uniqueusername4
died a long time ago
- Aug 13, 2023
- 199
I am seeking advice on my situation, I have ADHD and kind of feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.
I have been working towards getting the pieces for the sn method and after I order benzos, I will have each piece. I also recently lost the last two friends that I had (tried to have me institutionalized). I am estranged from my family, have been for years. So this means that I've got a suicide method I could use any time over the next 3 years (with the sn expiration window, probably even longer, I would just want to test it) and I don't have anyone close to me anymore that would be so deeply affected by my death. I love the feeling of having this freedom, it genuinely makes me feel better to have an exit button. It makes me feel like I can get through the days. I don't necessarily think of it long term, but it definitely takes the edge off for right now.
With that being said, I know that it is unsustainable to attempt to live in solidarity. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you need social supports for a sense of belonging. Would I be able to get that from things like a volunteer activism group and a couple book clubs? maybe some pickleball/hiking groups or something? Basically very casual and loose acquaintances.
I truly fear having close relationships again. Between my suicidal ideations, emotional dysregulation- heightened by pmdd, and rejection sensitive dysphoria, I have a really hard time maintaining close relationships. It is traumatizing to have these relationships keep ending over and over. I feel like I am constantly being abandoned due to my neurodivergence. I know it is more complicated and nuanced than that, I also realize that I am the main one keeping people out because I feel unsafe. I really fear having my freedoms taken away and in a sense, I am stealing some of my own freedoms of connecting with others because of this fear. I honestly never really felt like I truly connected with anyone before anyway because of my adhd, I always feel unseen and misunderstood. I also fear developing close relationships and feeling more trapped in life because of the guilt of ctb.
I feel pressured to make a decision because living in this limbo space isn't productive, but I don't feel like I can commit to life without support and I don't know if casual acquaintances are enough to get by. I know if I set my mind to a commitment to life, I will be able to lessen the thoughts and get better temporarily. I will also have to be strong enough when they try and come back. I have successfully gotten rid of most suicidal ideation before, only to have it creep back in because my mind was too weak to fight it off.
I have been able to figure out the other things in life okay. I have an okay job and could spend my time working on side projects/hobbies and volunteering/learning. I have a cat (really a kitten, only 10 months old) and she is a good companion.
Is that enough to live for or do we need close relationships? I know everyone is different, but what is your opinion, could you do life without close relationships?
I also feel like I cant talk to a therapist about this even though it is obviously a trauma response because of the relation to suicide :/
I have been working towards getting the pieces for the sn method and after I order benzos, I will have each piece. I also recently lost the last two friends that I had (tried to have me institutionalized). I am estranged from my family, have been for years. So this means that I've got a suicide method I could use any time over the next 3 years (with the sn expiration window, probably even longer, I would just want to test it) and I don't have anyone close to me anymore that would be so deeply affected by my death. I love the feeling of having this freedom, it genuinely makes me feel better to have an exit button. It makes me feel like I can get through the days. I don't necessarily think of it long term, but it definitely takes the edge off for right now.
With that being said, I know that it is unsustainable to attempt to live in solidarity. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you need social supports for a sense of belonging. Would I be able to get that from things like a volunteer activism group and a couple book clubs? maybe some pickleball/hiking groups or something? Basically very casual and loose acquaintances.
I truly fear having close relationships again. Between my suicidal ideations, emotional dysregulation- heightened by pmdd, and rejection sensitive dysphoria, I have a really hard time maintaining close relationships. It is traumatizing to have these relationships keep ending over and over. I feel like I am constantly being abandoned due to my neurodivergence. I know it is more complicated and nuanced than that, I also realize that I am the main one keeping people out because I feel unsafe. I really fear having my freedoms taken away and in a sense, I am stealing some of my own freedoms of connecting with others because of this fear. I honestly never really felt like I truly connected with anyone before anyway because of my adhd, I always feel unseen and misunderstood. I also fear developing close relationships and feeling more trapped in life because of the guilt of ctb.
I feel pressured to make a decision because living in this limbo space isn't productive, but I don't feel like I can commit to life without support and I don't know if casual acquaintances are enough to get by. I know if I set my mind to a commitment to life, I will be able to lessen the thoughts and get better temporarily. I will also have to be strong enough when they try and come back. I have successfully gotten rid of most suicidal ideation before, only to have it creep back in because my mind was too weak to fight it off.
I have been able to figure out the other things in life okay. I have an okay job and could spend my time working on side projects/hobbies and volunteering/learning. I have a cat (really a kitten, only 10 months old) and she is a good companion.
Is that enough to live for or do we need close relationships? I know everyone is different, but what is your opinion, could you do life without close relationships?
I also feel like I cant talk to a therapist about this even though it is obviously a trauma response because of the relation to suicide :/
