Help Best way to start reconciliation?

[raindrops]

This is a long thread, I am good at these so sorry and thank you if you read.
Some of you may of read my posts before... I'm here mostly because I'm heartbroken and confused about my future.
I really need to start concentrating on myself and I do wonder when life will just give me the happiness I want although I'm confused if I deserve it or not at this point, I'm not actively seeking a job or saving money rn either, what I really want is to reconcile with my "partners" family...

So I really need help with how to start reconciliation?
I'm nervous to start this process as I read reconciliation comes after forgiveness and that's only if the person wants you back in their life. I think I posted a lot here about being with my partner for 11 years, I say my partner because we speak everyday, we chill together, we do everything couples do and when I asked him "what are you too me, my boyfriend?" his reply was "what do you think I am then?" So I take it I am his partner but nothing is official yet, I know this sounds petty but we're not currently together on facebook cringe I know. I want to let the world know we're together! I want to make his family happy, I find this important, imo a happy relationship is when you get on with the family too, trust me when I say I know this because I ruined the relationship with his family, it definitely made him resent me.

So on Tuesday he took me to see his grandparents, it was the best! I haven't seen them since the 7th of March, it was amazing seeing their smiles and hugging again!
Now the next person, the most important person to reconcile with is his mum!... see the thing is he told her I said he couldn't go see her!! and yes I did say that but I never meant it. I wanted her to reach out at that time and I said so many things I never meant, I said a whole bunch of other nasty things too which was the cause of out breakup amongst other things, no cheating though. I wonder if he told her those other things as well.
Funny that I'm now wanting to reach out after being such a evil bitch during our time living together. Oh I just want them to reconcile with me and forgive me

On Saturday he is going for dinner with his mum and I wonder/worry if she will pry, wanting to know why he speaks with me, why we meet up, why me?
They will be her questions I believe, especially after what went on.
His grandparents are not his mothers parents btw, although I believe her knowing I've spoke with them will help me, I just know her character, well I think I do.

How do I reach out to her, how do you let someone know you have grown up, you see your own mistakes and how you wouldn't make those again, how do I let his mum know I care, I miss her, I miss everything we once had 6 years ago I have done so much wrong and how do I make her see I am worthy, I will make her happy and her son.
Then, once I have reconciled with her...his dad as he is separated from my "partners" mum... oh god... where do I begin with this without sounding to beggy or desperate or full on or stupid.
He tells me one day at a time, well something needs to start now right I need her approval for a happier, fresh start with him, I need advice.
Sorry if it's too long, sorry if I'm going on, I spent my whole day asking people at work where to begin with it all, I pissed them off I think...oh god I could I keep typing, I just want to start over with them.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Here's my opinion. It's just that.

First, he hasn't said he's your partner. He evaded. He also says one day at a time. He doesn't agree to a goal or a roadmap for getting to it. It sounds like he's keeping you at arm's distance and dangling carrots so that you'll agree to maintain that distance. You want to move forward, he doesn't. If you force it when he clearly disagrees, it's going to blow up. What I sense is a power struggle; he has it, you want some, so you're going to push so that the realtionship becomes what you want. It's not going to happen. In my experience, what will happen is that he ends up looking like he's a good guy and you're labeled as pushy and crazy. The sanest thing is to accept him as he is, and if it's not acceptable, to end the relationship and move forward in your life, away from what is not satisfying and not what you want. You can't force what you want with him. He says nothing but no in a variety of ways. Pushing him won't motivate him to change his no, it will motivate him to retaliate, and it's going to hurt.

Second, you said in the post that you want his mother to forgive you and reconcile with you. When I read this the focus is on you, not on her. It sounds like it's about soothing you rather than you setting things right for her (making amends), and then, if she is willing, to do the work together of reconciliation, such as you each setting boundaries, proving trustworthiness on both sides, etc. It's a process. If old stuff isn't addressed and worked out to mutual satisfaction, which takes more than a minute to accomplish, and then new rules set for going forward, it's not reconciliation, it's a reunion, and also a setup for the same old patterns to continue.

 

[raindrops]

Second, you said in the post that you want his mother to forgive you and reconcile with you. When I read this the focus is on you, not on her. It sounds like it's about soothing you rather than you setting things right for her (making amends), and then, if she is willing, to do the work together of reconciliation, such as you each setting boundaries, proving trustworthiness on both sides, etc. It's a process. If old stuff isn't addressed and worked out to mutual satisfaction, which takes more than a minute to accomplish, and then new rules set for going forward, it's not reconciliation, it's a reunion, and also a setup for the same old patterns to continue.

