Sleeper System
Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z
- May 5, 2022
- 757
I'm so thankful for this site. I can't begin to express how much it helps me to keep on going whenever life just seems to be beating me down. I guess this serves as my own personal blog leading up to my possible self-term.
I can trick myself, for weeks, into continuing my life path when all I want to do is give up and end this drawn out game of pretend. Stop waking up and forcing myself out of bed. Driving to my horrible shitty dead end job that I'm ungrateful for but have no right to complain about. The truth is that if I had any balls I would have died about 13 years ago. Back then I REALLY had nothing in this world. If I'm being truelly honest... I died twice in my life already. Once, when I was playing by a river alone as a child and fell in. There was a point where in the midst if my fear and panic I had a choice. Grab on to the tree that had fallen by the side of the river and was quickly approaching as the flow of the river increased or not try and a few seconds after fall down a very steep edge and who knows what. I grabbed on to that tree for dear life. Caught my breath. Then quickly used the tree to pull myself out of the river. I ran home soaking wet and when I got inside for some reason I expected to find a family member to tell and be scolded by. No one was home. I was too young to understand people were at work but in that moment I felt completely worthless and alone. I got in the shower, put my clothes outside to dry, and never told anyone what happened. The second time was the moment where killing myself manifested in my mind and heart. I was never the same after that.
I hate my life but it was the one I chose. Every day is a struggle and it hurts to fall into these pits of despair and sadness. Crushing loneliness and self hatred make me want to just hang myself and be done with this.
I have two or three family members that I think about when I contemplate my own death. I torture myself thinking if it's because I love and care about them or if I'm just clinging to the idea of "duty and responsibility" as another way to trick myself into staying. I hate my brain sometimes. The gift of knowledge and understanding is a gift and a curse. Especially when you can't turn it off.
I'm venting about this because of my Job. I feel so used and unappreciated. Working for someone else's business is so backwards. The better you are at something the more they want to use and abuse you. The "bosses" have masters they have to please aswell so you can't take it out on them. But still. It's frustrating. Sad part is my current position was really my choice. I have no ambition to move up or anything. I have had opportunities to learn new things but it just feels the deeper I go the more trapped in the system I become. I just wanted to work in the department I spent 2 years in and just be left alone. Content with low pay and oh wow a 50 cent mandatory union raise every year.
I also have expenses and I'm actually living beyond my means. My car is financed and I pay the car Note and the insurance every month. I should have just kept my old car and saved my money but being my age you start to look around and ask yourself what you have to show for all the work youve done. I had nothing so I bought a car I couldn't afford to buy twice over. That felt good. But I don't have my own place. I rent a room in someone's 3 family home that they rent room by room. Priorities right?
And like my relatives. My mom is getting older and her bf is too. He's older than her. She works and shitty job too. Guess it runs in the family. but she is getting to the point where her body is betraying her. He is slowly dying as he ages. She lives with him but due to technical reasons she can't be on his lease. So the day he dies she will not have a place to go. So I'm trying my best to save up something incase that happens. I can maybe get us a studio or something idk. It sucks. My bro is doing okay but he has his own struggles too. I think he will be fine. but you never know. Ugh.
That's enough venting for one night. If you took the time to read, thank you. I don't think it matters if anyone reads this. I just needed to put it out into the universe. Back to watching an anime and eating junk food. I'll fall asleep in a few hours and have to wake up not long after to go into work. Ugh.
I can trick myself, for weeks, into continuing my life path when all I want to do is give up and end this drawn out game of pretend. Stop waking up and forcing myself out of bed. Driving to my horrible shitty dead end job that I'm ungrateful for but have no right to complain about. The truth is that if I had any balls I would have died about 13 years ago. Back then I REALLY had nothing in this world. If I'm being truelly honest... I died twice in my life already. Once, when I was playing by a river alone as a child and fell in. There was a point where in the midst if my fear and panic I had a choice. Grab on to the tree that had fallen by the side of the river and was quickly approaching as the flow of the river increased or not try and a few seconds after fall down a very steep edge and who knows what. I grabbed on to that tree for dear life. Caught my breath. Then quickly used the tree to pull myself out of the river. I ran home soaking wet and when I got inside for some reason I expected to find a family member to tell and be scolded by. No one was home. I was too young to understand people were at work but in that moment I felt completely worthless and alone. I got in the shower, put my clothes outside to dry, and never told anyone what happened. The second time was the moment where killing myself manifested in my mind and heart. I was never the same after that.
I hate my life but it was the one I chose. Every day is a struggle and it hurts to fall into these pits of despair and sadness. Crushing loneliness and self hatred make me want to just hang myself and be done with this.
I have two or three family members that I think about when I contemplate my own death. I torture myself thinking if it's because I love and care about them or if I'm just clinging to the idea of "duty and responsibility" as another way to trick myself into staying. I hate my brain sometimes. The gift of knowledge and understanding is a gift and a curse. Especially when you can't turn it off.
I'm venting about this because of my Job. I feel so used and unappreciated. Working for someone else's business is so backwards. The better you are at something the more they want to use and abuse you. The "bosses" have masters they have to please aswell so you can't take it out on them. But still. It's frustrating. Sad part is my current position was really my choice. I have no ambition to move up or anything. I have had opportunities to learn new things but it just feels the deeper I go the more trapped in the system I become. I just wanted to work in the department I spent 2 years in and just be left alone. Content with low pay and oh wow a 50 cent mandatory union raise every year.
I also have expenses and I'm actually living beyond my means. My car is financed and I pay the car Note and the insurance every month. I should have just kept my old car and saved my money but being my age you start to look around and ask yourself what you have to show for all the work youve done. I had nothing so I bought a car I couldn't afford to buy twice over. That felt good. But I don't have my own place. I rent a room in someone's 3 family home that they rent room by room. Priorities right?
And like my relatives. My mom is getting older and her bf is too. He's older than her. She works and shitty job too. Guess it runs in the family. but she is getting to the point where her body is betraying her. He is slowly dying as he ages. She lives with him but due to technical reasons she can't be on his lease. So the day he dies she will not have a place to go. So I'm trying my best to save up something incase that happens. I can maybe get us a studio or something idk. It sucks. My bro is doing okay but he has his own struggles too. I think he will be fine. but you never know. Ugh.
That's enough venting for one night. If you took the time to read, thank you. I don't think it matters if anyone reads this. I just needed to put it out into the universe. Back to watching an anime and eating junk food. I'll fall asleep in a few hours and have to wake up not long after to go into work. Ugh.
