Alpenglow
Never really there
- Mar 5, 2024
- 95
I don't feel like a truly belong anywhere. Don't get me wrong it's a subjective and complex feeling, it's the assessment of how others perceive us in a social environment, how we behave, and how we perceive ourselves. So perhaps true belonging doesn't exist, though common fundamental beliefs may fit the bill, think a tightly knit spiritual congregation. There's more to it, but it is probably a prerequisite.
I'd prefer not to exist and often have thought about death or some other intrusive thoughts, though if they really are intrusive is debatable. This basically invalidates any belonging with the "normal" world, casual conversation of suicide and existence, which have become a backdrop for my life, is taboo or met with a lack of common ground for comfortable conversation. This is not inherently wrong of course, it is a deeply personal and existential subject whose opinion likely varies. While I believe I could bring someone to rationally understand my point of view, it would be distressing for both parties.
This basically leaves this forum, where the complex nature of belonging haunts me. It is the perception of how others perceive you, not how they perceive you, that dictates how much one belongs. I am somewhat in a limbo of existence, neither wanting to ctb, nor wanting to exist. I wish to offer a shoulder or lend an ear to those in need but am woefully unprepared. I suppose doing it properly takes time and practice and is not entirely useless, loneliness is something that requires other people to solve.
We all struggle with some anxiety I suppose, and I'd say I'm on the lesser end of the spectrum. I'm just worried I hurt people without meaning to. I suppose it ties into a larger narrative or such. In the end this post is mostly meaningless, for as much as I try to be well-spoken, or eloquent (I like that word, it sounds cool), it is ultimately the ramblings of some lonely person whose inane thoughts happen to have stumbled upon an outlet. Not to mention that I have not frequented this "social environment" for very long, obviously stifling my ability to integrate myself to its "ecosystem".
TL;DR: I feel like I don't truly belong and am throwing a tantrum behind a veneer of intelligent thought.
Do you feel like you belong? What do you think of belonging as a concept?
I'd prefer not to exist and often have thought about death or some other intrusive thoughts, though if they really are intrusive is debatable. This basically invalidates any belonging with the "normal" world, casual conversation of suicide and existence, which have become a backdrop for my life, is taboo or met with a lack of common ground for comfortable conversation. This is not inherently wrong of course, it is a deeply personal and existential subject whose opinion likely varies. While I believe I could bring someone to rationally understand my point of view, it would be distressing for both parties.
This basically leaves this forum, where the complex nature of belonging haunts me. It is the perception of how others perceive you, not how they perceive you, that dictates how much one belongs. I am somewhat in a limbo of existence, neither wanting to ctb, nor wanting to exist. I wish to offer a shoulder or lend an ear to those in need but am woefully unprepared. I suppose doing it properly takes time and practice and is not entirely useless, loneliness is something that requires other people to solve.
We all struggle with some anxiety I suppose, and I'd say I'm on the lesser end of the spectrum. I'm just worried I hurt people without meaning to. I suppose it ties into a larger narrative or such. In the end this post is mostly meaningless, for as much as I try to be well-spoken, or eloquent (I like that word, it sounds cool), it is ultimately the ramblings of some lonely person whose inane thoughts happen to have stumbled upon an outlet. Not to mention that I have not frequented this "social environment" for very long, obviously stifling my ability to integrate myself to its "ecosystem".
TL;DR: I feel like I don't truly belong and am throwing a tantrum behind a veneer of intelligent thought.
Do you feel like you belong? What do you think of belonging as a concept?