I don't think I worded that post too well.
I told him "I just want a partner, you know a boyfriend" I probably shouldn't of said this but I couldn't help myself and thats when he replied "well what am I to you then? I basically am aren't I?" But nothing is official and I haven't spoke to his mum yet only his grandparents. So how would I start the reconciliation process do you think me sending a message to her would be beneficial. Honestly it's not all about me I just know I'm the one who has done wrong so I don't know how to approach her.. if I send a message it would be over social media. Someone else said send a card. Rejection is the worst thing especially when your heart is in the right place... so should I send a message or will that be tooo much?

 

[timf]

The group AA has a process of 12 steps in working on recovery from alcoholis,. One of the steps is "making amends". Those with experience with this step may be able to share what was effective in helping them repair relationships.

 

[Huntfish34]

Yikes.. This is a tough one. As timf mentioned with AA,. I have gone through the 12 steps myself. The amends was one of the Hardest steps I went through honestly. I Really didn't want to start the process in a Genuine fear of being... Rejected, cussed at, belittled... Etc.. To my surprise most of them went quite well,. While a couple didn't.

I guess the main thing I was told before doing this was.. Do absolutely Not say you're ( Sorry or w/e). Don't bring anything from the past up which could potentially hurt them more. Just basically state that you are working on yourself and trying to get better from different aspects.

Sorry if this makes no sense to you,. Just my .02 on the matter. I Wish you the very best. Bless you.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Long time ago, I had a girlfriend who had similar shakey interactions with my late mother. Frankly, they both were behaving badly towards one another and I was stuck in the middle. Not a good place for any son to be. Ultimately, the girlfriend called my mom to apologize and this went over very well. There was lots of ego involved with those two. But, my girlfriend acted as "the bigger person."

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

@Jump123,

Is it possible you are my son-in-law?

I am the mother in your scenario. My SIL has caused me so much pain, has caused estrangement between me and my daughter and kept me from seeing my grandchildren. He has said and done the most awful things to me that now I have blocked him because everytime I hear from him, I want to CTB. He is the main reason I am here on SS.

I agree with GoodPersonEffed. If my SIL approached me now to "make amends", I would be very suspicious of his motives. It sounds like your motive is to make yourself feel better, to get a commitment from your partner.

As for never saying you're sorry, I say, from the wronged person's perspective, that is the first thing to do. And the second and third and ad infinitum.
After that, you will have to prove yourself over time.

If my SIL approached me, it would not be "oh, I am so sorry, please forgive me," and everything will be all kumbaya. Sorry, the scars are too deep and numerous. One happy happy conversation or meeting, as with the grandparents, means nothing, except perhaps they were putting on a facade and being polite and thinking, "Yeah, right."

Ten years of you abusing them and you expect instant forgiveness, so your partner will commit to you?? Well, let me ask all the people here if they will forgive their abusers if they were approached with those expectations. Abuse and meanness make their marks. I will never forgive my SIL. He took away time with my grandchildren that can never be replaced. And my daughter, with whom I used to be very close. He has permanently damaged my soul.

Maybe your partner's mother feels differently than this. You should ask her, "What can I do to fix us?" Then shut up and listen. And not on social media. Go see her, in person, so she can look into your eyes and heart and see your motives. It took ten years to screw this up, it may take ten more to fix it. Are you prepared for that?

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Why is my post waiting for moderator approval??

 

[Huntfish34]

That's odd.. hope that gets resolved NeverGood.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't think I worded that post too well.
I told him "I just want a partner, you know a boyfriend" I probably shouldn't of said this but I couldn't help myself and thats when he replied "well what am I to you then? I basically am aren't I?" But nothing is official and I haven't spoke to his mum yet only his grandparents. So how would I start the reconciliation process do you think me sending a message to her would be beneficial. Honestly it's not all about me I just know I'm the one who has done wrong so I don't know how to approach her.. if I send a message it would be over social media. Someone else said send a card. Rejection is the worst thing especially when your heart is in the right place... so should I send a message or will that be tooo much?

Too much. It's pushing.

It's forcing him into a commitment and forcing your way back into his family when your relationship status does not reflect you're at all welcomed to do so. As I said, it's going to blow up in your face if you proceed with this.

