resources are finite, entropy exists, and you don't solve suffering by creating more instances where it can be enabled.

Edit: I speak as though I am exempt, not true. The spark/catalyst for my personal solution was a pain avoiding behavior which derives from some biological mechanism.

You have to create a need for happiness in order for it to be satisfied. Not experiencing joy does not harm the nonexistent, however being created and suffering is bad. It's relatively worse than not being created. It's like if I stole $50 dollars from you while simultaneously giving you $50, it's a neutral act in the best possible case scenario. An infinitesimally small percentage will receive the complete $50 or receive nothing if at all. Most are somewhere in the middle and draw their own conclusions on the value of their individual lives.

However as long as there is potential for someone to feel as if their life is not worth living even for a minute, I cannot justify bringing another into existence since it is not my life to gamble. My temporary satisfaction is not enough to guarantee the wellbeing of myself or of a future person. I'm grateful to my Mother (as much as it will pain her and has me for the overwhelming majority of my life) to have birthed/raised me educated, compassionate, curious, and ironically mentally divergent enough to have arrived to this reasoning.

My parents lost the gamble.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

Is my life more akin to the average suburbanite or the average homeless individual? Genetic determinism and cosmic randomness takes no sides. You don't choose your sentiments, you don't choose your values. You can CHOOSE to behave differently. You can CHOOSE to go to church as an atheist. You can CHOOSE your investment towards immersing yourself in differing world views. You can even say you do believe in it despite mental inclinations resonating with the contrary.

From there could lie the possibility of an experience changing your perspective. Failure to convert is not a mental shortcoming of the being. The vague abstract criticism of "not being open enough" that's so widely held fails to acknowledge openness is in itself predetermined.

Now about my lil' ol' self. I'd like to say I value logic and have a tendency to categorize in definitive binary sides (black and white thinking). 1's & 0's, Ying and Yang, all or nothings. This patterned way of thinking is a byproduct of capitalistic influence if I had to guess. I think assessment (more often than not) when reduced to its simplest forms can only have two options, complexity is noise. Think akinator

Q: Is someone a success? Yes or no?
A: "Well maybe to some people's metrics…"

Q: Did they succeed financially?
A: "Wealth is subjective…"

Q: Did they succeed at their own personal financial objective, which was x?
A: "Yes."

Q: Do you subjectively feel emotionally satisfied by x?
A: "Yes."

Q: Should we hunt this animal?
A: Gut influence, mind agrees

Q: Should we continue hunting this animal given certain risky parameters?
A:

Would you kill a baby, under what conditions? Spoiler your answer is depends on what could be paraphrased as 'luck'.

Same way computer's abstract processes are built on 0s and 1s, as are ours. In an objective sense, they are a combination of harvested resources to allow for abstract ideas (not actually but our interpretation of it [android dilemma]). In an objective sense I suffer, every existing person experiences suffering to various degrees.

On the subjective side of things, the culmination of all my experiences has led me to the belief that my life has not and will not be worth continuing even at the risk of foregoing any potential positive change in the future. Because either way, I will be incapable of FOMO where I'm going. I'm crossing the bridge early one of these days, same one as everyone else.

Therapy and medication and the endless list are just distractions for solving the real issue. My problem is my nonacceptance of the reality we inhabit. Existence is not the problem, existence in an environment with even the most infinitesimally small amount of suffering is. Which we are pretty damn far from, prescriptive changes in an individual's physical or mental behavior won't change that. Good luck to y'all in forging that universe because given nature that's more improbable than universal extinction.

A few examples for thought:
1.) No suffering = boredom
2.) No purpose = nihilism
3.) Perfect utopia will end in death
4.) Limited resources
5.) Utopia upkeep
6.) Drive for freedom/individuality

and y'all mfs can't even solve which political system is best for humanity.

Edit: Pre-21st century translation: People have yet to overcome tribalism.

Also, I can say this regardless of personally seeing the beauty of life. I appreciate the wind on my skin, the air I breathe in, micro-expressions telling more than words ever could. The way my sister tucks in her chin when she laughs. The absolute adorableness of pit bulls and the under-appreciated euphoria mango lassi gives to the senses. Those things, not even a fraction of the tip of the iceberg for all that I consciously derive joy from at the widely known well experienced age of 24. If I was given the button to never have been I'd slam that shit.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

Knowing that I can end up here [miserable] once more through no fault of my own and that the alternative in my case requires maintenance for what is ultimately still chance, has me melancholic. The bearableness of life should not be a choice one should have to consider. This speaks for the "goodness" of life and its cycle of satisfying deprivations.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What about the conditions within existence is a temporary problem? The never ending maintenance? They are perpetually demanding until death, their satisfaction of which always threatened by external forces. I struggle to cope with this. Besides we all succumb to this 'permanent solution' regardless.

Unconscious processes drive most of our actions and the rationalizations are made after the fact to make sense of it.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

LAST ENTRY
In a hyper competitive societal structure there's not much reason for the winners to try to engage in finding a middle ground with the losers. Their narrative can be as self indulgent as they'd like it to be, the process is often subconscious. "I won because I'm great!"

As if the outcome magically detaches itself from physics and causation.

For example, why mock people who have "failed" especially in a realm that depends so much on the judgement and voluntary acceptance of others? Mocking someone's "skills" in obtaining relationships of any kind is impractical when it is largely out their hands.