Venting Being suicidal felt oddly comforting?

[feder]

When I was at my peak of suicidal ideation last year I thought I was at my worst and will never recover.
Right now after alot of work on myself I feel better in many ways but somehow empty at the same time.

Back then I did not care if I lived or died I did not care about my body and hygiene, nothing matterred to me except for finding a way to CTB. It was all an endless cycle of self hatred, anger an hopelessness. This is undoubtedly a horrible state to be in but at the same time it felt comforting and safe in a way because it felt I have nothing to lose anymore and nothing really matters.

Right now I just feel empty I don't want to die anymore but I don't want to live either, there is just nothing inside of me. Being suicidal felt better to be honest but I do not want to go back to that.

Sorry if this should be in the recovery section, please let me know I will move it there.

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry you are feeling this way. It's not the best place to be stuck in between those two. I think you should decide which of those two sections here you want to be active in and work towards to. Good luck to you either way. As for my case I have never felt a better peace and content once I exhausted all my possibilities and made my decision.

 

[feder]

Am sorry you are feeling this way. It's not the best place to be stuck in between those two. I think you should decide which of those two sections here you want to be active in and work towards to. Good luck to you either way. As for my case I have never felt a better peace and content once I exhausted all my possibilities and made my decision.

Thank you, I guess you are right, also I haven't excluded the possibility of ctb yet if life gets worse again might as well go with it.
I wish you the best!