Realistically, your previous actions caused the rejection. Better to use the rejection to learn and grow, and better to soothe yourself then put it on the victim to do so. If you've genuinely changed, and if she chooses in the future of her own accord to give you another chance, then it will show that you have. You'll prove much more by respecting her space and not trying to get her to take down the boundary.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I am the mother in your scenario. My SIL has caused me so much pain, has caused estrangement between me and my daughter and kept me from seeing my grandchildren. He has said and done the most awful things to me that now I have blocked him because everytime I hear from him, I want to CTB. He is the main reason I am here on SS.

I agree with GoodPersonEffed. If my SIL approached me now to "make amends", I would be very suspicious of his motives. It sounds like your motive is to make yourself feel better, to get a commitment from your partner.

As for never saying you're sorry, I say, from the wronged person's perspective, that is the first thing to do. And the second and third and ad infinitum.
After that, you will have to prove yourself over time.

If my SIL approached me, it would not be "oh, I am so sorry, please forgive me," and everything will be all kumbaya. Sorry, the scars are too deep and numerous. One happy happy conversation or meeting, as with the grandparents, means nothing, except perhaps they were putting on a facade and being polite and thinking, "Yeah, right."

Ten years of you abusing them and you expect instant forgiveness, so your partner will commit to you?? Well, let me ask all the people here if they will forgive their abusers if they were approached with those expectations. Abuse and meanness make their marks. I will never forgive my SIL. He took away time with my grandchildren that can never be replaced. And my daughter, with whom I used to be very close. He has permanently damaged my soul.

Maybe your partner's mother feels differently than this. You should ask her, "What can I do to fix us?" Then shut up and listen. And not on social media. Go see her, in person, so she can look into your eyes and heart and see your motives. It took ten years to screw this up, it may take ten more to fix it. Are you prepared for that?

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I am sorry for the repeat reply. A glitch or something. My bad

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I am the mother in your scenario. My SIL has caused me so much pain, has caused estrangement between me and my daughter and kept me from seeing my grandchildren. He has said and done the most awful things to me that now I have blocked him because everytime I hear from him, I want to CTB. He is the main reason I am here on SS.

I agree with GoodPersonEffed. If my SIL approached me now to "make amends", I would be very suspicious of his motives. It sounds like your motive is to make yourself feel better, to get a commitment from your partner.

As for never saying you're sorry, I say, from the wronged person's perspective, that is the first thing to do. And the second and third and ad infinitum.
After that, you will have to prove yourself over time.

If my SIL approached me, it would not be "oh, I am so sorry, please forgive me," and everything will be all kumbaya. Sorry, the scars are too deep and numerous. One happy happy conversation or meeting, as with the grandparents, means nothing, except perhaps they were putting on a facade and being polite and thinking, "Yeah, right."

Ten years of you abusing them and you expect instant forgiveness, so your partner will commit to you?? Well, let me ask all the people here if they will forgive their abusers if they were approached with those expectations. Abuse and meanness make their marks. I will never forgive my SIL. He took away time with my grandchildren that can never be replaced. And my daughter, with whom I used to be very close. He has permanently damaged my soul.

Maybe your partner's mother feels differently than this. You should ask her, "What can I do to fix us?" Then shut up and listen. And not on social media. Go see her, in person, so she can look into your eyes and heart and see your motives. It took ten years to screw this up, it may take ten more to fix it. Are you prepared for that?

Well said, especially the last two paragraphs.

I would add for the OP, @Jump123, to consider whether you would want to make amends to her whether you were with her son or not. If it's about moving the relationship forward, to be frank and assertive, but not unkind, it's about you. If it were about becoming a better person and making amends, that would be a good motivation. But... that's not the motivation.

I need her approval for a happier, fresh start with him

It's not about her, it's about manipulating her to get what you want.

I know it's blunt to say that.

There is no fresh start. What's done is done. It can either be healed or it cannot. But you and he are still the same people with a shared history, and the history can't be undone.

Oh I just want them to reconcile with me and forgive me

This is not, "I want to be a better person, a person I respect. I want to do right by them, whether they forgive me or not. Doing right by them may mean accepting their boundaries against me because of the damage I did in the past. It may hurt, but I respect them and their decision to not give me an opportunity to hurt them yet again."

Rejection is the worst thing

But...you earned it with your past behaviors. Your motivation shows that this is for you to feel better, not her. Again, I known it's blunt.

