Venting Being transgender makes me want to die

[Michael_the_ratman]

I know HRT (hormone replacement therapy) can help me but I have a very good physique for a girl. If I take HRT no one will want me anymore because I won't fully be a girl anymore and I will never be 100% a real guy. Most gay men won't date a trans guy, like only 11,55%. Yeah, I can get a fake D but like... I want a real one not one that doesn't even work well. I don't want scars on my chest. I don't want wide hips. I don't wanna be short.

There's also the social aspects, people hate you for it. They think being trans is a choice, that you're sick in the head, that you'll go to hell... Some will want to kill you for it, infact I feel so unsafe. Transphobia is on the rise and I'm scared that someone will hurt me. In my college, people see me as the weird kid, I struggle to make friends. I can't be friends with most people because I'm scared that they will be transphobe or I know they are. I have lots of religious friends and they treat me so baddly because of it. I feel like no one can ever understand me, I always feel like an outcast...

I wish people tried to understand. I just want to be a cis man, to have a normal life, not any of this. At this point I don't care anymore, I would be happy to wake up one day and realise I'm happy living my life as a wowan. I feel like CTB is my only escape from all this. I just hope that I'll wake up as a cis man in my next life.

 

[Neowise]

I used to think the same, "I wished I was born male". Until one day I realized that if I was male I would still be the same talenless idiot. The same coward nobody likes. I would still fuck up everything I touched. Since then I don't care about my sex / gender, I hate existence in any form.

 

[AppleTreeDog]

I know absolutely exactly how you feel. This is my life too. Except I've been on T for over a year now. I'll never have the right body no matter how much surgery or hrt I do.

 

[ToastInTheShell]

Yeah I feel you. Often transitioning feels like a choice between staying unhappy and subjecting myself to more cruelty. I personally don't think I'll bother transitioning before I CTB. Like you, I don't think I have the build for it, and I'd never fit in as a woman if I tried to transition. No matter what hormones I take, no matter what exercises I do, I'll always have a man's body and bone structure. My jaw, hips, shoulders, waist, chest, etc are just way too masc. Not to mention the health complications for both ffs and bottom surgery are just kinda scary.

If it's any consolation I think that there are many trans positive people out there. If your friends treat you badly for being trans, it might be worth talking to them about how that affects you, and putting your foot down when things go too far. You don't deserve to be treated like shit just because your trans, especially by people you consider friends.

I hope your situation improves :)

 

[Michael_the_ratman]

Yeah I feel you. Often transitioning feels like a choice between staying unhappy and subjecting myself to more cruelty. I personally don't think I'll bother transitioning before I CTB. Like you, I don't think I have the build for it, and I'd never fit in as a woman if I tried to transition. No matter what hormones I take, no matter what exercises I do, I'll always have a man's body and bone structure. My jaw, hips, shoulders, waist, chest, etc are just way too masc. Not to mention the health complications for both ffs and bottom surgery are just kinda scary.

If it's any consolation I think that there are many trans positive people out there. If your friends treat you badly for being trans, it might be worth talking to them about how that affects you, and putting your foot down when things go too far. You don't deserve to be treated like shit just because your trans, especially by people you consider friends.

I hope your situation improves :)

I wanna thank you for reading my post and paying attention (it meant a lot to me). Also, thank you so much for your kind words^^ it's nice to see I'm not alone in this.

I hope you will find happiness, and I hope you'll be able to live as a woman some days (:

 

[anxiousguineapig]

fwiw, I'm trans, and for a long time it really fucked me up, when I was a teenager it was pretty much the reason I was suicidal. What really changed things was making a bunch of trans friends - in my case I found them through an organization I started volunteering at. I know a lot of people on here feel really socially awkward and hopeless, but there really are a lot of accommodating and forgiving people out there, many of whom have struggled with anxiety and/or other mental health issues before, who can see past things like that. Having trans friends in particular is really one of the most gender- and life-affirming things I've experienced, and I would really advise you to engage in trans spaces, either online or in person. You mentioned being in college; there are probably queer or trans student groups on your campus that would give you the opportunity to connect with other queer/trans students.

I get how much it all sucks, and if you ever want to talk my DMs are open :) I do a lot of work with trans organizing, specifically patient advocacy, and if you ever want any advice for navigating healthcare or bureaucratic stuff I might be able to help. or just to talk, I've been through a lot of this myself and at least sometimes, it really does get easier.

 

[dolemitedrums]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but things seem to be the best they've ever been for the trans community and on the road to further improvement going forward.

 

[sorararara]

trans guy here, i'm dealing with the same thoughts. i'm sure i've ranted about this exact thing before, and i planned on ranting about it again. it's a big reason why i want to ctb. there's just no winning when you're trans.
i hate knowing that i'll probably never be who i need to be, i hate that i'll always be looked down upon if i transition, i hate that everything is 10x harder if you're trans, i hate that no matter what, i'll never have the "right" body.
but let's be real, i would still probably hate everything about myself if i were born a man. i would still be looked down upon for a billion different reasons (maybe not to the same degree, but still). every other reason why i want to ctb would still remain. yeah, a LOT of things would be easier, but i'd probably still be suicidal, and that fact brings me comfort (don't know if that's fucked up or not, but it helps me )

i wish i had some solid advice for you, but like i said, i'm still struggling with the same thing :,)
one thing that has helped has been surrounding myself with other trans people. allies are also good company of course, but it's good to befriend people who fully understand what you're dealing with.

i hope things get better for you soon. if you need to vent about anything, or if you just need someone to relate to, i'm here for you! ^^

 

[yellowjester]

Aren't there any LGBT-fiendly college groups you could join? If you have a space where you can express yourself freely and be accepted for who you are, you can ignore what the rest of the world thinks. And yes, transphobia is at an all time high, there's more people that wanr to put a bullet in your head than ever before; but there's also a level of tolerance and open-mindendness in other millieus that would've been unthinkable 40-50 years ago.