believing you're a bad person

[monetpompo]

number 1 hachiware fan logging on.
these are my bedtime thoughts​

whenever i'm ruminating i just think about texting the few people i'm still in contact with (barely leave my house), "i'm a fuck up", "you need to hate me", or "i'm a bad person". the people that have seen it happen expect it. they feel bad for me, but it confuses them since they don't understand why someone would keep wanting to be seen as a bad person and left behind because of it.

i've been playing disco elysium. it kills time and it's fun, but it's depressing because the protagonist, harry du bois, has a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms and has made a lot of mistakes. i turned off the game just now after playing for a while. it's very narrative heavy, which lead me to not wanting to play it for a long time until i picked it back up again because i know i have the time to get back into it. i used to spend hours reading sasu posts, i can say that i know how to read.

what harry du bois does sometimes is be confronted with the idea that he's a fuck up and that he's making people uncomfortable. he says things that are eccentric, overly depressing, or beats himself up and says sorry over and over to people even though that does nothing to fix the situation. i'm not allowed to say sorry just because i feel like i'm a piece of garbage. i need to keep moving or i'll ruminate and think until it's 1 am and i want to throw up. yesterday night, i was ruminating. it was about trying to convince one of my friends that i really am a failure and i'm an irredeemable person that deserves to die. in my head, he kept on going, "no, you're not a failure", so i kept on trying to think of different responses i could give to him so that he could realize that everything i do is bad and i should die. it's a thought loop meant to make me suffer until i give up.

there's no end to that kind of conversation or those thoughts. sometimes, i want to beg people to get rid of me so the cycle of thoughts stop, because if i'm alone i don't have to think about how i'm a garbage person that burdens everyone around me. the core of the situation, "i am a failure", is what makes everything fall apart. why am i a failure? what am i failing in? why do i emphasize with people who have been in/are in similar situations? why do i find myself so important that i'm stressing out over whether someone, right now, is hating me and is pretending not to?

my brain doesn't work right. i've thought like this for years. when the thoughts get bad, i don't question them, because i hate myself and i think all the thoughts are true because they're warm while other people are far away and indifferent. even with a person right in front of me or having a real time conversation with me telling me they care about me, i can't believe them, because the thoughts are true first and people are second to them. it's supposed to be the other way around. but i don't trust people, because i don't feel good enough for them. i'm the flawed one that's too lonely and needs reassurance because they think that no one is capable of liking them.

the world would be much simpler and easier if everyone hated me because i hated myself. but i also want sympathy for my self hatred. it doesn't make sense. evangelion introduced me to the idea of the hedgehog's dilemma:

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i've grown really fond of the metaphor. it basically explains the reason why i would rather suffer in isolation than be close with others and feel supported. i've never thought much about my impact on others, besides my ability to have sex with people, probably. i thought i didn't really have any worth besides that, and sometimes i still do when i feel like nothing. during my heavy activity periods on sasu, making and reading posts mainly on the suicide section, i felt like air. i felt like someone could shoot me with a gun and it would phase through me, because i was nothing in a literal sense. while i would die in the real world, my death would make no impact on others. they would simply haul my body away to a landfill or hire someone to bury me somewhere nondescript, like a patch of grass in a field or something.

while dealing with my suicidal ideation and intense self hatred, i saw no reason for me to keep on living if my existence was inherently burdening others by me wanting them to be around me and talk to me. even texting someone made/makes me feel guilty, because why am i texting someone when i can just keep everything to myself? what's the point of me saying anything at all if i'm still a failure with no job and no aspirations? everyone else is doing better, i should just shut up and die. in reality, it's a text message and it doesn't inconvenience anyone. but i would keep wanting to say sorry, because i feel like a sad gross loser burden. slime, sludge. when someone is talking to me, why don't they see sludge?

i've been called harry du bois by my friend who recommended me the game. i still remember saying, "i'm harry du bois?". i hadn't played the game beyond the first hour, but i saw the protagonist as such a loser that it made me sad. playing even more of the game has made me feel a sense of comfort, because he hates himself in such a genuine way. self loathing is gross and makes you feel dirty, but you can still be a better person. the first thing and the hardest thing is not hating yourself. otherwise, it'll be very hard to do anything. you can prolong your suffering forever, if you wanted to.

that friend one of the few people that i keep telling over and over that i'm worthless and stupid. i don't text him very often because he's busy. i feel embarrassed that he's used to me saying that i think i'm a bad person, but at the same time, i do still want him to think i'm a bad person. sometimes i think that if i say it another time he'll finally believe me and say "yes!! you're actually really annoying and stupid! this was all a joke because i thought you were dumb enough to believe someone could care about you!!!!". and then kill me, probably.

it never works when i tell people to hate me. the other day, i wrote something about wanting to be in an abusive relationship because i want to be around someone and i don't want to be loved. i deleted it, so no one ever saw it. i think that me anticipating rejection from people makes me want to be in a situation where i always receive rejection and i don't have to hope for things to change. i don't have any reason to think everyone secretly thinks i'm a failure and is waiting for me to screw things up again so they can laugh at me, but i always feel like that's exactly what's going on. i'm always the worst apple of the bunch in every situation, because that's who i believe i am.

 

[Mooncry]

After reading that whole entire thing, I don't even know what to say. It seriously could've been me who wrote it, down to the letter. I want to say it makes me feel better in a fucked up way because it's like I'm not suffering alone and there's at least one other person who's exactly like me out there, but also I'd never, ever want someone to feel the way I do every day. I hate this for us, I really, truly do… Thank you for putting it into words way better than I ever could.