 

[raindrops]

I am the mother in your scenario. My SIL has caused me so much pain, has caused estrangement between me and my daughter and kept me from seeing my grandchildren. He has said and done the most awful things to me that now I have blocked him because everytime I hear from him, I want to CTB. He is the main reason I am here on SS.

I agree with GoodPersonEffed. If my SIL approached me now to "make amends", I would be very suspicious of his motives. It sounds like your motive is to make yourself feel better, to get a commitment from your partner.

As for never saying you're sorry, I say, from the wronged person's perspective, that is the first thing to do. And the second and third and ad infinitum.
After that, you will have to prove yourself over time.

If my SIL approached me, it would not be "oh, I am so sorry, please forgive me," and everything will be all kumbaya. Sorry, the scars are too deep and numerous. One happy happy conversation or meeting, as with the grandparents, means nothing, except perhaps they were putting on a facade and being polite and thinking, "Yeah, right."

Ten years of you abusing them and you expect instant forgiveness, so your partner will commit to you?? Well, let me ask all the people here if they will forgive their abusers if they were approached with those expectations. Abuse and meanness make their marks. I will never forgive my SIL. He took away time with my grandchildren that can never be replaced. And my daughter, with whom I used to be very close. He has permanently damaged my soul.

Maybe your partner's mother feels differently than this. You should ask her, "What can I do to fix us?" Then shut up and listen. And not on social media. Go see her, in person, so she can look into your eyes and heart and see your motives. It took ten years to screw this up, it may take ten more to fix it. Are you prepared for that?

Thank you so much for your reply, means a lot seeing it from your point of view... oh this will be long so if you can read then thank you again.

I don't like to consider myself abusive... I dunno maybe I was, no, I was... Oh I want to ctb so much.
I was very mean and stubborn I was full of anxiety which made me nervous to contact her, go see her or do anything in general with family. Smoking weed everyday for 10 years I think affected me, not that it affects everyone but as for myself it messed me up definitely, I had clouded judgements and intrusive thoughts.

My "partner" and his mother have an amazing relationship but when he was around 4 years old she walked out on him so his father brought him up even though she walked out he always seen his mother, just never lived with her...I say this because I think maybe then she has a heart to forgive and hopefully see I am not a monster, mistakes happen.
Of course my motive is to make myself feel better, to heal old wounds would mean the world and to make her happy, to reassure her and promise her we can be that couple she remembers 5 or so years ago would mean absolute everything... is that possible or can people be that stubborn they wish to continue hate? grudges? pain? I lost my mother when I was 14, I'm 27 now, surely there is some part of her that sees my childish ways, how I have had time too think and grow these past months. I don't know, she thought I hated her and my partner having a family, this is wrong, I thought they hated me.

One of my concerns that eats away at me is that she lost her husband who she was married to for 25 years very suddenly, he went to work and died at work on the 9th of January last year, my heart aches I knew this man, he never got to see our first home together because I was always high I assumed he hated me, us! I was so stupid. I just wanted them to turn up, then even if they turned up the flat probably stunk of weed so I was nervous to answer the door!!
The thing is... I missed this mans funeral.... my grandmother was in hospital at the time, she was hospitalised the 1st of January.
We were shopping and this family friend approached my partner, asked if he is going the funeral and I said "why, I'm not going, I can't go, you're not going are you" then the day of the funeral came I woke up and I said to my partner "please go, go see your mum and get your suit ready, I never meant what I said that day" ... he didn't go... My heart bleeds. I feel like this is remembered, can this be forgiven, I was afraid to go myself, his brother and sister had me blocked I was nervous, my thoughts ate away at me, anxiety consumed me. How can I make that up? I NEVER stopped my partner from going to that funeral. I stopped myself.

It is about me because I have done wrong and I am willing to be the person I want to be, loving, kind, caring... all those things I wasn't, yet was, but struggled being.
It is about her because if I'm seeing her son and we do all of these things partners do, I need to prove to his mother I am worthy, to be her friend again, to have that family again.

Sometimes I think ctb will be the end of me. Btw he doesn't know this is how I feel, on the outside to him I am happy, gained independence, confidence, when deep down this is eating away at me, I feel so hated. His brother and sister have me blocked from an argument some time ago... I must changed this for his sake and his mother.

Well said, especially the last two paragraphs.

