Bigass list

[woofwag]

I have a bigass list of "reasonz to die" in my notes app. It's gotten progressively longer over the course of over half a year. There are 22 reasons currently. Some big, some small, but all together, completely unbearable.

I think in day-to-day life, I can ignore most of them. Suicide is always on the mind of course, but I find myself thinking about wanting to go to the gym, replaying my favorite video game, going to events, getting back into reading/writing, things that don't have anything to do with a death plan.

I've been trying to re-focus recently on ctb prep, but end of the day I'm a dopamine addict (one of my main reasons to die, ironic as it is). I struggle to take initiative and I have horrible executive dysfunction. I have all these things I want to do but I scroll for hours or play games.

I don't know how to break this cycle, but I know something's got to give. I'm very much half-assing life because I'm still banking on ctb'ing soon. But I'm also procrastinating ctb prep because, well, it's hard!!! And I'm already tired. A part of me wants to get it over with without any prep, but I know I would back out if I tried.

Does anyone else feel the same? And anyone perhaps found a solution? I can't take it much longer

 

[DeusVult]

You should make the opposite list, of reasons to live.

No matter how long your current list gets, you're still not going to KYS. It is when the list of reasons to live dries us, that we die.