Being so sure you'll ctb within a few years yet feeling like there's a road block.

[Rayzieka]

I've been thinking carefully for a while now about how I'll know when the time is right. But the more I feel like I'm closer to ending it I feel a stronger force telling me I'll only hurt more people as a result. I'm diagnosed schizophrenic and I know my illness is progressing by the month and that I'll end up a problem for everyone around me, but I wonder if leaving so suddenly in the eyes of those around me will only cause greater pain.
I've had moment after moment where I felt like something happening to me due to my illness was too much and clutched my bottle of SN close and dreamt of how easy it would be. But in the end something is stopping me. I can't tell if there's still a joy in this life I'm waiting for or if I'm scared to go through with it. Because once I'm gone I can't see the aftermath and what I've done. The fear of what people will go through because of me is strong.
What about you though? What's holding you here?

 

[puppet_nihilist]

But in the end something is stopping me.

I never underestimate the survival instinct. I am in the shittiest circumstances that I could have ever imagined for myself to be in, yet unfortunately I am still here breathing air. For me, it's purely biological.. I can't possibly attribute it to anything that's positive in my life, there's nothing positive in my life currently.. So it's just an irrational animalistic, cheap self-preservatory tactic that's keeping me from getting some peace... However, if your life isn't in absolute shambles, you're not afraid of becoming homeless or losing everything you have and such, but feel like you want to live longer then it's probably a different situation. I don't really know.

I think it's difficult to say what's holding people back. Genuine care about loved ones or genuine curiosity about the future could be real strong factors, but it gets so muddled up with the survival instinct and the general fear about and aversion from suicide that disentangling these factors becomes almost impossible. I try to not get lost in the reasons for these fears, but if I had a variety of proper ctb options and no real, well-founded fear of losing everything I have such as shelter and income, then I wouldn't be in a great hurry. I would probably do it once absolute despair sets in. I wish I could be in such a position rather than being trapped to ctb in a small amount of time lol, or otherwise be destined to face absolute hell. Depending on your situation, I hope you can find comfort and think calmly about things, and I hope you find peace wherever you think it lies.

 

[western_heart]

Right now (2021): my partner convinced me to stay and promised to support me financially/keep me comfortable. She helped me get through a lot of difficult situations and if I was alone I probably would have CTB last year (I wanted to break up in March 2020 with the plan of killing myself that summer). I'm not convinced it's worth it for me to stick around but as long as she keeps me comfortable I am trying to recover.

In the past (Summer 2016): the time was right but I didn't have a good method. If I found this site or a similar resource back then, things might have been over five years ago. It would have been inconvenient logistically for my family and a few others, but I would have avoided a lot of my own future suffering.

It's been pretty much a yearly thing - my suicide would harm my family the least in the summer. I've got a month left and I intend to survive it. Maybe summer 2022 will be my time?

Fuck, I'd rather die at 33 (current age) instead of 34 though. I don't like the number 34.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think the thing that is holding me back is that it is hard to take our own lives. Factors like the survival instinct, and the fact that methods can go wrong and require planning. I believe that it requires a certain amount of desperation going through with it. I feel like I should have left a long time ago really. The thought of death actually brings me a lot of comfort though and I know I will eventually ctb at some point.

 

[motel rooms]

Genuine care about loved ones or genuine curiosity about the future could be real strong factors, but it gets so muddled up with the survival instinct and the general fear about and aversion from suicide that disentangling these factors becomes almost impossible.

What about you though? What's holding you here?

Yeah, it's extremely hard to tell where SI ends & where other factors begin. Does it even matter? I try not to analyze anything / take anything too seriously anymore, I just play it by ear. I was able to derive a little pathetic pleasure from life today, so I'm still here

 

[Alwaysdreaming]

For years I have felt like that there has been something holding me back. The act of taking ones life can be terrifying and stressful. That's part of why I'm taking my time with my plans. I don't want fear in my final moments. I want a sense of peace in the end.

 

[CatTheBus5689]

Im just taking my sweet time planning and making absolutely sure this is what I want. If life decides to throw me a bone in that time I'm willing to change my mind, but I very much doubt it will ever happen. Not to mention it would have to be one hell of a bone to get me to budge.

I have set myself a deadline, whether I want to savor or drag through my last days they will hopefully be my last.