I would add for the OP, @Jump123, to consider whether you would want to make amends to her whether you were with her son or not. If it's about moving the relationship forward, to be frank and assertive, but not unkind, it's about you. If it were about becoming a better person and making amends, that would be a good motivation. But... that's not the motivation.



It's not about her, it's about manipulating her to get what you want.

I know it's blunt to say that.

There is no fresh start. What's done is done. It can either be healed or it cannot. But you and he are still the same people with a shared history, and the history can't be undone.



This is not, "I want to be a better person, a person I respect. I want to do right by them, whether they forgive me or not. Doing right by them may mean accepting their boundaries against me because of the damage I did in the past. It may hurt, but I respect them and their decision to not give me an opportunity to hurt them yet again."



But...you earned it with your past behaviors. Your motivation shows that this is for you to feel better, not her. Again, I known it's blunt.

No it is for her to feel better, for me to feel better to, to show her how much I have always love her and his whole family. No manipulation here, just love and I need to know how to show her that, he got off the phone to me earlier and I said "i do hope i see your mum again soon, i wish to send her my love" and he said "you will, one day at a time" ...

I am the mother in your scenario. My SIL has caused me so much pain, has caused estrangement between me and my daughter and kept me from seeing my grandchildren. He has said and done the most awful things to me that now I have blocked him because everytime I hear from him, I want to CTB. He is the main reason I am here on SS.

I agree with GoodPersonEffed. If my SIL approached me now to "make amends", I would be very suspicious of his motives. It sounds like your motive is to make yourself feel better, to get a commitment from your partner.

As for never saying you're sorry, I say, from the wronged person's perspective, that is the first thing to do. And the second and third and ad infinitum.
After that, you will have to prove yourself over time.

If my SIL approached me, it would not be "oh, I am so sorry, please forgive me," and everything will be all kumbaya. Sorry, the scars are too deep and numerous. One happy happy conversation or meeting, as with the grandparents, means nothing, except perhaps they were putting on a facade and being polite and thinking, "Yeah, right."

Ten years of you abusing them and you expect instant forgiveness, so your partner will commit to you?? Well, let me ask all the people here if they will forgive their abusers if they were approached with those expectations. Abuse and meanness make their marks. I will never forgive my SIL. He took away time with my grandchildren that can never be replaced. And my daughter, with whom I used to be very close. He has permanently damaged my soul.

Maybe your partner's mother feels differently than this. You should ask her, "What can I do to fix us?" Then shut up and listen. And not on social media. Go see her, in person, so she can look into your eyes and heart and see your motives. It took ten years to screw this up, it may take ten more to fix it. Are you prepared for that?

it wasn't 10 years of abuse, we were together 11 years since 15.
oh god, it sounds so petty, his brother is a hairdresser and he made friends with a girl who does nails at the salon, this girl use to tell me when I was 15 that my partner cheated on me with her... anyway, skip to being 23 and his brother worked with this girl, I sent him a message "why are you friends with this girl, you cant be, you go out with her you should be seeing your brother" bla bla bla, lots of swear words, then they blocked me on social media, that was 4 years ago... so it would be 4 years since speaking to them properly all because I said I dont want to know them if they speak with this girl... constantly I'd ask "does she do your mums nails, she better not"
and thats the start of all of this, sounds petty right?

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Woah. I am almost afraid to reply because it beings back so much and I am trying hard to heal.

Do not blame the weed or other people for your behavior. Do not blame his mother because she left him at a young age. Or his horrible father That sounds like excuses.

If you want to try, I suggest you send a hand written (not typed) letter on paper, in an envelope with a stamp. You may have to rewrite and edit it at least several times. Sit on it for a few days, read it over again and again, maybe have your partner read it and give his opinion. If he thinks it is ok and may help, mail it by snail mail.

A handwritten, old fashioned letter takes some work. She will feel that when she takes it out of her mailbox. It forces you to organize your thoughts, and reading what you write, seeing it right there where yiu can't just make it disappear by logging out or saving it, it's right there on the kitchen table where you see it all the time. In your face. Unavoidable. And it takes some guts to drop it in the mail box.

Then wait. Wait until she contacts you.

In the meantime, know that if you make one tiny small mistake in the future it will be Game Over. If you make even one excuse, same thing. And it may be too late. Consequences suck.

What if she is so hurt that she is suicidal like us? Will contact from you push her over the edge? Is she a member here and reading this with a glass of SN in her hand? Has she wondered all these years what she did to deserve this? Blamed herself? Cried oceans of tears? Have you considered that contact with her may be the very worst thing to do, worst for her?

Will it give her false hope? Only to have you do something again down the road and dash her hopes onto the rocks?

Maybe you both need to heal first.

I don't know if I would even open a letter from my SIL. Maybe. Just so I could blow my nose on it and burn it. Well, unless it promised me time with my little grandsons. I dare not hope for that, not even a little bit.

I do wish you the best. You do need to get yourself together before you even try.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Food for thought: people may not remember what you say or do, but they will remember how you made them feel.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Jump123, I read what you said about how all this started, with the girl who said he cheated on you with her. I recall your earlier posts about him still being connected on facebook with people close to the woman he was involved with while you were broken up. I see him giving evasive answers to your questions. I see people giving you answers to your requests for advice in your threads.

I have two stories I'm reminded of. I'll share them and then exit out of this conversation. They're yours to do with as you choose. The first one is a wall of text, I don't have the motivation to tell it neatly.

I had a boyfriend in high school. He introduced me to his dad and his sister. Not long into the relationship, his sister told me he cheated on me. He denied it. In spite of the red flags going off, I accepted his denial. After that his sister hated me and wanted nothing more to do with me. He constantly played mind games with me. He always pushed the limits of almost-but-not-quite seriously physically abusing me. We were together off and on for two years. I moved out of state. A few years later, I got back in contact with him. He came to visit me. Several months after that, a girl from high school tracked me down, started verbally attacking me. I was returning her call long distance and told her to back off or I'd hang up. She told me that when he'd come to visit me, he was actually living with her and told her he was on a business trip. When she was pregnant, he demanded she get an abortion, then didn't show up. Later, she checked his phone bill, and at the time of the abortion, he was talking to me. He had cheated on me with her in high school, and had juggled both the relationships. I knew he'd seen her in between breakups, and he played her against me, but I didn't know he'd cheated with her, and had moved in with her. I told her I wasn't the problem, she needed to break up with him. I don't know if she did, but I reconnected with him again several years later and as far as I knew, he lived alone. Then again years later, he contacted me and I made it clear I thought he was shit; he got snide, then left me alone for good. The whole time I knew him, he was secretive, did things to intentionally make me crazy, blamed me for acting crazy, love bombed me and reeled me in only to abuse me again. He once got me an engagement ring and took it back, said he just wanted to see how I'd react. The sanest thing would have been to listen to his sister at the very beginning. It would have saved my body and heart and sanity a lot of bruises. Instead, I let him gaslight me for years. I let him define reality even when it was right in front of my face what reality really was. When he physically abused me, he said he wasn't hurting me. When he cheated, he brought up who I slept with in between breakups and said I cheated. When he spliced a cassette tape for me that was broken and re-recorded the tape, he said it was his tape that he fixed, it was never mine. As long as I allowed him to define reality, or fought with him about his definitions of reality, as long as I didn't accept he would never change, as long as I didn't walk the fuck away, he had the power to control the relationship and me. The few good moments were great; they were his minor investment in keeping me hooked to him so I would continue to be his plaything. He had several playthings. And he never had any shame at all. He was not motivated to change.

I used to have a co-worker, she and I were part of a group of friends at work. Every time she had a decision to make, she'd ask our opinions. We'd all unanimously say, "No, bad idea," and she'd do it anyway, and then complain about the outcomes. This cycle happened regularly over several months. Then she met a guy at a bar. After two weeks he asked her to marry him. She asked our opinions. We all said, "No, bad idea." She married him anyway. Things quickly went bad, more bad ideas to fix things, more advice, more bad decisions, more complaints about the outcomes. Then she was considering a divorce. She asked our advice. We stopped giving it. We moved on.

 

[raindrops]

Thank you for replying it means a lot
I'm sorry if it came across all me, me, me, that's not how I meant it to be perceived, but it is ME who has caused this, although I thought I said hurtful meaningless things, they were hurtful and meaningful to my partner. My heart has always been in a good place, I never stopped him from seeing his mother, I said some awful things, but it was only a cry for her to come to us, I should of been the bigger person at that time. I assumed she hated me as she never rang, knocked the door and broke a promise to visit us when living together. I never said anything awful to her though, I hurt her son, I haven't used excuses at all either, only facts that show she has hurt her son and his family before, in other ways ofc...and been forgiven.

I only wanted an opinion on how to reach out, thinking about it now after the advice given here which makes complete sense especially the pushy bit, maybe it isn't so good to reach out after all, then again she wanted me to reach out to her way before we broke up, so I'm confused here, things are going well, really well between me & him so it's like do I or don't I knowing how she felt before about me contacting her is confusing.
I suppose I can't understand how someone could be so stubborn, unwilling to open their heart, let things go and be the bigger person, yet I have been that stubborn person myself. Yes I should of supported my partner when his step dad passed, yes I should of went the funeral, but is it really fair to hold a grudge because I didn't go? I was struggling as my grandma was in hospital, I feel awful saying this because he helped me and my grandmother, and I didn't help or support him at that time. As Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh said "without suffering there is no happiness, suffering helps us grow compassion" I think mindfulness and positivity is an amazing thing, when your positive you attract positivity into your life, I can't stand bitterness or hatefulness because I was that way for a long time
It's not about letting someone walk over you either, I think you can see when someone's heart is in the right place especially if you know them and their circumstances. If I had a chance at being apart of his family again I would be grateful and cherish every moment. I'm waiting until the 11th of November, this would be our 12 years anniversary... I probably have my hopes up here but I'm so sure he will acknowledge that date.
I hope something good comes of this for all of us, I want to make them happy.

Woah. I am almost afraid to reply because it beings back so much and I am trying hard to heal.

Do not blame the weed or other people for your behavior. Do not blame his mother because she left him at a young age. Or his horrible father That sounds like excuses.

If you want to try, I suggest you send a hand written (not typed) letter on paper, in an envelope with a stamp. You may have to rewrite and edit it at least several times. Sit on it for a few days, read it over again and again, maybe have your partner read it and give his opinion. If he thinks it is ok and may help, mail it by snail mail.

A handwritten, old fashioned letter takes some work. She will feel that when she takes it out of her mailbox. It forces you to organize your thoughts, and reading what you write, seeing it right there where yiu can't just make it disappear by logging out or saving it, it's right there on the kitchen table where you see it all the time. In your face. Unavoidable. And it takes some guts to drop it in the mail box.

Then wait. Wait until she contacts you.

In the meantime, know that if you make one tiny small mistake in the future it will be Game Over. If you make even one excuse, same thing. And it may be too late. Consequences suck.

What if she is so hurt that she is suicidal like us? Will contact from you push her over the edge? Is she a member here and reading this with a glass of SN in her hand? Has she wondered all these years what she did to deserve this? Blamed herself? Cried oceans of tears? Have you considered that contact with her may be the very worst thing to do, worst for her?

Will it give her false hope? Only to have you do something again down the road and dash her hopes onto the rocks?

Maybe you both need to heal first.

I don't know if I would even open a letter from my SIL. Maybe. Just so I could blow my nose on it and burn it. Well, unless it promised me time with my little grandsons. I dare not hope for that, not even a little bit.

I do wish you the best. You do need to get yourself together before you even try.

What you're going through my grandmother has also been through and to some extent still is...my heart goes out to you and I hope it can be resolved.
She hasn't seen her grandchildren (my sisters, okay step-sisters) for nearly 5 years now, their father was horrible, he took my grandmother to court the day after her daughter's (my mother's) funeral all because he couldn't bring himself to sit down with my grandmother and make an arrangement to see them himself, he had to get the court involved. My grandmother was willing to sit with him he just wanted to make it difficult, my grandmother brought us all up while my mum worked as an auxiliary nurse, he was never to be seen but the day my mother died he took my sisters away and made contact very difficult, he wanted to be the amazing father who stepped up, yet he destroyed us at the time. I am in no school photos with them, I never babysat them, I had to see them every Saturday and that's if he turned up, now they live in London, a boat and train away from me. Sometimes I blame him for my grandmother turning to alcohol but thankfully she doesn't drink now.
You know what... I forgave him, I love him for how he brought my sisters up, how he stepped up and stayed with them every step of the way, one sis is 20 and my youngest sis 15, the eldest out of them is in university. Forgiveness can make things easier, sometimes people are struggling too regardless of their actions.
You're right I never forget how he made us feel, but he had his reasons, struggles.

I really do hope it works out for you, I haven't a clue how to fix it because we never really got anywhere because he was so stubborn, yet all we wanted to do was show our love to them as we did when we all lived together with my mother and he didn't live with us, so I dunno.
Hugs to you
x